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Biggest C&R Loser 2013

Biggest_CR_Loser_2013

Welcome to the 9th week of Biggest C&R Loser 2013! This year we’ll be keeping all of the results and placings secret until the end of the contest. We’ll also be pooling our cash to award the 2013 winner the largest prize we’ve ever awarded … a whopping $40!  This week’s theme is “THE LITTLE THINGS YOU HATE” – Everyone is annoyed by something. What’s one of the ‘little things’ that bother our contestants? Maybe it’s the blobby fat hanging over their waist bands or the way that diet food always tastes awful. Let’s find out what bothers them!


Tam

Fruit_Plate

The little things. Little tiny portions. Seriously, look on the package of some of your fave snack foods. 120 calories… for 8 chips. WTF? No one in their right mind eats 8 chips or 1 cookie. Get a grip manufacturers.


TwoPi

twopi-feb28-big

Annoyances? I’m annoyed that my weight seems stuck, just fluctuating between two numbers for week after week. And I’m annoyed that I keep forgetting that there’s a blurb due on Wednesdays, so I’m always dealing with these at the 11th hour.


Adam

url

Ya know what bugs me? The fact that junk food is delicious and yet it makes me feel bad about myself! I need liposuction and/or Lap-Band surgery. Too bad I spent my last $5 on this stupid contest.


Michelle M.

bcrlh

I hate that I have to wear jeans and long sleeved shirts when it’s 90 degrees because I can’t fit into my shorts and tshirts. So maybe I better get going on this weight loss thing. Summer is just around the corner (especially in San Diego).


Mikey

little things

Little things that drive me crazy??? Numbers! All I do now for my diet is think about numbers: calories, grams, and amount of time moving. The only numbers that are not small that are driving me crazy are my weight and my pant size. THE HUNGER IS TO BIG TO BE A LITTLE ANNOYING THING.


Mr. Sombrero

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I hate my job! Was that the question? I’m sick of people and I don’t even have time to diet these days. Somebody pay me to nap and be happy!!


Nathan

aviarios-del-caribe-sloth-sanctuary.10968.large_slideshow

The little thing I hate the most is my own laziness! There is so much that I could accomplish if I were less lazy (the least of which is getting more done for this competition).


Polt

guilt

This week it’s the little things we hate about the contest. Hmm, I don’t think any of them are little. I HATE being fat in the first place. I hate having to diet. I hate having to exercise when I feel like blobbing on the couch. I hate that the food I’m suppose to eat, I don’t like, and the food I LOVE is bad for me. I hate not looking like a male fashion model. I hate Congressional Republicans and their policies. Wait….I digress….

What I hate most, I think, is the guilt. When I go to bed at night and I realize I haven’t walked, even though I had the time. Or when I order a regular Pepsi at a restaurant instead of just water. Or when I eat a whole freaking (small-sized) pizza instead of a salad. I hate the guilt the comes with it. But I’m used to guilt…I kill it by eating a Cadbury caramel egg!


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What Were They Thinking?!

Last Saturday I had the honor of attending Mikey’s birthday karaoke party!  Despite the fact that private room was as hot as balls, everyone had a fantastic time.  I only managed to snap a few photos before the party became a giant, sweaty wet t-shirt tragedy.  And I’m sorry … but there is no video evidence.  Some voices are just too good to share with the rest of the world!  And now, without further ado … What Were They Thinking?!

What were Mikey and Ty thinking?!
Leave your thoughts in the comments!

Submit your potential What Were They Thinking?! photos to:
cockyandrudedotcom@gmail.com

Bloggy Gift Exchange 2011!

This year’s Bloggy Gift Exchange featured 25 bloggy friends, 24 awesome gifts, 2 countries, lots of smiles, lots of sugar, a few tears, a pack of Magnum condoms, and tons and tons more. Thanks to everyone for making this year’s gift exchange a huge success! We’re truly a classy bunch, and here’s the proof:


To: Mush
From: Nathan

…here’s my awesome nerdy gifts from bassoonist Nathan! Yay! It’s a virulent rabies plush and a sciency Doctor Who disappearing TARDIS mug! This photo image came out just the way I wanted it. YES THAT’S RABIES ON MY HEAD AND I AM GLAD TO SEE YOU. COFFEE? SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM? RAAAAAAAAAAAABIEEEEEES!


To: Polt
From: Tam

Tam had my name and she sent me a book about the quirks and histories of comic books and also a Dallas Cowboys garden gnome. Only thing that coulda made the gift better was to have it delivered by a Speedo-clad Asian Twinkie with a hairthing. This is the photo of me enjoying them both. HUGS…


To: Adam
From: Polt

Santa Polt (and his award-winning ass) sent me a box full of the world’s two best things: plaid and purple. Thanks to Polt, I can be cozy and formal with this super-warm hat and fantastic tie. I plan to wear them both as I spend many hours each night drawing pictures of Craig getting peed on or amassing enormous lists of blog post tags. Maybe this tie will help me land a great new high-paying job in the new year? I’m totally going to wear them both on my lumberjack interview next week! Fingers crossed that it pays well!


To: Mikey
From: FDot

FDot sent me this amazing life size TARDIS. Along with my dancing monkey fez, I think I make a very convincing Doctor. I also think I should use my TARDIS to go back in time and prevent myself from eating whatever it is that made me look so fat in this photo. I honestly do not care if doing so destroys the fabric of time.


To: Ty
From: VUBOQ

VUBOQ made me a beautiful mug and bowl. He also got me TWO varieties of Reese’s. I could only assume he wanted me to use it all to make a nutritious holiday breakfast.


To: Craig
From: Ty


My gift from Ty was titled Craig’s Sex-Mas Adventure! It was a three step process. First I was told that the clothes make the man, so he gave me this shirt and told me to put it on, then peel it off sexily. then he told me to spritz myself with cologne and dream of Cumming (Alan, that is), and finally I was taught that chocolate is a well known aphrodisiac and to sample these delicious chocolates to get in the mood. Once I finished the chocolates I was met with a horrific sight too reprehensible for words and I lost my hard-on immediately. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get it up again. Merry Christmas to me, I guess.


To: Mel
From: Ryan


I got a phenomenally well-packed box from Ryan consisting of two types of cookies and a Christmas mix CD. The cookies were all painstakingly wrapped to arrive intact. I was singularly impressed, even though I’d have happily eaten crumbs.


To: Tam
From: Mr. Sombrero


My bloggy gift came from the wonderful Mr. Sombrero in “Jersey”. It was full of all kind of delightful things to eat from many different places. There was cherry jam from Croatia (which I ate on my bagel Christmas morning and it was delish), French cookies, British tea, chocolate from lots of place including some kind of potato chocolate thing from Idaho. 0_0 Chocolate poker chips and chocolate from Dylans, a gingerbread cookie that looks like a NYC cab, and a lolly with my initial on it. Now that I’ve taken the picture I’m looking forward to trying them all. Thanks so much for the fun foods, none of which I’ve tried before.


To: Kristen “The Kid”
From: Talita


So Talita was my secret Santa which was wonderful because everything she gave me was perfect! Included in my “care package” was two perfectly scented candles (cranberry pear Bellini and candied sugar plum), some nail polish, peppermint foot cream from Lush, spider man head phones (which I squealed over they were wonderful), some hot chocolate, tea, soap, some lip products and a cookie! It was wonderful, I love everything so much 😀


To: Jere
From: David P.


Here are photos of my gifts from David P. I would post pictures of myself enjoying the gifts like the booze and condoms (and I did enjoy them – I’ve been a naughty boy this holiday), but I’m afraid that you would use it as often as you use that picture of Polt’s ass. Sorry. The comic book magnet has a wonder woman costume malfunction joke that’s lost on me, but the chocolate covered stuff was yummy.

Note: the post-its in the photo are – alcohol: “because you like BOOZE”; chocolate: “because you like things covered in CHOCOLATE”; magnet – “because you are a comic book GEEK”; condoms – “because you have big FEET”


To: Michelle M.
From: Mikey


My gift came from Mikey. He sent two BIG bags of cookies, and a whole bunch of Hershey’s kisses. They were delicious and didn’t last long. And I should get major points for sharing with Harry. I also received these amazing Wonder Woman socks (complete with capes), perfect for fighting crime, reading in bed, attending a live action Wonder Woman movie, etc. I love(d) all my gifts – Thank you Mikey!!


To: John
From: Craig

I received my gifts from none other than Mr. Puntabulous himself: Craig! Here you can see the Christmas bunnies looking at the gifts Craig sent (and eyeing the Alfa-carrots). Craig sent me a card of bunnies avoiding the ark; which is part of a series on bunny deaths; it totally made me laugh! He sent me a cd of new Craig Christmas music. And piece de résistance: a dancing monkey t-shirt and pants.

I believe that this is Craig’s way of marking me as king of the dancing monkeys. Do not fear, I will be a benevolent ruler…All shall love me and DISPAIR!!!

Thanks Craig! I love my gifts! The carrots were tasty, the music fun and the pjs comfortable.


To: Ryan
From: Mush

I got this awesome package from Mush. It included two CDs (buddha-bar VIII by Sam Popat and Live in Las Vegas by Santa Fe and The Fat City Horns), Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood, and the Animatrix DVD. I haven’t had much of a chance to listen to the CDs because I’ve been inundated with new music and been busy with non-music listening activities, but what I’ve heard so far has me excited. It’s outside my usual genres, which is the hardest to find good new music. I’m also looking forward to reading the book. I really enjoyed Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale and was intending to explore her other work. I’m also looking forward to watching the collection of shorts exploring the time before the Matrix movies.


To: TwoPi
From: Jere

My Bloggy Gift giver was Jere. He gave me an Elvis beanie baby (from the Elvis Museum in Las Vegas!), and set me up with the ultimate in New Year’s Eve eye-wear for Times Square, or the local equivalent, a gathering of friends assessing Dick Clark’s ability to count backwards. Cajun chefs have their holy trinity of bell peppers, onions, and celery — for TwoPi, the holy trinity is Elvis, Vegas, and Purple — and no day can match their over-the-top glories better than New Year’s Eve! Fantastic!


To: Heather (Xi)
From: Justin

I got the most fabulous present from Justin: a replica of one of the original Education Monkey multiplication tools, invented in 1916 and named after Consul the performing monkey. You move the feet so that they point to two numbers at the bottom, and then the hands [yes, hands — stop giggling] point to the product. I’ve never heard of this before, or seen anything like it, which makes it especially exciting. Thank you thank you thank you!


To: Chris D.
From: Michelle M.


Michelle M. gave me an amazing assortment of gifts! She gave me a candy cane, Charlie Brown Christmas CD, Peppermint Bark, a vintage Christmas postcard (from 1911, it is like a perfect little time capsule from a bygone era!), a Marcel the Shell with Shoes on book (I LOVE IT!), AND…… a Marcel the Shell with Shoes on figure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This made me smile a whole lot! Michelle M. is an amazing gift giver! 🙂


To: Nathan
From: Chris D.

For my present I received, not one, but two beginner Japanese books! This was an amazing present for me because I’m hoping to actually go to Japan next year. Thanks so much to Chris for my fantastic gift. He even made me a little homemade ornament for the Christmas tree at home! An excellent gift.


To: Mr. Sombrero
From: Kristen “The Kid”

My gift from Santa “The Kid” Kristen was amaaaahzing and layered to satisfy all the senses!  Not only did it include the best thing the Western civilization came up with – a box of Holiday edition Smarties (the Canadian ones, not the US kind; think M&M’s in a harder shell) – but also, and this is the even more awesome, a donation of a mango tree for school kids in Rwanda. Now that’s a global gift that keeps on giving. And to signify the donation, my gift also included a box of dried mangoes, yummmmmm… So Kristen, all I gotta say is… Urakooooze (that’s thank you in Rwandan.

Tam and Kristen also included a tin of delicious homemade vegan gingerbread cookies for me to share with Adam!  Here are a few of our favorites:


To: VUBOQ
From: Adam


Photo One. This is me enjoying one of my many gifts from Adam – a book! Hot Guys and Baby Animals. Hot! Cute! Fun!

Photo Two. This is me …um… enjoying another gift from Adam – vegan beef jerky (tequila lime flavor). Delicious! (OK. Not really delicious. In fact, it was kind of gross).

Unfortunately, I don’t have a photo of me getting the taste of tequila lime vegan beef jerky out of my mouth with some truly yummerz dark chocolate! MMmmmm. Chocolate. I also don’t have photos of me taking a fun Unicorn Lavender Lotus Bubble Bath. Nor gleefully stamping “Who Cares” on all the crap my co-workers produce at work. But, those were other gifts from Adam that I totes *heart*.


To: David P.
From: Miley Cyrus & Enrico

I was the lucky recipient of a package hand-delivered by the amazingly talented Miley Cyrus, although what she was doing in Crown Heights is anyone’s guess. Oddly enough, inside the package were an assortment of gifts by the equally, if not more, amazing and talented but non-poll-dancing Enrico! As you can see, I was provided with two boxes of high-end macaroni and cheese mixes that I will be getting fat from shortly. Also among the loot were three Pulitzer prize-winning books (I’ve read one of them, but giving me something I can re-gift is a gift in and of itself) and I will definitely enjoy reading the other two over the next few months. And lastly, the pièce de résistance is the pack of nude male playing cards that will add a certain something special to my future games of solitaire. If you zoom into the photo, you can also make out the clever notes that were included with each present. Thank you so much, Miley! Oh, and you too, Enrico!


To: Enrico
From: John

My secret Santa got me two amazing presents! Knowing I’m a huge Miyazaki lover, he got me this Totoro thingy that I’m hanging on my wall as soon as I get a hammer. I’ve been meaning to read John Updike’s Rabbit, Run for years now, and now I can, since he also got me the novel and its first sequel, Rabbit Redux. I LOVE BOOKS AND TOTORO. Thanks John! After Michelle, you’re the best!!


To: Talita
From: Mel

I received amazing blueberry Jam, that was so delicious. A soy pine candle that smelled so good, I love soy candles they burn longer then regular candles. This candle added just the right amount of holidays to my house without being over whelming. My gift came packaged in awesome Christmas Tin!! Thanks for the great gifts Mel!!


To: FDot
From: Heather

I arrived home from my trip to Colorado to find a whole package of goodies awaiting me from Heather. Herein pictured are the goodies. 1 Post Office Priority Mail Box, no doubt chosen to hold everything else. 1 piece of Milk Chocolate, already eaten. 1 book of “Where Are They Buried?”, already perused and used to capture pictures for the next round of ‘Guess that Grave!”. 1 Electronic Rubik’s Cube Puzzle, opened and attempted. 1 packet of Punch Balloons, of which one has been inflated and punched repeatedly to relieve frustration from failing at the Rubik’s Cube puzzle. An extremely successful box of Christmas gifts, covering all I hoped for and making me very happy, as evidenced by the large smile I have on my face.


To: Justin
From: M Nico

If I’m looking a bit pouty it’s because Bloggy Santa left me empty handed this year. Don’t worry unduly I’m in intensive therapy for the *sniff* trauma *sob* No really I’ll be *chokes up* fine 😦


To: M Nico
From:TwoPi

M Nico has refused all attempts at communication and presumably did not send a gift to Justin.  Many thanks to TwoPi for generously sending a gift to M Nico!! M Nico, we hope that you’re okay!!!



Once again, thanks to everyone for your participation in the 2011 Bloggy Gift Exchange!


Can’t get enough of our gift exchanging? Jump over to Josh Is Trashy to see our exchanges from 2010 and 2009.

A Holiday Gift Extravaganza!


This week the California lottery mega millions jackpot was $116,000,000. It dawned on me that if I won, I could do some holiday shopping for my bloggy friends. So after some careful consideration I made out my ChristmasHanukkahKwanzaaWhatever list. So keep your fingers crossed that I win* and you just might find the following under your treemenorahmkekawhatever. And because there’s a slight chance I might not win, I came up with some alternative gift choices to give you.**
(Click to enlarge any of the photos)


For Tam – A luxury yacht to go island hopping and a membership to the Man of the Month club.


But if I don’t win she’ll have to settle for a toy boat and a framed photo of Polt’s ass.


For Jere – Marvel Entertainment. And I’ll throw in DC for good measure. Maybe he can do something about a Wonder Woman movie…


If I don’t win, he’ll have to stick to lawyering, so a booze hiding law book might come in handy.


For Craig – a centipede-free mansion in San Diego, so he can hang out with me (all the time)!


But the odds aren’t good, so a can of bug spray and some ear guards will have to do.


For Paul, a starring role in the upcoming Star Trek film and one of those back end movie deals where he makes mega-bucks.


But should I not win the jackpot, an Enterprise scratching post for Whitey will have to suffice.


For Ryan, I will pay off his student loans. He will also get one of these nifty cupcake cars and a lifetime supply of gas.


But if I remain a big old loser, he’s going to have to make do with this cheery little painting.


For my darling VUBOQ, a house with a pottery studio, a fully stocked walk in closet and all the gin his liver can take.


But if I don’t win, he’s getting a sparkly shoe and a jar of olives.


Lucky Mel will finally get to make lopapeysu all day in his Iceland dream house.


Unless I lose. Then he gets ice cubes and a ball of yarn.


Heather and TwoPi both like math, which is completely crazy. So I’m going to set them up with lifetime psychiatric therapy.


But if I don’t win, they will receive Godzilla pajamas, slippers and a toy city they can take turns destroying.


Adam will also get a house in San Diego and will finally find a Lexus with a big red bow in his driveway.


If I don’t have the winning numbers, though, he’ll receive a boob mug and a copy of The Vagina Monologues.


Mikey gets a wine shop. And a cheese shop.


Unless I lose. Then he gets a box of wine and a 99 cent bag of Cheetos.


For Polt, a purple palace filled with Asians with hairthings.


If I don’t win, our favorite stalker gets a fake nose and glasses and a pair of binoculars instead.


For my favorite duo, Joshrico, I’d  buy penthouses and limos. Fame, fortune and the paparazzi are sure to follow.


But if I’m not the next lottery winner, I might be able to pay this guy to follow them around for an hour with his camera.


There’s always that one person on your list you have no idea what to get. For me, it’s M. Nico.
He’ll just have to settle for a gift card from Amazon.


Unless I don’t win. Then he gets fruitcake.


Mush gets a mansion, her own record label (I quite like the name “Mushtones”) and a kick ass tour bus so she can tour the country (and visit me, of course).


But if megamillions are not in my stars, she’ll be unwrapping Mr. Microphone.


Fdot watches a lot of movies, so he’ll need a mansion with a state of the art, luxury home theater.


If I lose, he’ll receive Jiffy pop and a DVD of the “best worst movie ever made” Troll 2. Featuring such classic scenes as the following:


Chris D. is excited by space, so I’ll send him there in his very own rocket.


If someone else wins my money he can pretend to be in orbit with these stick on ceiling stars.


David P. will get the VIP treatment with front row seats to any play/musical in the world. Free meals at any restaurant included.


Life does not always (or ever!) go my way though, so David can put on his own shows with these nifty finger puppets and afterward have dinner at McDonald’s.


Justin loves maple. So he will get one of those fancy million dollar log cabins in the middle of a maple tree forest.


Unless my numbers are off. Then he gets a bottle of imitation maple syrup.


I would pay all of john’s bills and buy him a house and an art gallery so he could quit his stupid job and concentrate on his art.


If I don’t win, a big bag of rabbit chow is just the ticket.


I would buy the Kid the Pittsburgh Penguins.


Or a Sidney Crosby bobblehead (if I’m doomed to a life as a non millionaire).


David G. is getting a first class ticket to Hollywood and his own studio. Those zombie screenplays of his will finally be up on the silver screen for me to enjoy.

But should I lose, here’s a t-shirt.


Nathan will get a private jet to fly him around the world.


Or this book of paper airplanes. Not winning the lottery sucks.


Ty will get that $250,000 Jeopardy money he should have gotten in the tournament of Champions.


But if I don’t win, a ceramic Dalmatian from the Old School Wheel of Fortune is just as good.


Mr. Sombrero already has Adam, so obviously he doesn’t need anything else.


I do have a lot of peanut butter left over from the taste test, though…

If I forgot anyone, let me know in the comments, and I’ll find a regift in the garage for you.

So, hopefully, I will be the next megamillionaire, but know that if I’m not I’ll be wishing you all health, love and happiness in the New Year and always.

*It might help if I bought a lottery ticket.
**Just kidding, I’m not getting you anything at all.

Behold The Ugly! Vote Now! 100 GRAND* is at stake!

Last month I announced that one lucky C&R reader would win 100 GRAND*!  That’s right —
100 GRAND*
!  Woohoo!  To win, all you had to do was submit a photo of the
ugliest thing that you own.  Behold, the submissions (click to enlarge):

Art: A small art print that freaks the hell out of anyone that sees it as evidenced
by the continuous inquiries of “What the hell is that?”

Chair: This chair with green and gold eagles on white upholstery is
perfect example of mid ’70s interior decor!


Flower: This is a Calla lily that I bought for Thanksgiving.
Clearly you can tell that it is no longer in peak condition.

Light bulb: Neon-orange creepy-looking incandescent light bulb that screams
mid ’90s German-techno-punk-just-rolled-off-of-Bjork-music-video-set-sex-toy.

Puppy: 21″ tall ceramic white poodle with a plastic jewel encrusted collar.
It sits next to my front door, which it guards with its fluffy ferocity.

Purse: I was in the local drug store when the purse caught my eye.
I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was hideous. I had to buy it.

T-Shirt: That is a whoooole lot of ugly. Except Kari.


Now it’s up to you to decide who wins. The poll will remain open until Friday around noon. One vote per IP address. Winner will be announced Sunday, prize will be mailed within 3 months of announcement. Good luck / Thank you / Congratulations / Whatevah!

*100 Grand refers to a single, standard size 100 Grand candy bar.

It’s The Cocky & Rude Match Game! (Part 3)

[Previously on The Cocky & Rude Match Game: Part 1, Part 2]

Continue reading It’s The Cocky & Rude Match Game! (Part 3)