While innocently surfing the Internet, I stumbled upon some survey results from a few years ago. It seems that the reputable source, Condomania.com has determined a unique rankings of average penis size in the 50 states. Here’s Condomania’s results, ordered by largest to smallest penis:
By now you’ve scanned the list to see where you rank. Are you lucky enough to be living in well-endowed New Hampshire? Or maybe you’re living in Micropenisville, Wyoming? Most of the C&R frequent commenters living in the following 8 states … and here’s how we measure up:
The results turned out quite well for the presumably well-hung Mikey, Craig, Ty, Josh, Jere and the rest of our New York commenters. Unfortunately those of us in New Jersey (like myself) and Maine didn’t quite measure up. But as those of us who are a bit less than well endowed often claim: it’s not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean.
A final note … New Yorkers shouldn’t whip out their junk and celebrate too quickly. When Condomania.com ranked the 20 most populated U.S. cities by their average penis size, some new facts were revealed:
It’s good news for commenters like Harry, Ryan and VUBOQ, who live in or near San Diego and Washington D.C. It looks like they may out-measure a few of our New York City friends after all.
So how do you measure up? Are these lists accurate? And what city and state will you be visiting on your next vacation?
Last Tuesday Harry and I went with our friends D. and S. to see Conan. Check in was in the ground level of a parking garage at 1:30. Notice my nails – I painted them orange for the occasion.
After we got our tickets we had time to kill until they took us to the studio at 3:00. The garage was freaking cold, so we left to find something to eat. We found a place called Henry’s Hat not too far away. The Conan staff took my camera, so here is recreation of my lunch: a Mai Tai in a tiki glass and breakfast potatoes.
Back at the garage we were led in groups (I have never seen so many f*cking hipsters in one place) to the studio. We walked across the street and then wound our way through the various sound stages to the Conan holding pens. I thought it was funny to muse out loud if random people we passed were famous. After the 30th time it was still hilarious. To me. Or maybe it was the Mai Tai talking. Anyway, imagine my excitement when I spotted Johnny Galecki (of The Big Bang Theory and one of my favorite shows, Roseanne)! He was on his cell phone and wearing a blue shirt! “It’s David Galecki!” I said excitedly (I was thinking of his character on Roseanne).
Brad, the guy in charge of our group confirmed that it was, indeed Johnny Galecki. Not one minute later an Asian guy passed by. “Hey, that guy’s famous!” I said. I didn’t know his name, but he looked like the guy from Entourage. Brad said he was on Community and Ugly Betty. So I said I’d Google him when I got home.
I don’t know what the hell Brad was talking about. It was totally Rex Lee from Entourage and Suburgatory (A show I watch!). Besides, Suburgatory films there, we passed right by their trailers and wardrobe racks. Whatever, Brad. We also passed by Chuck Lorre’s parking space and the Harry’s Law soundstage. How awesome would it have been to see Kathy Bates?! After a brief wait in the holding pens, we finally made it into the studio.
We were in the 7th row. Yay! Out of 9 rows. Boo!
The set looked so much smaller in real life. Some dude came out to warm up the audience and tell us to clap when the “applause” sign lit up. Then the band came out. They were awesome! First, La Bamba sang a song.
Then Mark Pender (the bald guy) sang a song. It kind of sounded like “Jump, Jive and Wail”, but it wasn’t. Anyway, they were fantastic.
Then the most boring Conan show ever taped started. Conan came out and did his monologue. He did his little jump, but no string dance. It was their one year anniversary, but you wouldn’t have known it from the show. They did nothing special to mark the occasion – no skit, no confetti, nothing. Maybe they were tired from the New York trip. He did do a funny sign bit with a guy in one of the front rows (to sit in the front rows you had to get there at 9:30).
Andy did a bit about fall foliage. Um, I adore Andy, but it wasn’t that funny. I’m going to blame the writers.
There was also a peanut players skit about Herman Cain. It was kinda meh. I think the Depardieu one from August was hilarious. Here’s that one.
The first guest was Julie Bowen. I love Modern Family, but she bugs me. Oh – we just watched Horrible Bosses last night – it was cute and funny and I would recommend it. She was in that. Oh well, at least she had some energy.
Her son made a turkey. It was the most interesting guest on the show.
Next up was a snowboarder. God, he was dull.
My mind wandered off halfway through the interview.
Then a comedienne (?) came out. She had a baby voice and made weird faces. She spoke too softly so we couldn’t make out a lot of what she was saying. That night when we watched the show on tv we were able to confirm that she was lame and not funny.
Then it was over, but before Conan left the stage he sang a sweet little goodbye song to the audience.
Outside it was dark and we made our way back to the garage. We passed my new friend Brad who called out to me to remember to Google that guy. Which I did. Brad, you need to watch more tv. On the way home we stopped at the Downey Brewery where I had a Lambic Frambois and some onion rings. God, I ate nothing healthy that day.
Harry had a sausage party.
Back on the road we went in the wrong direction for about half an hour, because we’re awesome like that. Despite the lackluster show, we had a great time and hope to see Conan again in the future.
The next day I had some homemade yellow split pea soup and a big salad to make up for the delicious crap I ate the day before.
While some of you were digging out your umbrellas, battening down the hatches, and stocking up on bottled water, candles and Cheetos, Harry and I were on our way to see Kathy Griffin in concert!
I made a shirt for the occasion. This is my first foray into bedazzling. Yes, I know the “I” is crooked.
On our way to Costa Mesa.
It’s so great to be back in California! Colorado sucked.
We got into a little traffic on our way.
Yay! “Pop Music” by M.
Shout out to the Oldz (you know who you are).
I got hungry and needed a snack.
We had dinner at Gordon Biersch. Beer for Harry and a caramel martini for me. Yum!
I had the chicken curry lettuce cups (ok, but not very spicy – and the dish needed some lime).
Harry had a sausage party.
We had to pay for parking!! Don’t they know who we are?!! Sheesh.
On the way in we saw Team Griffin – or as Kathy calls them, “her gays”. It was cool to see them in person after seeing them with her on the My Life on the D-List, Same Name, and other shows.
We were second row, it was too awesome.
Kathy had tweeted that this was what she was going to wear, but really she wore black pants, a black shirt with a belt and flats. She is super tiny and has a Scarlett O’ Hara waist.
We went to the first show that night. They were taping both shows for a Bravo special to air in the middle of September. Kathy’s mom Maggie came out (with a glass of wine) to say a few words and introduce Kathy. She got a standing ovation and was adorable. Kathy was hilarious, of course. Some of her bits included the Kardashians, Cher, Anderson Cooper, The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Marcus Bachman and Casey Anthony.
Harry (best husband ever) won a contest on Kathy’s blog to meet her between shows! So we hustled around to the back of the theater and then waited in a room backstage with 16 other people for a meet and greet. She only had a few minutes, so she wasn’t signing autographs. She was there just long enough to give hugs and take pictures. She was warm, engaging and super sweet to everyone.
I told her my cheeks still hurt from smiling and she said, “Thanks, that means I’m doing my job.”
She liked my shirt. As you can see we are totally bff!
She had done a bit about how she walks down the street and eyef*cks all the guys, so I asked her to eyef*ck Harry – and she did! I also asked her if she watched Dance Moms, and she said, “Of course.” I should have said something better, but I was an excited mess. Then she was ushered back out the door. It was all a blur and over way too soon. Kathy’s one of those people I would love to sit down and have a long chat with. I LOVE her.
Before the long drive home, Harry and I stopped at The Yardhouse and shared a brownie with ice cream (Diet? What diet?).
Other than briefly shaking James Taylor’s hand before one of his concerts, this was my first celebrity encounter. I couldn’t have asked for a better one!
So – did I not have the best night ever? What would you have said to Kathy? What celebrity would you love to meet? Let me know in the comments!
Welcome one and all to the Friday Five. It’s our weekly Cocky & Rude wrap-up of what’s great this week. This week’s list is full of hairy dudes, stinky things, great movies and weird web videos. But instead of teasing you any more … let’s get started!
First up this week is Natalie Portman’s newborn baby. On Tuesday, the 30-year-old, super-talented and adorable actress welcomed her first child. She had a baby boy … and we at C&R pretty sure that this is the father:
And not this guy: But we look forward to the paternity test to prove us wrong.
Next up this week is Super 8. Lemme just tell you, this movie is Super Great. It’s the perfect mix of a classic Spielberg movie (like E.T., Jaws, or Close Encounters), and the fantastic storytelling of J.J. Abrams. Seriously, after Alias, Lost, the Star Trek reboot, and Super 8, I’ll follow J.J. anywhere he wants to take me.
And when I’m following him, I’ll be wearing flip flops. I may hate weather, but I love wearing flip flops in the summertime. And I’ll wear them anywhere that my feet will take me. They’re not just beach footwear anymore. Restaurants, stores, the office, and anywhere inbetween. I’m flip flopping it. Watch out!
Weiners have been in the news a lot lately, but what about their two cousins, the testicles? And something a lot of guys often experience (not me) is sweaty, stinky balls. The New York Times recently ran an article about all the great new (and humorously named) products that have been designed to tackle this pressing issue (that I’ve never had). And boys, next time you’re feeling a little damp down there, why not use a dash of ‘Man Powder,’ ‘Dry Goods,’ or ‘Dry Down Friction Free Powder.’
And finally this week is an unusual web video. I’m not quite sure what’s going on — just that there’s a bunch of oddly animated clips from The View and a whole lot of “Sextape.” I think this must be what it’s like to do a whole lotta drugs. Please enjoy(?) “SEXTAPE – ‘The View’ Remix” …
The Baby Portman, Super 8, flip flops, sweaty balls and that creepy weird ‘Sextape’ video — those are my five favorites of the week. Runners up this week include: New York, Ray Lamontagne, eating food, sleeping, roasted red pepper hummus and hardcore gay porn. What are your five favorites of the week?
Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll introduce our fighters. We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
Full Name: Thomas Jeffrey Hanks
Date of Birth: July 9, 1956 (age 54)
Place of Birth: Concord, California, U.S.
Current Residence: Beverly Hills, California, U.S.
Relationship Status: Married to Rita Wilson (1988–present)
Children: Colin, Elizabeth, Chester, Truman
Occupation: Actor, producer, director, voice over artist, writer, speaker
Top Grossing Projects: Hanks is ranked the highest all time box office star with over $3.639 billion total box office gross, an average of $107 million per film. He has been involved with seventeen films that grossed over $100 million at the worldwide box office. The highest grossing film he has starred in is 2010’s Toy Story 3.
Political Affiliation: Democrat
Famous Role: Andrew Beckett in Philadelphia, the title role in Forrest Gump, Commander James A. Lovell in Apollo 13, Captain John H. Miller in Saving Private Ryan, Joe Fox in You’ve Got Mail, Chuck Noland in Cast Away, and voicing the character Woody in the Toy Story series.
Favorite curse word: “Horseshit, not bullshit, that is a very different word, horseshit is a very specific thing”
It’s no exaggeration to say that Tom Hanks is one of the most famous men in Hollywood. As an actor, producer, director, writer, voice-over artist and speaker, his film projects have grossed over 3.639 billion dollars. The quintessential nice guy has been nominated five times for an Oscar, and has won twice. Hanks has also distinguished himself from other megastars by staying in the spotlight but out of the tabloids, with a stable off-screen life with his actor wife, Rita Wilson, and their children. Hanks’ secret weapons include kindness, Oscar beatings, a group of powerful friends (including Stephen Spielberg and Ron Howard), prop guns from Saving Private Ryan, exceptional foot speed (see: Forrest Gump) and the ghost of Abraham Lincoln (a distant relative).
AKA / Alias: Tim, Flinker, Big Pimpin’ Flink
Date of Birth: 4/30/1973 (A Monday, meaning I’m fair of face)
Place of Birth: St. Vincent’s Hospital, Greenwich Village, NYC (now closed)
Current Residence: Mamaroneck, NY
Relationship Status: Involuntarily Single
Occupation: Certified English and Special Education Teacher; Taxi Dispatcher; Wit and Raconteur
Salary: Far less than is currently needed to sustain my Vanderbilt levels of spending.
Height & Weight: 6 Feet 0 Inches; 188lbs and dropping
Hobbies: Movies, Lamenting the lack of romance in my life, Pointing out the faults of others. Breathing, Air Hockey
Favorite Movies:The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Clue, Annie Hall, Laura, Safety Last, Le Fils, Hellphone
Top Grossing Projects: $50 on that scratch-off lottery ticket. Stoners was accepted into a few film festivals.
Political Affiliation: Registered Independent
Famous Role: I appeared as ‘Flinker’ in the Documentary, Stoners
Famous Catch Phrases: “Don’t fuck with Flink” “Sorry, you can’t pass. Next time, try actually doing some work.”
Secret Weapons: The power to charm others with my innocence and naivete. The power to self-preserve myself over others.
Fan Favorite, FDot, is a worthy opponent for Tom Hanks. Here’s his story, in his own words: “Found abandoned in a hallway of a Greenwich Village hospital, I was raised by the Mole People of NYC until I was 6. Sent out on a quest to gather scraps of food from high end restaurants, I was discovered by a middle-aged couple and taken to live in the suburbs. The rest of my formative years were spent in Catholic grammar and high schools. I entered the teaching profession as a way to hang on to my youth, a youth that keeps me looking much younger than my physical age. My days are spent hanging up on telemarketers while my nights are spent looking for a social life. I once ran over a squirrel with my car. I enjoy listening to music with the sound turned off. I believe in unexplained phenomena and the spirit world, as some spirits owe me money. I have been known on occasion to eat food, especially if someone else is paying. Mostly, I stay quiet in the background and observe, waiting for the perfect moment to arrive.” FDot’s secret weapons include: “the power to charm others with my innocence and naivete and the power to self-preserve myself over others.”
Who will win in the battle of Fan Favorite vs. Fan Favorite? Both contestants are the beloved by the world … but there can only be one winner. Will Hanks drop his nice-guy persona and smash FDot over the head with one of his Oscars? Or will FDot blind Hanks with the burning glow of his innocence before sneaking in for the kill? There’s only one rational way to decide which fighter will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want.That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to FDot & Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!