Tag Archives: Whitey

A Holiday Gift Extravaganza!


This week the California lottery mega millions jackpot was $116,000,000. It dawned on me that if I won, I could do some holiday shopping for my bloggy friends. So after some careful consideration I made out my ChristmasHanukkahKwanzaaWhatever list. So keep your fingers crossed that I win* and you just might find the following under your treemenorahmkekawhatever. And because there’s a slight chance I might not win, I came up with some alternative gift choices to give you.**
(Click to enlarge any of the photos)


For Tam – A luxury yacht to go island hopping and a membership to the Man of the Month club.


But if I don’t win she’ll have to settle for a toy boat and a framed photo of Polt’s ass.


For Jere – Marvel Entertainment. And I’ll throw in DC for good measure. Maybe he can do something about a Wonder Woman movie…


If I don’t win, he’ll have to stick to lawyering, so a booze hiding law book might come in handy.


For Craig – a centipede-free mansion in San Diego, so he can hang out with me (all the time)!


But the odds aren’t good, so a can of bug spray and some ear guards will have to do.


For Paul, a starring role in the upcoming Star Trek film and one of those back end movie deals where he makes mega-bucks.


But should I not win the jackpot, an Enterprise scratching post for Whitey will have to suffice.


For Ryan, I will pay off his student loans. He will also get one of these nifty cupcake cars and a lifetime supply of gas.


But if I remain a big old loser, he’s going to have to make do with this cheery little painting.


For my darling VUBOQ, a house with a pottery studio, a fully stocked walk in closet and all the gin his liver can take.


But if I don’t win, he’s getting a sparkly shoe and a jar of olives.


Lucky Mel will finally get to make lopapeysu all day in his Iceland dream house.


Unless I lose. Then he gets ice cubes and a ball of yarn.


Heather and TwoPi both like math, which is completely crazy. So I’m going to set them up with lifetime psychiatric therapy.


But if I don’t win, they will receive Godzilla pajamas, slippers and a toy city they can take turns destroying.


Adam will also get a house in San Diego and will finally find a Lexus with a big red bow in his driveway.


If I don’t have the winning numbers, though, he’ll receive a boob mug and a copy of The Vagina Monologues.


Mikey gets a wine shop. And a cheese shop.


Unless I lose. Then he gets a box of wine and a 99 cent bag of Cheetos.


For Polt, a purple palace filled with Asians with hairthings.


If I don’t win, our favorite stalker gets a fake nose and glasses and a pair of binoculars instead.


For my favorite duo, Joshrico, I’d  buy penthouses and limos. Fame, fortune and the paparazzi are sure to follow.


But if I’m not the next lottery winner, I might be able to pay this guy to follow them around for an hour with his camera.


There’s always that one person on your list you have no idea what to get. For me, it’s M. Nico.
He’ll just have to settle for a gift card from Amazon.


Unless I don’t win. Then he gets fruitcake.


Mush gets a mansion, her own record label (I quite like the name “Mushtones”) and a kick ass tour bus so she can tour the country (and visit me, of course).


But if megamillions are not in my stars, she’ll be unwrapping Mr. Microphone.


Fdot watches a lot of movies, so he’ll need a mansion with a state of the art, luxury home theater.


If I lose, he’ll receive Jiffy pop and a DVD of the “best worst movie ever made” Troll 2. Featuring such classic scenes as the following:


Chris D. is excited by space, so I’ll send him there in his very own rocket.


If someone else wins my money he can pretend to be in orbit with these stick on ceiling stars.


David P. will get the VIP treatment with front row seats to any play/musical in the world. Free meals at any restaurant included.


Life does not always (or ever!) go my way though, so David can put on his own shows with these nifty finger puppets and afterward have dinner at McDonald’s.


Justin loves maple. So he will get one of those fancy million dollar log cabins in the middle of a maple tree forest.


Unless my numbers are off. Then he gets a bottle of imitation maple syrup.


I would pay all of john’s bills and buy him a house and an art gallery so he could quit his stupid job and concentrate on his art.


If I don’t win, a big bag of rabbit chow is just the ticket.


I would buy the Kid the Pittsburgh Penguins.


Or a Sidney Crosby bobblehead (if I’m doomed to a life as a non millionaire).


David G. is getting a first class ticket to Hollywood and his own studio. Those zombie screenplays of his will finally be up on the silver screen for me to enjoy.

But should I lose, here’s a t-shirt.


Nathan will get a private jet to fly him around the world.


Or this book of paper airplanes. Not winning the lottery sucks.


Ty will get that $250,000 Jeopardy money he should have gotten in the tournament of Champions.


But if I don’t win, a ceramic Dalmatian from the Old School Wheel of Fortune is just as good.


Mr. Sombrero already has Adam, so obviously he doesn’t need anything else.


I do have a lot of peanut butter left over from the taste test, though…

If I forgot anyone, let me know in the comments, and I’ll find a regift in the garage for you.

So, hopefully, I will be the next megamillionaire, but know that if I’m not I’ll be wishing you all health, love and happiness in the New Year and always.

*It might help if I bought a lottery ticket.
**Just kidding, I’m not getting you anything at all.

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C&R Fight Club: TORNADO vs. PAUL!


Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club!  The rules to the game are simple.  Each week we’ll introduce our fighters.  We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses.  Then we’ll put the results to vote.  You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…


TORNADO

Also known as: Twister, Cyclone, Landspout, Waterspout, Dust Devil
Time of Birth:
Anytime, but most often between 3pm and 9pm
Residence:
3 out of every 4 tornadoes occur in the United States
Relationship Status:
usually single
Occupation:
destruction
Height:
8-16 miles
Wind Speed:
Average of 110mph; Maximum of 300+mph
Favorite Animal:
Cow
Favorite Movie:
Twister, The Wizard of Oz
Typical Duration:
8 minutes
Hobbies:
moving house, killing witches
Favorite Curse Word:
motherfucker

Tornadoes are violent, dangerous, rotating columns of air that are in contact with both the surface of the Earth and a cloud.  They come in many shapes and sizes, but are typically in the form of a visible funnel, whose narrow end is often encircled by a cloud of debris and dust.  Most tornadoes have an average speed of 110mph, are approximately 250 feet across, and travel a few miles before dissipating.  The most extreme can attain wind speeds of more than 300mph, stretch more than 2 miles across, and stay on the ground for dozens of miles.  Their secret weapons include transporting opponents from Kansas to Oz, hurling cows at storm chasers, dropping houses on witches and flinging forks from decimated house into trees.


PAUL WYCKOFF

Also known as: P.J.

Date of Birth:
June 8, 19something, something
Residence:Long Guyland”
Relationship Status:
“Single, currently accepting applications to change that, must have acceptable tattoo to tooth ratio”
Occupation:
Controller, that’s right, I AM IN CONTROL!”
Height & Weight:
“I wish I was little bit taller, I wish I was a baller.”
Average Speed:
Recently clocked at 100 MPH.
Favorite Animal:
Whitey
Favorite Movie:
Female Trouble
Typical Duration:
Given the right circumstances, hours.
Hobbies:
Commenting on blogs while ignoring his own.
Favorite curse word:
Cunt

Paul Wyckoff is a violent, dangerous man that lives in “Long Guyland”, New York with his hench-cat, Whitey.  When he’s not busy being the controller of a black and white company, he spends his time surfing YouTube, commenting on blogs, watching South Park and Family Guy, fastidiously decorating and cleaning his condo, and grooming to his glorious swirl.  The swirl itself has been known to kill without remorse, and is considered one of the most dangerous weapons on Earth.  Paul’s secret weapons include an army of drag queens, the ability to use YouTube videos to convey ideas that only he thinks are funny, and the power to turn the sky purple and fill with lightning.  Viva la swirl!


Who will win in the battle of Swirl vs. Swirl?  Will a tornado fling Paul to Oz before he even has a chance to fight?  Or will Paul strike fast and quick with an amusing and relevant YouTube video?  We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.

Check back on Sunday for the results!

Thanks to Paul & Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!


This post was conceived and written before this week’s terrible tragedies in Missouri and Oklahoma. Our hearts go out to those effected. Please consider donating to the American Red Cross’s relief efforts.

Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2

It’s been four months since our last Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser contest drew to a close.  Since then, some of our contestants have let their weight slip in the wrong direction.  That’s why we’re back with Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2.  This time we’re upping the ante and the competition will be more fierce, more exciting, and more … populated!  We’re starting this week with 18 players divided into 9 teams.  Most of our players from the first BC&RL contest have returned, along with a bunch of new faces.  Starting next week, you’ll be voting to eliminate players each week until our finale in about three months.  After our winner is crowned, we’ll catch up with all of our eliminated players and award the biggest behind-the-scenes loser with a special prize.  Are you excited?  So are we!  Let’s meet the players…

TYLER-EXIA & BULI-MIKEY Mikey & Ty
Mikey: Mikey is the name; weight loss is my mission.  After losing our last competition by gaining weight instead of losing it, I am determined to kick some butt and take names.  My basic approach to this will be avoiding all the foods I find to be tasty and fulfilling, so basically I’m going to eat like Adam.  I would call it the Ginger diet, but people might think I’m only going to eat ginger root or actual gingers, which would be really gross.  I also intend to do something I haven’t done in a very long time: work out.  I’m usually morally opposed to this kind of thing as it causes me to sweat, which is not very nice.  If I slip on the sweat, I’m going to sue.
Ty: My Goal: Duh, to lose weight. That goal does not include coming to terms with my deeper issues towards food (I like it) and exercise (I hate it). My Plan: To throttle anyone who tells me how he often gets so busy he forgets to eat, or what a high she gets from exercising for five hours every day. I’m not sure yet how that will help me lose weight, but it will definitely make me feel better.

GINGY & THE HAT Adam & Mr. Sombrero
Adam: I’ve grown rather plump in the last few months.  Let’s face it: eating is fun.  Food is delicious.  I like things that are fun and delicious.  It’s really the perfect combination.  And as my weight began to grow and grow, I knew in the back of my mind that I would be able to lose it all when I was ready.  So now it’s time to do that … and it’s kind of awesome that I can drag you all along with me.  Make no mistake:  I’m going to win BC&RL this time.  I’m going to lose a lot of weight in the next three months.  And I’m going to destroy you all.  It’s just that simple!  HAHAHAHA!!! <– evil laughter
Mister Sombrero: Hi, my name is Mr. Sombrero and I’m an alcoholic Adam’s boyfriend.  I have a biiiiiiiig sombrero, un mustacho and un grande belly, because I love tacos, burritos, and I can’t say no to an empanada.  My weight-loss regiment will include watching Jane Fonda Exercise Videos and the Anything-Cheese Diet®. I would like to point out that I’m a lousy teammate and I have scored in the 100th percentile on the ‘Have You Ever Annoyed Adam’ quiz I can’t wait to win this!  Ay-ay-ay!!!!

THE JAILHOUSE LAWYERS Polt & Jere
Polt: Hello all, this is Polt. Along with the baldy beautiful Jere, we make up The Jailhouse Lawyers! I have several plans for the contest. Plan 1: Will the weight to fall off. If that doesn’t work, Plan 2: Have enormous amounts of sex to increase my caloric usage, and work the weight off. If that doesn’t work, Plan 3: Die. Lots of weight falls of when you’re dead. And after all the fast food, Mama Polt’s lard cooked food, and candy I’ve consumed over the past week, I got lotsa weight to lose! I got this thing in the bag!
Jere: Hi, I’m Jere. As a law student, stress eating and lack of time for exercise is just a way of life. But I’m hoping to change that in 2011. I’d love to shed the pounds I put on last semester. I would claim I’m doing this to be healthy and blah blah blah, but I really just want to get laid and New York homos can be very shallow.

TEAM OINK Harry & Michelle M.
Harry:
I am Harry McFatty. I need to lose a few pounds because I’ve been drinking too much beer.
Michelle M.: Hi! I’m Michelle M. My goal is to be as slender as Joshrico. But I’ll settle for dropping the 10 pounds I’ve been carrying around for the past 10 years or so.

DOCTOR AND THE BUNNYMAN Mel & John
Mel: After a holiday season of chocolate binging, I’ve packed back on a few of the 40 pounds I lost last year. I’m still around 30 pounds lighter than I was at my heaviest, but Good Dog am I feeling bloated lately. And strangely, people keep telling me I have this glow about me. Fuckers.
John: (Written By Mel) John is a mysterious man-rabbit who allegedly looks something like the one to the right. Craig & Tam may or may not know otherwise, but they’re not talking. Perhaps out of sheer terror.

TEAM MUSHY CUPCAKE Mush & Ryan
Mush:
I wasn’t a fat kid; I’ve been slowly and steadily gaining weight my entire life. This morning, I weighed more than I’ve ever weighed. (These last few weeks of total indulgence have certainly taken their toll!) I don’t mind being pudgy, but the land of pudgy borders on the land of fat, as we all know, and THAT JUST AIN’T COOL. I intend to use an online calorie and fitness tracker called Sparkpeople. I’ll also be using bento boxes (to make portion control more fun, because in reality it totally sucks). I’ll also be making a real effort to increase my walking, bike riding, number of yoga classes, and I might even do the Two Hundred Situps program again.
Ryan:
I’ve discovered that sitting at a desk all day and having french fries at the cafeteria every day is not conducive to keeping one’s pants size. Somehow, I managed to survive the holidays without doing to much damage. Hopefully, this contest will give me the motivation to move around and make my own healthy food.

TEAM COLON BLOW Paul & FDot
Paul: Hey guys, since I am a type 2 diabetic and have not taken care of it for 2 years this is not simply a weight loss contest for me but a need to change my life.  I will be seeing the doctor next week and I’m sure he will get me back on my meds, insist on reasonable diet, and regular exercise.  My mantra for the year is “lose 50 to get to 50” so watch out!  Here comes a future skinny bitch!  For now, I need Whitey to help me read the scale.
FDot: I am FDot. I also have an Indian name, but it has a large number of consonants and I forget their order. For recreation, I like to look outside windows. I have already started my plan for this competition by ordering all the weight loss medications I see advertised on TV. In addition to losing weight, I will also suffer liver failure, heart attacks, kidney implosions, an addiction to gambling and uncontrollable sobbing.

CANADIAN BACON Tam & Nathan
Tam: Because I feel like a giant lump of lard that is getting nothing but bigger and bigger, I have chosen to publicly humiliate myself by joining this challenge. My goal is to not get eliminated in the first round due to my weakness for all foods containing calories and have my partner hate me for life thus traumatizing him the first week of the competition. Hopefully I’ll be a slightly smaller lump of lard by the end of this process and that we can kick everyone’s ass, without ending up out of breath and in need of oxygen.
Nathan: Due to the rapid expansion of my waistline, I’ve decided to endure this competition. Regardless of how far I make it in this competition, I’ve made a new year’s resolution not to eat out ever (beer exempted) for three months. My main goal in this competition is not to be eliminated first. I have confidence in Tam and I’s capabilities, and we are going to bring it for this competition!

ENCRAIGO Enrico & Craig
Enrico: Hey y’all. I’m Enrico and I won the first round of BC&RL. After adding on the pounds last time, I’m ready to lose them so I can win again. And let’s be honest, if I lose even 10 pounds, my percentage of body weight lost will probably be greater than the 1 or 2 pounds that everyone else will lose. Adam, get ready to send me a prize… again!
Craig: Hello there! I’m Craig from Puntabulous and even though my Mom says she doesn’t want me to lose a pound, I’d love nothing more than to get rid of my muffin top! Seriously, if you flick my muffin top, my boobs jiggle. No joke! So my goal is to create some healthy habits and eliminate jigglage!

Now that you’ve met all of our contestants, who do you think will win?  Place your bets in the comments!  And check back next Thursday for the results of our first weigh-in!