Tag Archives: tan

How To Get Super Ripped So Everyone Wants To Have Sex With You!

I was paging through the latest issue of Details magazine and I don’t know why, but this article caught my eye.

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It’s all about The Six Fastest Ways To Get Ripped; which are (1) pull-ups, (2) bench presses, (3) squats, (4) farmers walks*, (5) military presses* and (6) deadlifts*. BUT I DISAGREE! That list is complete bullshit.

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Here’s my list of The Fastest 6 Ways to Get Ripped:

1. Have good genes.
2. Exercise 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

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3. Take lots of steroids.
4. Never eat anything that tastes good.

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5. When the photographer comes, make sure you’re super tan, dehydrated, and covered in oil.
6. Make sure that they Photoshop the crap out of you so you look perfect!

CONGRATULATIONS! Now you are super ripped and everyone wants to have sex with you!

*You may be wondering WTF farmers walks, military presses and deadlifts are. I have no idea. If I had actually read the article, I could probably tell you.


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Where Should Nathan Go On Vacation?

Late last week, Nathan contacted me with a post idea. It seems that he has a week off in July and has no clue what to do and where to go on vacation. Here are my ten suggestions:

Stay in Canada! Canada is a beautiful wasteland of ice and snow. Who wouldn’t want to spend some free time exploring an iceberg, making snowmen, adding unnecessary u’s to words, and napping inside of an igloo! The temperature never goes above freezing in Canada!  Slap on your formal wear and have a ball!

Why not spend a week in wonderful Baghdad, Iraq! The largest city in Iraq is home to political unrest, massive troop withdrawals and startling civil rights violations. Who wouldn’t want to visit Baghdad? I hear that they have the best gay clubs in all of the Middle East!

How about a week in North Korea? Spend your time with the new supreme leader, Kim Jong-un! Try your hand at designing weapons of mass destruction, try on a huge selection of Kim Jong-il‘s high heeled shoes, and threaten to start World War III! And that’s all just in the first day!

How about a tour of Chernobyl, Ukraine? Tour the disintegrating nuclear sarcophagus, sample the local radioactive cuisine, and dance the night away with all the local mutants! You’ll leave Chernobyl with a “healthy” green glow that all your friends will be jealous of!

How about a lovely hike near Moab, Utah? While you’re there, make sure to get your arm stuck under a rock … and spend the next 127 hours practicing your survival skills!

Why not spend a week in sunny Afghanistan? Tour the expansive deserts (but watch out for IEDs!) or spend a few days hiding in a cave. For an extra few hundred bucks you can attend a actual terrorist training camp!

Spend a week exploring Antarctica! Antarctica, on average, is the coldest, driest, and windiest continent, and has the highest average elevation of all the continents. I can’t think of a better place to slap on some eyeliner and PAR-TAY!

What, you haven’t heard of Centralia, Pennsylvania? All properties in the borough were claimed under eminent domain by the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania in 1992 (and all buildings therein were condemned), and Centralia’s ZIP code was revoked by the Post Office in 2002. Why? Because the mines below the surface are expected to be on fire for the next 250 years! Get yer tan on in Centralia!

None of those vacations are ticking your fancy? Then how about fabulous Somalia? Since the outbreak of the Somali Civil War in 1991 there has been no central government control over most of the country’s territory. But that can’t stop the bustling tourism business! Spend a day working as an actual Somali slumlord or reenact scenes Black Hawk Down!

If all else fails, you can always spend a week in the pink! Fat Betty’s anus is a warm and inviting … but be warned, when it’s poo-time, you’ll feel like you’re standing in the middle of the busiest highway in North America. She eats a lot, and yes, she poops a lot.

Those are my 10 best suggestions! Do you have a favorite, or maybe you have some ideas of your own? Help Nathan in the comments!

A Ginger Secret EXPOSED!

All young gingers are given the “don’t mate with other gingers!” speech.

But ginger females,

and ginger males never listen.

They are drawn to each other.

Soon they lay together in sexual union.

And before long, the female ginger is impregnated.

From her loins will spring a Super Ginger.

The Super Ginger will grow rapidly.

The Super Ginger will mature.

But it shall never go outdoors to enjoy the sunshine.

For Super Gingers do not tan.

Super Gingers do not even experience sunburn (as non-Super Gingers are often do).

When a Super Ginger ventures into the sunlight, it will burst into flames.

And as the Super Ginger burns,

The normal children laugh,

and laugh,

and laugh.

When the flames die down, all that remains is a gingerbread cookie.

These gingerbread cookies are delicious.

And are quickly gobbled up.

Wiping from the Earth all evidence that such a foul beast had ever existed.

Summer Fun

It is full-on summer here on the East Coast. The sun is high and hot. The humidity is going through the roof. White girls are laying on pebbles that could be made into glass and baking their skin into brown crisps, only to have their epidermis turn into leather in middle age. People are also doing all sorts of other insane things.

What is it about the summer that makes people do things that might get them committed to a hospital? When the weather gets sunny, we humans start doing things like bungee jumping and surfing. Things that could easily result in our fragile necks being snapped in two parts, our vertebrae poking out of our flesh. Maybe the sun fries more than just our skin and makes our brain cells act bonkers.

Why do I seem so plagued with these questions? Because I saw this:

What stupid things have you done during the summer?  Do you have any regrets?