Tag Archives: Porn

Biggest C&R Loser 2013

Biggest_CR_Loser_2013

Welcome to the 8th week of Biggest C&R Loser 2013! This year we’ll be keeping all of the results and placings secret until the end of the contest. We’ll also be pooling our cash to award the 2013 winner the largest prize we’ve ever awarded … a whopping $40!  This week’s theme is “TEMPTATION” – Everyone is tempted by something (food, laziness, sleep) when they should be eating healthy and exercising.  What tempts the contestants?  Let’s find out!


Polt

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So this week, it’s Temptation. My biggest temptation is: Gay Porn. ‘Well DUH!’ I can hear you all saying now, but I mean as it relates to this contest. See, if I give in to the temptation of the uncounted amount of gay porn on the Internet, then I spend time watching that and NOT out walking. And after watching gay porn, I’m generally in need of replenishing my…energies. So I eat. And usually it’s snacky-stuff, that’s not healthy for me. So if I could resist the gay porn, I could be exercising more and eating better. …..but yeah, we ALL know that ain’t gonna happen.


Tam

temptation

My temptations are books, I’m either reading one (Don’t ya love my snazzy red e-reader?) or writing one and Chapman’s oatmeal cookies and chocolate ice-cream sandwiches. But they were on sale. How could I not buy them? I’m just a lazy ass all around. I should be up doing something useful and energetic, but I’d rather surf the net and do reading-type stuff. Which would explain why there is no way in hell I am winning the $40.


TwoPi

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I’ve mostly been eating what I want. I’ve gotten over my cravings for sweets (fairly easy) and for salty snack foods (harder). But what I’m so so SO tempted by is caffeinated coffee. My physician took me off caffeine last summer, and I’ve been successful staying off. But man, when I get behind on grading papers, get up early to get work done before the kids wake up, and I’m sipping my third cup of decaf wondering why it isn’t doing it for me…dang. I’ve been jonesing for caffeine pretty badly lately.


Adam

Lately I’ve been tempted to actually lose weight. I’ve been considering a visit to the gym. I’ve even thought about counting calories. Maybe I’ll actually succumb to the temptation!!


Michelle M.

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What tempts me? My inner child. Grown up me knows she should eat right and exercise, but my inner child is quite the little temptress. What she says pretty much goes.


Mikey

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My number one temptation is take out. Living in NYC it is sooooo easy to order anything to your door, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you will eat well. At least once a week I am tired enough to think about ordering…but my brain denies it.


Mr. Sombrero

americanbeauty

I get tempted so easily. Mostly by peanut butter and anything else that starts with the word, “Reese’s.” Late at night when I’m watching Chelsea Lately, I think that should be exercising. Instead, I just close my eyes and imagine that I am Mena Suvari in American Beauty, being showered with rose petals. Except that it’s me instead of Mena, and I’m being showered with jars of PB. And then I get hit in the head and wake up. Then it’s time for bed.

Picture 7


Nathan

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My biggest temptation is eating delicious quick unhealthy foods. I’m a sucker for pizza. Making healthy choices is more expensive and more work, and I’m just lazy I guess.


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Happy Birthday Tam!

In celebration of Tam’s birthday tomorrow, a few of us banded together to produce something that we hope she really enjoys.  Presenting, our own collaborative version of smutty M/M slash fiction:

Just Another Day In Tamsville

Raul St. Paul worked seven days a week, twelve hours a day at the Tim Hortons in Tamsville, Ontario. It was hard work and long hours, but he desperately needed the money keep up with his child support commitments.

He had never regretted that awkward night with his high school sweetheart. A few months later, when she told him that she was pregnant, he was as happy as could be. He had never pictured himself with a son.

But now, three years later, his work at Tim Hortons left him very little time for a social life. Deep frying donuts for the people of Tamsville didn’t do much to introduce Raul to eligible singles. That is, of course, until Zander Macaroon walked through door, and into his life.

“C-can I help you?” Raul stammered as he looked deep into Zander’s blue eyes.

-Adam

Zander Macaroon was tall, with skin like a non-fat soy caramel macchiato no foam extra light whipped cream latte with a touch of honey. His dark hair was long and pulled back into, something Raul found hard to describe. It was like a thing — a hair thing, and it was magnificent. It was impossible to describe what ethnicity he was; as he was like a mix of every minority Raul St. Paul’s mother warned him about and that just took Raul’s breath away.

“Please sir, I was hoping you could help me,” said Zander with a voice as smooth as spider’s silk. “My car broke down a little while back and I was hoping I could use your phone.”

“Of course!” said Raul, slightly too excitedly. What was it about gorgeous men that turned him into a blundering idiot, he wondered? Raul dug into his pocket, grazing his suddenly engorged baby maker as he did so and pulled out his cell phone. “Here, you can use my cell phone, I have unlimited minutes.”

Raul held out his phone over the counter that separated them, and when the man took it, their skin touched ever so slightly. Upon the contact of their flesh, Raul was overcome with a flood of images: dark, naked, writhing shadows filled his mind and body, down to the deepest crevice of his most sacred flesh that was suddenly clenched in both fear and exhilaration.

“W-w-what are you?” was all Raul was able to get out once he caught his breath.

-Craig

Raul’s heart fluttered uncontrollably. A single bead of sweat formed in the middle of his back and he felt it run all the way down to his ass. It cleaved his cheeks and deposited itself at his Hershey highway.

Raul looked up at Zander’s face once more to find that Zander had finished his call and was talking directly to Raul. Raul apologized for spacing out and asked what he had missed.

“Oh, I just told you that the tow truck is on the way. Is it okay if I wait here?” Zander asked.

“No problem!” blurted Raul with mild regret. He had a feeling it would be a problem. He already couldn’t concentrate on his work since his purple-headed love warrior was pushing the limits of his pants.

-Mikey

“Thanks again for letting me use your phone.” Zander said in a slight accent that Raul couldn’t quite place.

“Oh, it was nothing, really.” Anything to keep you in this store a little longer Raul thought to himself.

“I’m not really sure how I can repay you. ” Zander said handing the phone back to Raul.

“Oh, no need, Tuesdays are super slow. The store will be empty for hours and it is nice to have someone, I mean something to pass the time.” Zander handed the phone back to Raul, but Raul, being a bit too eager, grabbed for his phone a little too vigorously. The phone popped out of Zander’s hand and was suddenly air born.

Both handsome men shot their hands forward in an attempt to save the phone from the floor. After an awkward flash of caramel and coffee colored skin, the phone settled in Raul’s hand, which was settled in the very firm grip of Zander’s hand.

Raul’s face flushed red as he looked into Zander’s impossibly blue eyes. “I, um, thanks. I g-got it.” Raul said and swallowed hard, trying to gain some composure as his glazed donut puckered and throbbed.

Zander, tucking a bit of misplaced hairthing back into place, looked deep into Raul’s face and said, “I think I can help you with your jelly stick to repay your kindness.” He then grabbed Raul by his cheap polyester uniform and kissed him deeply on the mouth.

-Jeliot

Raul was astounded. Could this really be happening? Zander’s lips were as soft and pillowy as the dough that made up the many delicious varieties of Tim Horton’s baked goods.

“Mmmm. You taste like cinnamon.” murmured Zander.

“That’s the apple fritter I just ate,” said Raul.

Zander deepened the kiss and ran his hands through Raul’s short, spiky ‘do. Raul pushed Zander up against the counter and began to unbutton his plaid shirt.

“Plaid really turns me on,” breathed Raul as he trailed his fingers through Zander’s thick mat of chest hair.

“Let’s see if you look as good out of that polyester uniform as you do in it,” said Zander as he unzipped Raul’s slacks.

Raul closed his eyes and lost himself in the wonder of Zander. His husky voice, the scent of his spicy cologne, his rock hard chest and warm gentle mouth were almost too much for him. And were those bells he heard ringing? Suddenly he felt Zander pull away. Raul opened his eyes to find Zander looking toward the door. Still lost in a haze of passion, Raul turned around to see the door to Tim Horton’s standing ajar – the bell above still resounding. Standing in the doorway was his obese manager, Betty Blam.

-Michelle M.

“Raul!” Betty shrieked, even more shriekier than usual. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?! The only thing you should be kissing around here is my ass! You’re lucky you still have a job after all the shit and cocks you’ve pulled around here!”

Before Raul could even respond, Zander withdrew a previously concealed handgun and pumped three holes in Betty’s bulbous chest. The woman fell back, crashing partially through the glass door, but too fat to pass through the door frame entirely. She hung there limper than Raul’s discostick had been fifteen minutes earlier.

Zander replaced his gun in the back waist of his perfectly fitting jeans. “Now where were we?”

The two men collided their bodies into each other once more like two Bettys fighting over the last bugle. Before Raul knew it, he was on top of the counter and on top of Zander, their bodies pressed into each other, their tongues searching each others mouths like two squirrels searching for each others nuts.

Raul slid his hand down the front of Zander’s pants, searching for the glorious prize that awaited him.

-Craig

It was just then that he heard the low honk of the tow truck in the parking lot outside. “I asked the driver to pick me up here,” Zander whispered.

“Oh … I guess you’ll be going then?” Raul asked disappointedly as he leaned back onto the counter.

“Yea I guess … you think I can have a free donut for the ride?” Zander asked as he dismounted and began to button his shirt.

“I’m not really supposed to,” Raul said as he glanced towards the bleeding, lifeless fat heap of his manager in the doorway, “But I guess I can make an exception.”

Raul stood up from the counter and put on an apron to help conceal his throbbing trouser snake.  “Can I at least have your number before you go?” he asked.

“You can have more than that,” Zander said as they heard another honk from the parking lot.  “Meet me in the lot after your shift with a few more free donuts and I’ll fill your donut with cream… if you catch my drift.”  They both laughed.

Raul grabbed a mop as Zander hopped over Betty Blam and into the parking lot.  He watched the tow truck speed away as he began to clean up the blood.  He couldn’t wait until his shift was over.

-Adam

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TAM!

It’s Your Friday Five!

This week I turned to you for a Friday Five… and by FSM, you delivered!  By the power of Grayskull, I present YOUR Friday Five!

Hot problems! We can all relate, I’m sure. These girls are just… awful. They make yearn for the vocal styling of Rebecca Black. I’m pretty sure this video is the beginning of the End of Days. -Michelle M.

NYC is Effed.

And you know what End of Days means. That’s right. Zombies! Here’s a Zombie Survival Map. Just plug in your address and find all the resources you need to help you survive an undead outbreak. -Michelle M.

Since we’ve been rehearsing FAME like forever – the mastermind behind Tyrone Jackson decided to start filming us seeing as we are a kick ass cast! The vlogs have been posted for our viewing enjoyment and this is our most recent. I recommend skipping the useless stuff and going straight to 2:48 where we start dance warm up with our lovely choreographer Chloe! Then it’s our opening number, Pray/Hard Work. After is our wonderful Tyrone singing Dancing on the Sidewalk! Enjoy! Also this is still rehearsal we’re much better now I promise! Our opening night went fantastic and hopefully the rest do toooooo! -Kristen “The Kid”

I know that this Doritos commercial is from the Super Bowl but I still love it. Every time it’s on I have to stop what I’m doing and watch. When he slams into the window it kills me! -Tam

Polt's laptop was broken!

What made this week great for me? Friends that have enough intimate knowledge of computers to help me reformat my laptop. Thanks to StratCat, it’s now back up and running, albeit, a smidge differently than before, just minor changes, mind you, but changes nonetheless. Still, it’s better than what I had before she got it up and running. So yay to friends who can do that, in general, and to StratCat in particular! -Polt

Have you ever imagined what goes on inside the head of your favorite pet?  Well one enterprising Brit put those wonders onto my current favorite tumblr blog.  It even got me to use the term tumblr, which I hate.  I mean…why not tumbler?  It’s only one more letter.  I mean….seriously.  Anyway….check out the site for all the real life inspired texts between one person and their dog. -Mikey

Roscoe would look awesome with a monocle.

MY GOODNESS What a week! Hot Problems, Zombies, Fame, Doritos commercials, friends with computer knowledge, and a British dog that can text! It’s such a great Friday Five that there actually six! Wowzers!

And since I didn’t participate this week, here are MY runners up: open windows, my bicycle, Dick Clark died, Wawa Diet Green Tea, driving with the windows down, going to bed early, ant traps, Draw Something, mustaches, Kindle Fire and hardcore gay pornography.

Gay Porn: The Survey Continues!

So I started with my first analysis of the results here at Cocky & Rude and then I posted at my own blog about Gay Porn and Social Networking and now today we’ll touch on exposure to the flesh, sometimes with touching. Ahem.

I asked who had seen some dancing boys, either completely nekkid or with the naught bits covered. I was actually kind of surprised how many hadn’t, or how many hadn’t seen them completely in the buff. My first experience with male stripper was when I was 19. It was a friend’s Mom’s 50th birthday party. Yes, awkward. Anyway, this was way back in the day, ‘cause I’m old as dirt, and in Manitoba no less, and they were completely bare. Huh. Who’d have thought we were so progressive out there on the prairies.

What did people have to say about the dancing boys:

Ok while I can appreciate the skin I just can’t get past the boys that can’t shake their booty – so I would rather watch boys that can dance rather than uncoordinated attempts. – Riley (point taken, have some rhythm white boys)

Some drool worthy in my college days. One gent who was apache had me really drooling. And those guys in NOLA. – SamK (Okay, Andrew in NOLA was pitiful but the others were ‘fine’)

Only once in the total buff, and he wasn’t that good-looking, which sort of spoiled the experience. I’ve seen lots of strippers or go-go dancers in g-strings/jock straps… – Janet (Why was Janet looking above his shoulders?)

I’ve seen both. I sort of prefer them to be not entirely naked. I’m way more about the arms and chest than the peen. – Anon (that’s a point – we all know penises are gross)

Okay, so maybe you’d seen one up there gyrating on the bar and having a good time. Maybe you’ve even touched a bare ass or two in passing. What about something more. Really getting down and dirty. Well, not surprisingly the numbers there are much lower. I’m thinking largely because that may be illegal in most places? Not sure. Anyway, most of us are willing to give it a try though and see if it’s worthwhile. The ladies in the circles I run in are nothing if not open minded.

So what was it like for those who’ve experienced it?

Once, in passing, in Thailand, and it made me really sad 😦 – Anon (that doesn’t sound fun)

Maybe, oh hell yeah, let me at it? Have watched the men down on Bourbon Street with a gay co-worker. – SamK (How did I miss this in NOLA?)

At a gay club we hadn’t visited before – it was actually pretty good – needless to say we did go back again! But have also seen some pretty bad ones – Riley (Riley, the voice of experience.)

Only if no women are involved. – Ruby Netherlips (True that. I heard some oddly horrific/yet fascinating stories about Japan from a colleague)

Does the Folsom Street Fair count? 🙂 There were all sorts of lovely men doing lovely things to each other, and I have photos to prove it 😉 – Anon (I can’t believe she didn’t share the pics!)

Only reason I haven’t is I’d rather go in the company of a friend, and the opportunity hasn’t come around yet. But on that fine day…! – Willa Okati (author) (We’ll have to work on that Willa.)

A club isn’t my thing. Certainly wouldn’t mind seeing two guys having sex live, though, but outside of a club, not sure how that would come about, lol. – Anon (I believe cash would exchange hands. Maybe if we all chipped in?)

So there you have it. Monday on my blog I’ll have some final thought on WHY we like the all-boy porn. I was so impressed by everyone who answered by poll and shared their personal stories and reasons for their preferences. Not all anon as you note either.

Thanks to C&R for hosting some of my results and for inspiring the survey. It was great fun.


Check out Tam’s blog: Tam Reads, Writes & Rambles, read her reviews at Brief Encounters, or follow her on Twitter.

Straight Girls & Gay Porn

So when Adam and Michelle put out their whiny request saying they were “tired” and “too exhausted” to post this week (wah wah wah) and DESPERATELY wanted guest posts, I thought … what could I, the classy sophisticated woman that I am, write about for a guest post? Of course, the obvious answer was Mikey’s favorite: hardcore gay porn.

Now everyone knows that straight girls only like porn with romantic music and floaty curtains, and soft gentle non-threatening male actors, right? Heh. Yeah. Well, I can’t speak on behalf of all straight girls, only the ones in my little pervy corner of the universe, and that description? Not so much. I decided I would do a survey of a few of my friends who I know enjoy a little man-on-man action, or at least a picture of a nekkid bottom now and then. Well, they told two friends, and they told two friends and so on, and so on. You know the drill. I ended up with 110 responses. Ack! I needed to buy a Survey Monkey pay subscription to access them all.

So what is the story with these women? They’re just looking at artsy pictures right? Well, we’re looking at pictures, I’m not sure how many are “artsy”. Have you been to Tumblr lately? Ahem. 97.3% have a gander at the boys, many on a daily basis, or several times daily, or hourly. Do you know how fast a dashboard moves on that site? Ya gotta keep up or you’ll miss a good one.

Now surely they’re not WATCHING videos. I must be alone in that jungle of testosterone, right? Oh no, I’m not alone. Basically 83% of us girls surveyed like to watch some hot video action, although we are basically cheap and don’t want to pay for it.

Okay, but they’re all single and sad and desperate like me I’m sure. Hmmm. Maybe? 37.6% of us are footloose and fancy free and can watch whatever the hell we want on the internet. But 35.6% have husbands who don’t really care.

I got some interesting comments:

So there you have it. But you’re asking “why?” right? Most people do, even other straight girls. And no, none of us imagine one of the ‘stars’ coming to their senses and sweeping us off our feet. Some of us like to watch straight porn or girl-on-girl as well, but there are a lot of common reasons women don’t like watching porn with other women in it. We are not the target audience. It’s aimed at men and as a rule shows women that men (supposedly) find attractive. The men involved don’t really matter, because straight guys are staring at the women. Straight girls? We’re looking at Ron Jeremy. Ack. If that’s not a freaking turn-off what is? I like to look at attractive men and seriously, you aren’t going to find many in straight porn. So I’ll go where my eye can enjoy the view, doubly, or more.

Here are some of the comments from my survey respondents:

So there you have it folks. In general the reasons why some of us girls like gay porn are: we like men and the way men look; straight porn makes us feel icky or self-conscious; and … it’s just hot. *shrug*

I received so many interesting answers to my questions about porn stars on twitter, live sex shows, strippers and how “out” you are with your habit, that I will definitely be using much of this info for some posts on my own site. Too much great data not to mine for other posts. I admit my survey sample was skewed to those who already have an interest in the subject matter, but it wouldn’t have been nearly as fun otherwise.

I know porn is not for everyone, but if it’s your thing, happy watching.


Check out Tam’s blog: Tam Reads, Writes & Rambles, read her reviews at Brief Encounters, or follow her on twitter.

It’s The Thursday Four!

My new haircut looks something like this.

Much like the ‘Friday Five’, the ‘Thursday Four’ is an exploration of great things.  …except there are four things instead of five.  …and it’s Thursday and not Friday.  …and it doesn’t really have the same ring as ‘Friday Five’.  OH WELL!  This week Michelle M. and I got together (figuratively, not literally) to present these four great things to you.  Read ’em and weep, suckers!

1. Grooming myself! (and having other people groom me.)  This week I trimmed my beard really short, AND got a haircut!  I look marvelous!  I’d post a photo, but I’ve gotten so fat that I hardly look like myself anymore.  (Hurray for BC&RL3!)  Either that or I’m just super lazy tonight.  ANYWAY — I love having a closely shorn head and face.  Is that weird? -Adam

Fuck you, Chris Christie!

2. Chris Christie vetoed gay marriage!  After I’ve finally gotten over the fact that he fired every teacher in NJ, I needed a new reason to hate that fat Republican fuck.  And he did not disappoint — last week he vetoed gay marriage!  Yay Chris Christie!  Now I have a reason hate you forever.  If I ever see you in person, I promise to spit on you.  People just don’t spit on each other enough these days.  Unless they need emergency lubrication — but that’s a whole ‘nother story. -Adam

3. Downton Abbey* – what a great show. Season two has just ended, but there will be a season three, and Shirley MacLaine will play Lady Cora’s mother. Yay! Here is a clip from Saturday Night Live if you haven’t been watching and would like a rundown on the show. – Michelle M.

They see me rollin', they hatin', patrollin' Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty.

4. And look! There are Downton Abbey paper dolls, in case you’re going through DA withdrawal like me. I love the faces for the Chicken Lady, er, Dowager Countess, O’Brien’s evil soap and Mr. Pamuk. – Michelle M.

Runners up: The Good Wife*, reusable shopping bags, complaining, spending other people’s money, liquid wart remover,lazy posts, pregnant ladies, selling crap on eBay, adorably tiny bottles of diet soda, eating like a pig before BC&RL3, and hardcore gay pornography.

That’s our Thursday Four … what’s yours?

*Why isn’t this show on Our T.V. Night??

Sports are Stupid! Here’s 50 Things To Do Instead of Watching the Super Bowl…

1. Clip your toenails.
2. Organize your grocery store coupons.
3. Admire Polt’s ass.
4. Twiddle your thumbs.
5. Stare at the wall.

6. Watch the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet.
7. Read a book.
8. Watch The Notebook to balance out the world.
9. Organize a box of Fruit Loops by color.
10. Call all your butch friends who are watching the Super Bowl, just to chat.

11. Roll pennies.
12. Watch paint dry.
13. Clean out your closet.
14. Stuff everything that you took out of your closet into another closet.
15. Alphabetize your DVDs.

16. Comb your back hair.
17. Go shopping.
18. Clean out your refrigerator.
19. Replace the batteries in your smoke detectors.
20. Clean the dead bugs out of your ceiling lamps.

21. Make sure that everything hanging in your home is perfectly level.
22. Tweeze your eyebrows.
23. Catch up on Glee.
24. Look up naked women on the Internet and ponder why vaginas are just so damn disgusting.
25. Actually read one of those m/m short stories that Tam is always reviewing.

26. Masturbate.
27. Watch grass grow.
28. Play solitaire.
29. Add hundreds of pointless life events to your Facebook timeline.
30. Organize your porn.

31. Prune your pubes.
32. Microwave random things until they explode.
33. Perfect a foreign accent.
34. Plot world domination.
35. Perform an interpretive dance of LMFAO‘s I’m Sexy and I Know It.

36. Bake and decorate a cake.
37. Plan your future wedding.
38. Go grocery shopping (the store will be EMPTY).
39. Re-read every C&R post and comment on all of them.
40. Actually visit Our T.V. Night (because no one ever does).

41. Build a sex machine.
42. Nap.
43. Compose a C&R guest post and email it to Adam.
44. Learn the beautiful art of flower arraigning.
45. Drink alcohol until you pass out.

46. Lick the black mold that’s growing on your bathroom wall.
47. Clean your house.
48. Exercise.
49. Go see a movie.
50. Dream up 50 more things that you could do instead of watching the Super Bowl.

Special thanks to Mikey and Craig for their assistance with this post.