Tag Archives: Sarah Palin

10 Reasons Why I Might Dislike You On Facebook

You can’t stop posting photos of your children

You constantly post photos of sick/sad/dying animals

You do nothing but talk about sports 24/7

Your politics are stupid

You complain constantly

You post a photo of every meal that you eat

You are constantly fishing for pity

You are constantly fishing for compliments

You are wayyyy too attractive

You are way happier than me

So what bugs you on Facebook?  (And don’t forget to follow Cocky&Rude!)


 

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C&R Fight Club Round 2: Mel vs. Mr. Sombrero vs. Mikey!

Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND TWO!  The rules to the game are simple.  Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters.  We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind.  Then we’ll put the results to vote.  You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…


Each week of Round Two, we’ll drop three Round One winners into the ring and see who remains standing after a 24-hour Cocky & Rude Fight Club vote.  Today’s contestants are: Mel, Mr. Sombrero & Mikey!

On June 18th, Mel faced off against a fearsome duo: Raggedy Ann and Andy.  But in the end, Mel didn’t even have to raise one of his sharp knitting needles before those silly rag dolls, Raggedy Ann & Andy, crumpled to the ground and died.  Mel won with a very impressive 98% of the popular vote.

Excuse me? Me against the soft city boys? Not only do I come from a land where killing things is considered de rigueur, I live in a state where everyone – and I mean everyone – looks like a no-nonsense bulldyke. And when I say I cut bitches for a living, I mean that in the most literal sense. Scalpel in one hand and a syringe full of euthanasia solution in the other, I will seriously fuck these two over. -Mel

Mr. Sombrero claimed victory in his battle with a Confederate flag wielding, Sarah Palin loving, Redneck Border Patrolman.  With the help of his trusty burro and a bad case of Montezuma’s revenge, Mr. Sombrero won his fight with 99% of the popular vote.

En mi primero battle, I tore open the borders de Mexico to defeat that estúpido Redneck Border Patrolman.  And now you expect me to be afraid of a Mel, a man who fights dolls?  Or Mikey?  I can watch web videos faster than Speedy Gonzales!  Those two gringos are no match for me!  I will destroy them with my mustache tied behind my back!  ¡Ay, caramba y yo quiero Taco Bell! -Mr. Sombrero

C&R pitted our favorite Friday blogger, Mikey against the former heavyweight champion of the world: Mike Tyson.  But Tyson’s fight experience, rape conviction, face tattoo and an expertise in pigeon breeding were no match for Mikey’s love of cheese balls and web videos.  Mikey claimed an easy victory with 90% of the popular vote.

I’ve been around longer than Mr. Sombrero and I have heard from reliable sources that he smells bad.  Mel lives in Maine, which is barely a state these days.  I will triumph on the basis of proximity to greatness and clean-scentedness.  I call upon all of you vote for the only reasonable option. -Mikey


Who will win in the battle of  Paul vs. VUBOQ vs. FDot?  There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.

Check back on Sunday for the results!

Thanks to Michelle M., Mikey, Mr. Sombrero & Mel for your assistance with this post!

The First Official Five of Summer

Crap! It is officially summer. I loathe summer, mainly because I am super-white and burn in the lightest sun. It also doesn’t help that sweat profusely when the temperature rises above 80. Thankfully I have a bajillion things to watch online in my air conditioned apartment. Here are five of the most fabulous awesome things that have happened this week.

The first item on the list is really more of a public service announcement. The net-news has been crazy filled with reports of hacked accounts including the previously unsinkable Gmail, but if you are anything like me you hate the idea of changing your password because it is just really hard to remember which one you used this time. Well, you are in luck! You can now find out whether your email has been compromised at Should I Change My Password. It is free and easy. Do it!

Next we have something a little more fun: a dancing dog. Who doesn’t love the never-ending meme of internet pet tricks? I sure don’t. And dogs sure do know how to bust a move. They have more moves than Martha Graham. So without further adieu, I give you El Willy.

Not since that big whale has the name Willy been so beloved. Now let’s get nasty and talk about what comes out of a willy, more precisely a horses willy. In New Zealand at a restaurant called Green Man Pub, you can order apple infused horse semen to go with your pint of beer. Oh and it is served hot. To me this sounds revolting, but I’m sure there are some friends of the phallus out there who are just dying to get a taste.

Speaking of disgusting things, Sarah Palin has been whoring it up all over the country to delude brainless people into voting for her. What do you think would have happened if she went down south to South Caroline? Betsy’s Video Blog tells us just what to expect.

I was hoping that I could make the final of the five about the NY Senate voting to give equal rights to its citizens, but at the time I’m writing this they have not even entered the chamber. As we wait for that news (no matter what it may be), I am grateful for websites that bring that let us know what we need to know in short statements like this one. The internet has the capacity to make large volumes of information easily digestible to a large audience and Is Same-sex Marriage Legal in NY is one that does just that.

There they are folks: Should I Change My Password, El Willy, Horse Semen, Betsy’s Video Blog, and Is Same-Sex Marriage Legal in NY. Runners-up were: hardcore gay porn and BeautifulPeople.com.

C&R Fight Club: REDNECK BORDER PATROLMAN vs. MR. SOMBRERO!

Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club!  The rules to the game are simple.  Each week we’ll introduce our fighters.  We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses.  Then we’ll put the results to vote.  You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…


REDNECK BORDER PATROLMAN

AKA: Minuteman
Date of Birth:
July 4th, 1950
Place of Birth: Texas
Hair Color: gray
Current Residence: Texas
Relationship Status: married to an American woman
Occupation: Full-Time Minuteman
Height & Weight: 5’10”, 230lbs
Hobbies: shooting Mexicans, getting illegals deported, building fences
Favorite Colors: red, white and blue: the colors of the Confederate Flag!
Political Affiliation: Conservative Tea Party
Favorite Music: Toby Keith, Trace Adkins, Tim McGraw, Faith Hill
Utility Belt Contents: Gun, ammunition and a copy of the Constitution
Favorite Pastime: Looking for evidence that Barack Hussein Obama wasn’t born in the United States

The Minuteman Project is an activist organization started in April 2005 by a group of private individuals in the United States to monitor the United States–Mexico border’s flow of illegal immigrants. The name derives from the Minutemen, militiamen who fought in the American Revolution. The Minuteman Project describes itself as “a citizens’ Neighborhood Watch on our border”, and has attracted media attention to illegal immigration.  Today’s competitor is proud member of the Minutemen.  His secret weapons include: racism, a firm belief that Barack Obama was not born in the United States, a steadfast anti-healthcare reform position, a nearly endless supply of guns and ammunition (and if you don’t like it, please read the 2nd amendment to Constitution) and a direct line to Sarah Palin’s presidential campaign office.


MR. SOMBRERO

AKA: El Mostacho Loco
Date of Birth: On a sunny day a long time ago
Place of Birth: Mexico
Hair Color: shaved on top, black stash stash under the nose
Current Residence: New Jersey
Relationship Status: dating Adam
Occupation: who needs a job with a sombrero like this?
Height & Weight: 5’11”, the stash alone weighs 20lbs
Hobbies: jumping fences, hitting piñatas, spending time with his trusty burro
Favorite Color: red, white and green: the colors of the Mexican flag.
Political Affiliation: Liberal
Favorite Music: anything by Ricky Martin
Utility Belt Contents: tacos, maracas, mariachi guitar
Favorite Pastime: salsa dancing

Mr. Sombrero hails from the great country of Mexico.  Legend has it that he was born long ago on a particularly sunny day, when he shot out of his mother’s vagina as fast as Speedy Gonzales.  Opinions on the subject differ, but many say that he was born with fully grown black mustache.  He has always been known as a kind an gentle man, and is know for single-handedly building the Mayan pyramids, hiding gold from the Spaniards, winning the battle of the Alamo, winning the Mexican-American War, winning the Mexican Revolution.  He currently owns the Taco Bell restaurant chain.  His secret weapons include razor-edged throwing sombreros, the ability to stricken anyone with Montezuma’s revenge, border fence high jumps, powerful kicks from his trusty burro, and an enormous penis.


Who will win in the battle of  REDNECK vs. MEXICAN?  Will the Redneck Border Patrolman defeat Mr. Sombrero with his massive arsenal? Or will Mr. Sombrero give him a case of Montezuma’s revenge unlike the world has ever seen?  There’s only one rational way to decide which fighter will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want.That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.

Check back on Sunday for the results!

Thanks to Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!

10 Things To Do Before The World Ends

In case you haven’t heard … the end of the world is nearly upon us.  This Saturday, at 6pm EST, there will be a word-wide earthquake and God will Hoover all of his followers up to heaven. The rest of us sinners and non-believers will then be tormented with “hell on Earth” for 5 months until which time God will completely destroy Earth and the universe on October 21st.  That’s all according to the 91-year-old lunatic and president of the evangelical broadcast Family Radio, Harold Camping.  He and his followers have been spreading their word all over billboards, newspaper ads, protest signs and bus benches for quite a while now.

So just in case God skips over you when he’s rapturing all his followers up into the clouds (oh, and by the way, Camping hates the gays) … here are 10 suggestions for what you should spend your time doing over the next 5 months.

1. Take out as many loans and accept as many credit card offers as possible.  If you’re like me, you get credit card offers in your mailbox almost every day.  Why not accept … them all.  Also, visit every bank in town and take anything that they’re willing to loan you.  It’s not like you’ll ever have to pay any of it back!

2. Quit your job and ignore all of your responsibilities.  Jobs are for broke suckers that are planning for their future.  You only have 5 more months, and if you followed step #1, you’re loaded.  Why deal with those annoying coworkers and all the rest of your non-fun responsibilities if you don’t have to?  Quit!  Quit immediately!

3. Have lots and lots and lots and lots of sex. Whether it’s with your one true love, or you’re just banging every man, woman or goat in town … do it a lot.  Sex feels good, and if you only have 5 more months to enjoy it, then you better start sexifying every willing participant in sight.

4. Only eat food that’s delicious, even if it’s bad for you.  Drink a lot, and take up smoking.  Maybe even try some drugs.  Mmmm cookies, candy, vodka, cigarettes and acid.  They’re now the only food groups you need!

5. Spit in the faces of all your enemies. Walk up to them one at a time, and simply spit into their faces.  It’ll make you good, I promise.

6. Travel and see everything you’ve always wanted to see.  Assuming that all the roads aren’t jammed with other non-believers and the airplane pilots haven’t all been raptured, it’s time to travel.  You’re rich, so it’s time to travel the world.  Just avoid all of the steamping pits of lava and that whole “hell on Earth” thing.

7. Stop shaving. Oh wait … I hardly ever do that anyway.

8. Break some stuff.  Store windows.  Church windows.  Car windows.  All windows.  Mirrors, sculptures, crystal vases, plates, art, chandeliers, expensive things, national monuments… they’re all on my list.

9. Punch horrible people in the face. Donald Trump.  Sarah Palin.  Justin Bieber.  George W. Bush.  Glenn Beck, Michele Bachmann, Rush Limbaugh, Jay Leno, Muammar Gaddafi. You’re all on my list!

10. Eat meat.  See what you’ve been missing all this time.  It’s all gunna die anyway…

11. OOPS!  And I almost forgot: Spend a lot of time with the people you love.  So what are you going to do during the next (and last) five months of your life?  Assuming, of course, that God doesn’t slurp you up to heaven tomorrow.

Silver Surfing the Internet: 10 Suggestions for Seniors with Computers

I realized a few weeks ago that from a certain spot in my parking lot, I can see my landlord’s computer screen.  I was so excited!  I couldn’t wait to see what kind of porn (girls? boys? horses? fatties? fisting?) that he was into.  But after a few weeks of spying, I’ve come to the realization that all he ever does is play solitaire.  He’s exactly like my father, and most of the other old people (40+) that I know.  The computer is simply a new way to play card games.

Old people, I’m here to help you. There are better things to do with your computer!  The Internet is a wide and wondrous place.  Here are some suggestions to get you started…

E-mail Your Friends & Family
Why?  Because it’s cheaper than a toll call! (Old people usually don’t believe that free in-network mobile phone calls are actually free.)  You’ll especially enjoy forwarding bad jokes, religious stories, hoaxes that you are convinced are real, and sharing photos with your family.  Please note that old people usually don’t attach photos to an email correctly, so receivers will never see them.

Chat With Your Family
Instead of emailing, why not just IM them?  There are a variety of options: Google Talk, AIM, Yahoo! Messenger, etc.  Each one of them is easy to use and won’t time out when you only type about one word a minute.  Where is the ‘s’ again?  I’m sure your family is patient and won’t mind that you type so slow.  Oh, and Skype is out of the question, because old people will never understand how to set up a microphone and web cam.

Catch Up On The News
You’re old, so you’re probably a Republican.  The best news site for you is FoxNews.com!  They offer a  fair and balanced version of the news that’s usually not exactly true, but true enough to get you all riled up against those damn liberals!  Your favorite person, Sarah Palin is even on the payroll!  Check daily for the latest on how heath care reform will cause you to be instantly euthanized and up-to-the-minute information about how Barack Obama was not born in the United States.

Stay On Top Of The Weather
Old people love the weather.  A chance of rain or snow is enough of a reason to stay home for days.  And when you don’t have much left to live for, it’s important to know the temperature highs and lows for the day.  Make sure to send daily emails to your kids and grandkids, reminding them to wear a coat today!

Porn, Porn & More Porn!
Old people’s penises and vajayjays are saggy and old.  They wrinkle up like prunes (which on a side-note, are great for avoiding constipation!) and drag on the ground.   Don’t get me started on wispy gray pubic hair.  It’s just disgusting.  Porn is a great way to remember how your body used to look.  And what better place to find porn than on the Internet?

It’s Hookup Time!
And why stop at porn?  The Internet is a great place for old people to find romance or just hook up with other old folks.  And with the advent of Viagra and Cialis, old guys never have to worry about under-preforming and stage fright.  eHarmony.com is great if you’re looking for romance (and they don’t let the queers in either!), but sites like AshleyMadison.com are great if you’re just looking to bang some old married people, and still make it home in time for Wheel of Fortune.

Print Out Some Coupons
The only thing better than sex is saving money.  And with websites like Coupons.com, you don’t even have to worry about hobbling with your walker to end of the driveway to pick up the newspaper anymore.  You can sit on your Duro-Med Rubber Inflatable Seat Cushion Ring and print coupons straight from the computer!  As long as you can figure out how to use that damn printer!

Google Your Favorite Subjects
You’re old, so you’re probably all about history (because you were there when it happened).  Why not Google your favorite topics?  I suggest searching for topics like “World War I” or “Back when I had a pet dinosaur.”  Or why not just use Google as an address bar?  Wanna go to FacebookSearch for “Facebook.com” or why not try searching Google for “Google.com”?  Old people LOVE to do that.

Map Your Family Tree
Old people love reconnecting and remembering their long lost relatives.  Why not use a site like Ancestry.com to map a family tree?  Or how about Classmates.com to find a few of your still-living classmates?  Both sites cost money, and for some reason, old people are surprising willing to pay for these services.  Just don’t be there a month later when the credit card bill shows up.  They’ll have that foamy pad on the telephone speaker pressed hard against their hearing aid as they scream at the credit card company representative to take the charge of their bill.

Stalk Your Family On Facebook
Facebook, you say?  That’s where I disapprovingly look at photos of my grandson Adam jamming vegetables down his pants.  He thinks it’s funny.  I think it’s disgusting!  Old people love stalking their family on Facebook.  They’d stalk their friends too, but they’re all dead.

Old people are great, and they love computers.  With this helpful list, hopefully they can make the most out of their final few years on the planet.  Do you have any suggestions of your own?  Add to my list in the comments!

Have You Ever … Annoyed Mikey?!

A few months ago, we found out how easy it is to annoy Adam. You may have just been humming along living your life when some random dude in a red Honda Fit flipped you off and called you a granny-ass driver.  That was Adam.  Now it is time to see how difficult it is to annoy Mikey: the self-proclaimed master of zen.  You know the rules: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments section.

Have You Ever…

1. Have you ever ordered something on the menu at a restaurant and then asked that ever single item on your entree was removed?
2. Have you ever ordered something unfitting from a karaoke bar, like wine?
3. Have you ever reached the top of a stairway and stopped directly at the top without regard for the fact that others are walking behind you?
4. Have you ever stopped at the bottom of a moving escalator thinking that the people right behind wouldn’t end up crushed to death?
5. Have you ever corrected someone’s spelling in a non-formal communication like a chat, email or blog post?
6. Have you ever corrected someone’s grammar in a non-formal communication like a chat, email or blog post?
7. Have, you, ever, inserted, additional, commas, into, Mikey’s, writing, because, you, felt, they, belonged, there? [Note: Adam edited this question.]
8. Have you ever called someone five seconds after emailing them to see if they got your email?
9. Have you ever emailed someone and asked what “twitter town hall” was and if it was something to do with skype?
10. Have you ever walked slowly in the middle of the sidewalk?
11. Have you ever gone to a movie close to start time and yelled over the crowd to see if “that seat is taken?”
12. Have you ever pushed someone out of the way on the train platform so that you could get to the bottleneck at the gate directly in front of them?
13. Have you ever stood in front of subway doors or elevator doors when they are open without moving to allow people to get on or off?
14. Have you ever talked on your cellphone while riding any form of public transportation?
15. Have you ever used the “10 Items or Less Lane” when you had more than 10 items?
16. Have you ever used the self-checkout lane with more than 5 items?
17. Have you ever been consistently late and blamed your lateness on the “traffic” or the “subway?”
18. Have you ever asked where the paper clips are when they are always in the supply cabinet?
19. Have you ever expected someone to supervise your staff because you don’t understand your own job?
20. Have you ever kept a yappy dog  at home with no entertainment or distraction to keep it from yapping at every sound it hears?
21. Have you ever given/received a blow-job at a friend’s housewarming party on his bed, while other people were in the next room?
22. Have you ever given shooting lessons to a 7 year old?
23. Have you ever been pretentious?
24. Have you ever taken Mikey for granted?
25. Have you ever been Sarah Palin?
Wow…you really do annoy Mikey!  Leave your number in the comments so we can all see how much you have annoyed the hell out of him!