Tag Archives: soft

Finding The Perfect Fry

Once upon a time my favorite food was the french fry. When I was a kid, if we went to a fast food restaurant, my go-to meal would be two large fries and a chocolate shake (yikes). Back then, fries were delicious, greasy and salty. Nothing like the “healthier” fries of today (which are hard, dry and tasteless). Why they are trying to make fries “healthier” is a mystery to me. If I wanted to eat something nutritious, it wouldn’t be french fries in the first place.

After eating a few too many dud spuds, I decided to see if there were any good fries out there.
What follows is my quest for the perfect fry.

McDonald’s – Not bad. Not great. They’re best if they’re fresh from the fryer. And you have to eat them before they become cold and hard.

Jack in the Box – They taste almost exactly like McDonald’s.

Burger King – Too crisp, too dry.

Wendy’s – “Natural cut” fries. Too crispy and dry. The sea salt didn’t adhere.

Islands – They’re cut fresh daily and supposedly “cooked to perfection.”  If “perfection” means so dry the salt bounces off them, then I guess they are. I wouldn’t order them again.

T.G.I. Friday’s used to have some pretty good fries – with a yummy seasoning. But not anymore.

Chili’s – meh.

Carl’s Junior – I need some more adjectives for “dry” and “tasteless”.

Callahan’s – We usually just go here for the beer. If I have enough to drink, I usually want some french fries. Theirs are okay. But only if they’re fresh from the fryer. The cajun spice helps.

Applebee’s – Maybe the best of the bunch. Not fantastic, but not disappointing.

Arby’s – they only have the curly fries in my location (which are almost an entirely different animal, due to the seasoning), but I tried them anyway. They were greasy (which is good) but had been in the fryer a little too long (which made them too hard). I couldn’t taste the seasoning on my batch at all.

Brazen BBQ in Hillcrest – Man, were these bad. They were like the potato sticks you buy in a can from the grocery store. Sadness.

Brewski’s is a little hamburger place in my neighborhood. The burgers are good, but the fries aren’t.

Fatburger – The fat fries are pretty good. But only fresh from the fryer. You can see in the picture the shine of grease on the fry. That is always a good sign.

Five Guys – I went here with Ryan. They give you a TON of fries, which is great. And from the picture, they look nice and greasy. I was too busy yapping to remember how they tasted. I know I didn’t finish them all, but that was due to trying not too look like a pig in front of the svelte Ryan, and not because of the taste.

Red Robin – Pretty good when fresh. But not outstanding. They say the baskets of fries are “endless”, but they only put in about 5 at a time.

Sammy’s Woodfired Pizza – Dry, tasteless and disappointing. Boo.

SeaWorld – Surprisingly good. You have to eat them quickly, before the sea gulls try to swipe them.

Smashburger – These fries were horrible. So bland and dry. I didn’t even want to finish them. I threw about half of them away.

In-N-Out – Their fries are cut right in front of you, so you’d think they’d be fresh and delicious. But they’re just hard little bits of tasteless potato.

Fuddruckers fries are pretty darn good. They’re nice and soft and have a tasty seasoning on them.

Sonic – They were good. There were a few really good soggy, greasy ones in there.

As you can see, this Sonic fry passes the flaccid test.

Now that I’ve sampled so many of the fries in my area, I’ve come to the conclusion that the perfect fry no longer exists. And that french fries are no longer my favorite food. And that I need to start eating salad.

This post is dedicated to Fat Betty.


So what french fries are good in your neck of the woods? Do you think I’ll ever eat a french fry again? Did you read this whole post? It was really long. What is your favorite food? Let me know in comments!


It’s Taste Test Time!

There are certain brands that I always buy or order because I think that they are superior. But am I just being blindly loyal or do I really think they are the best? The only way to know is to compare them with their competitors in a blind taste test. So join Harry and me as we separate the best from the rest.

First up were pretzels. Which aren’t as good as chips. But they’re healthier – so there’s that, I guess.

Here is what we thought.

Michelle – Okay. Tastes like your standard pretzel.
Harry – Salty, good taste. Thin and crispy.

Glutino (gluten free. Remember when I was doing that? Yeah, that didn’t last long).
Michelle – Not bad for a fake pretzel. Will do in a pinch. Obviously Glutino.
Harry – EW! That should not be called a pretzel. Has a chlorine taste. EW!

Rold Gold
Michelle – Salty, very crunchy. Crispier and saltier than the others.
Harry – Tastes darker, more caramelized, maybe cooked longer. Okay.

Safeway Brand
Michelle – Good salt taste, good. Tastes a little burnt.
Harry – Thicker, more doughy. Like a soft pretzel. Salty.

So the winners were:

Michelle – Rold Gold

Harry – Safeway brand

And the loser was:
The little pretzel that couldn’t – Glutino.

Next up was peanut butter. The inspiration for the taste tests in the first place. I always get JIF because choosy moms choose JIF (so what if I’m not a mom). But am I just a slave to advertisers or do I actually like JIF? Hmm…

*I wanted to include Peter Pan, but like Schweddy Balls ice cream, I couldn’t find it anywhere.

Michelle – The sweetest. Has a nice peanut finish. Reminds me of peanut butter cookies.
Harry – Mellow. Not a lot of taste.

Organic brand
Michelle – Sticky, not too sweet. Peanutty.
Harry – Has a nice peanut taste. A little over-roasted. Has a slight bitterness. Sticky. Reminds me of peanut shells.

Michelle – Starts sweet. Peanutty and creamy. Very thick and salty.
Harry – Mellow. Not a lot of taste. (Harry couldn’t tell the difference between JIF and Skippy).

Laura Scudders
Michelle – Super sticky. Has the most peanut taste. Kind of bland. All I can taste is the peanut oil. Has a bitter aftertaste. Needs something (salt and sugar).
Harry – Stronger peanut taste. More bitterness going on.

And the winners were:

Michelle – JIF! Yay! I’ve been buying the right peanut butter all along.

Harry – Organic brand

The loser was:
Laura Scudders. Also, it was very gloopy. It was one of those peanut butters that you had to mix, but stirring didn’t make it any less oily. Gross.

Last up was pasta. Penne pasta in particular.

*Usually we eat whole wheat pasta, but I was too lazy to drive all over looking for four brands.

Eh. We tried, but they all tasted exactly the same. A couple of them were thicker and more ridgey (that’s what she said).

So if you’re in the area, stop by for some bland pasta, peanut butter and pretzels. And make sure to join us in the test kitchen next time as we taste the letter C(h)!


Last Thursday’s Cocky & Rude Fight Club bout between Michelle “Mush” Morgan and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was close, but in the end Michelle reigned victorious.  In this surprising battle, it was only eight votes that separated the winner from the loser.  We at C&R think that Michelle’s tits and her resistance to Mexican food was probably what took her all the way to the winner’s circle — earning her 66 votes (or 53%).  The Rock’s wrestling moves and acting chops just weren’t strong enough, earning him 58 votes (or 47%).  Perhaps The Rock is getting a little … soft?


It’s The Friday Five

Just about every week, Cocky & Rude presents you with a Friday Five.  It’s a list of our five favorite things of the week, wrapped up in a concise package for you to enjoy.  This week is no different.  So sit back, relax, and enjoy (dramatic pause) the Friday Five.

First up this week is Chris Crocker.  You may remember him from a few years ago when he urged the world to LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!!  Fast forward all the way to 2011 and it seems that Chris has had a bit of a makeover.  He’s now recording music, living with his boyfriend, … and will be starring in a full-length gay porno this summer!  (Very NSFW preview photos can be found on Unrated Perez.)  Oh, and he also has a Tumblr page, where he posts photos and answers questions like, “how do you know when someone loves you for you, and not for what you have, or what you can do for them?”  Music, Porn, Dear Abby Chris … he’s a triple threat!  Woo hoo!  Way to go, Chris Crocker!  I wonder if he still likes Britney?

Next up this week is something a little bit more G-Rated: Bicycling! I love to go on long bike rides (featuring tired muscles and a sore ass).  But lately, my schedule has been so busy and my self has been so lazy that I just haven’t hopped onto the old 2-wheeler.  So yesterday, for the first time this summer, I pumped up tires, tossed my bike into the Fit and drove to Washington Crossing State Park (that’s where Washington crossed the Delaware on Christmas in 1776 and changed the course of he American Revolutionary War).  From there I rode my bike north along the D&R Canal Trail to just north of Lambertville, NJ.  That’s a round trip of about 16 miles!  Woo!  Note: if you don’t see any blog posts after today, it means that I’ve died.

Third this week is the United States Postal Service!  I must admit that it was going to be on my list of most hated things this week (because I am still waiting for all my birthday cards and presents from ALL of the C&R readers (Polt not included — he sent me a lovely card with cute boys on the front)) but the USPS really came through for me this week.  They delivered Mush‘s prize for winning Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2 in two days (yes, I just sent it THIS week, and yes, she won the contest on March 31st).  I paid for the cheapest way to mail the box (because I’m poor) which claimed that it would get it to her in about 7 days … and it took 2.  From New Jersey to Washington state in 2 days.  I’m impressed.  Oh, and speaking of the USPS, it’s also the cause of Patton Oswalt’s most recent tragedy.  Enjoy:

Fourth this week are kittens!  As a bunch of you already know, I volunteer every week at a cat shelter, where I clean up various disgusting fluids (like diarrhea, vomit, pee, etc.), empty litter boxes, replace food and water dishes, sweep, vacuum, bleach, scrub, squeegee, etc.  Along with all my cleaning duties, I also get to spend a little time playing with cats … and kittens!  The summer months always mean that we have lots of kittens … and in case you were somehow unaware, kittens are amazing.  Not only are they playful and fun, they’re also soft, (usually) friendly, and most of all, they’re freak’n adorable.  Check out this kitten video that Tam passed on to me:

And finally this week is the TV series,  Fringe.  I always try my best (unlike some bloggers) to avoid blabbing on and on about old TV shows that I’m watching.  But I just finished watching three seasons of Fringe (over the course of about 3 weeks) and I wanna scream about it!  How come I never watched this show?  Have you seen it?!  It’s great!!  Granted, I love J.J. Abrams, the guy could take a dump for 2 hours, film it, call it a movie and I’d probably love it… But now I gotta wait until the fall season to see more FringeInconceivable!!!

So that’s this week’s Friday Five.  Do you love it?  Chris Crocker, Bicycling, the USPS, kittens, and Fringe!  It doesn’t get much better than that.  Or does it?  Tell me all about your five favorite things of the week in the comments!

Oh, and by the way, this week’s runners up are: the new cheap wok that I bought at Ikea, extra firm tofu, Trivial Pursuit questions (not the whole game), turtles, eBay, cancelling your Netflix subscription, and hardcore gay porn.

Adam or Mikey: the results

CLEARLY you’re all idiots and you need to read 253 more blog posts to get to know us better. In fact, you should read all of our blog posts and comment on them multiple times to gather additional information about us. If you were a very avid reader of our blog, you would have noticed by now that Mikey sometimes forgets to tag his posts and he forgot to tag his entries for yesterday’s challenge. All you needed to know about which statement was which blogger was in those tags.

Here’s the truth:
Adam has (1) never consumed shellfish, (2) has an unusual obsession with the Rosie O’Donnell show, (4) gags when he touches soft stuff (weirdo!), (6) hates vanilla scented candles, and (7) loves to dive into dumpsters.

Mikey is incredibly insulted that the majority of you thought he was the dumpster diver! In reality he was a (3) a big reading nerd in middle school, (5) has a dad who is a twin and a mom who has twin brothers, (8) read every word of Laura Ingalls Wilder (and wanted Michael Landon to be his dad), (9) hasn’t eaten any red meat or pork since he was 18 (Adam gave up all animal flesh when he was 14), and (10) failed at helping a friend cheat on an all important Social Studies exam.

You had better keep reading because there will be another pop quiz about 253 posts from now!

Adam or Mikey?

After reading their 253 blog posts, you’ve learned a lot about Adam & Mikey.  So, let’s play a game.  Below, you’ll find a list of 10 statements.  Five of them are true about Adam, and five of them are true about Mikey.  Can you match which statements belong to which blogger?  Post your guesses in the comments, and we’ll reveal the answers on Tuesday at noon.

1. In my entire life, I’ve never consumed shellfish.

2. I had The Rosie O’Donnell show set to record every day, for later viewing.

3. I won an award in 7th grade for being the best reader in my grade.

4. Sometimes when I touch soft things (like polar fleece), I gag.

5. My father is a twin and my mother’s two older brothers are also twins.

6. I despise the scent of vanilla candles.

7. My grandfather used to take me dumpster diving, and I’m still a sucker for free stuff.

8. As a child, I read all of the Laura Ingalls Wilder novels.

9. The last time that I ate steak, I was 18 years old.

10. I helped a friend in elementary school cheat on a Social Studies exam through a system of signs, but he still failed because he couldn’t keep up.