Tag Archives: Natalie Portman

The Cocky Chronicles 1.11

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It’s The Cocky & Rude Match Game!

Continue reading It’s The Cocky & Rude Match Game!

What Were They Thinking?!

It’s been a little over a year since the great Puntabulous Pool Party of 2010.  Wanna take a swim down memory lane?  check out our party recaps from last year.  And in honor of last year’s epic shindig, here’s a What Where They Thinking?! from last summer…

What were Natalie Portman and Harry M. thinking?!
Leave your thoughts in the comments!

Submit your potential What Were They Thinking?! photos to:

It’s The Friday Five!

Welcome one and all to the Friday Five.  It’s our weekly Cocky & Rude wrap-up of what’s great this week.  This week’s list is full of hairy dudes, stinky things, great movies and weird web videos.  But instead of teasing you any more … let’s get started!

First up this week is Natalie Portman’s newborn baby. On Tuesday, the 30-year-old, super-talented and adorable actress welcomed her first child. She had a baby boy … and we at C&R pretty sure that this is the father:

And not this guy:
But we look forward to the paternity test to prove us wrong.

Next up this week is Super 8.  Lemme just tell you, this movie is Super Great.  It’s the perfect mix of a classic Spielberg movie (like E.T., Jaws, or Close Encounters), and the fantastic storytelling of J.J. Abrams.  Seriously, after Alias, Lost, the Star Trek reboot, and Super 8, I’ll follow J.J. anywhere he wants to take me.

And when I’m following him, I’ll be wearing flip flops.  I may hate weather, but I love wearing flip flops in the summertime.  And I’ll wear them anywhere that my feet will take me.  They’re not just beach footwear anymore.  Restaurants, stores, the office, and anywhere inbetween.  I’m flip flopping it.  Watch out!

Weiners have been in the news a lot lately, but what about their two cousins, the testicles?  And something a lot of guys often experience (not me) is sweaty, stinky balls.  The New York Times recently ran an article about all the great new (and humorously named) products that have been designed to tackle this pressing issue (that I’ve never had).  And boys, next time you’re feeling a little damp down there, why not use a dash of ‘Man Powder,’ ‘Dry Goods,’ or ‘Dry Down Friction Free Powder.’

And finally this week is an unusual web video.  I’m not quite sure what’s going on — just that there’s a bunch of oddly animated clips from The View and a whole lot of “Sextape.”  I think this must be what it’s like to do a whole lotta drugs.  Please enjoy(?) “SEXTAPE – ‘The View’ Remix” …

The Baby Portman, Super 8, flip flops, sweaty balls and that creepy weird ‘Sextape’ video — those are my five favorites of the week.  Runners up this week include: New York, Ray Lamontagne, eating food, sleeping, roasted red pepper hummus and hardcore gay porn.  What are your five favorites of the week?

C&R Fight Club: CRAIG vs. KIRK!

Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club!  The rules to the game are simple.  Each week we’ll introduce our fighters.  We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses.  Then we’ll put the results to vote.  You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…

James Tiberius Kirk

Also Known As: Jim
Species: Human
Date of Birth: March 22, 2233
Place of Birth: Riverside, Iowa, Earth
Residence: Space, the final frontier
Rank: Star Fleet Captain, Admiral
Posting: Commanding officer, USS Enterprise & USS Enterprise-A
Hairline: Always receding
Weight: Always increasing

Arguably the most famous of the Starfleet Captains, the character of James T. Kirk first appeared in the original series of Star Trek, and later in films, books, comics and video games.  Kirk is known as an accomplished brawler and a ladies’ man.  He has been portrayed primarily by William Shatner and more recently by Chris Pine.  Kirk’s renown began by becoming the youngest captain in Starfleet to date at 34 and the first captain to bring his starship back relatively intact after a five-year mission, having also gained a reputation as an independent whose success couldn’t be argued even though he often bucked the system. He also has the distinction of being involved in 17 different temporal violations, a career record which still stands.

Craig Andrew M.

Alias: Bonkers, Craiggers
Species: Homo Superior
Date of Birth: November 8, 1981
Age: 29
Place of Birth: “His Mom”
Residence: East Islip, NY
Relationship Status: In a relationship with Natalie Portman, “his wife”
Occupation: Butch Construction Worker, Puntabulous.com Blogger
Weight: “Skinnier than you”

Arguably the most famous blogger on the Internet, Craig M. takes his fame in stride.  His blog, Puntabulous.com boasts a loyal band of readers, informally known as “Puntabupeeps” and “dancing monkeys.”  A self-proclaimed geek, Craig splits his time between blogging, writing (unpublished) novels, reading Star Wars novelizations, watching way too much television, and his true passion: intensely watching lots and lots of Internet pornography.  Craig looks forward to soon moving out of his parent’s house with “his wife” Natalie Portman (a cardboard cutout). We’ve never seen any evidence that Craig can handle himself in a fight, but after intense mathematical calculations, we at Cocky & Rude are predicting a 87% probability that he’ll just run away.

Picture in your mind a battle of these two worthy opponents. Both enter the ring, but only one will leave. Will Craig defeat Captain Kirk by bashing him over the head with his mythical puntabuschlong? Or perhaps Captain Kirk will whip out a phaser and blast the puntabuschlong right off? That’s for you to decide. Who will win in this battle of Captain versus Craig? We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent!

We’ll let you know which fighter wins this round of Cocky & Rude Fight Club on Sunday at noon!

EXPOSED: The Truth About Craig

Most of you think that Craig (the occasional Puntabulous blogger) is a really nice guy.  He’s always hamming it up with his girlfriend Natalie, telling you why Captain Picard is cooler than Han Solo and having you guess how much change is in his bathroom jar.  But I know the truth!


And lately — completely unprovoked! — he’s been sending me these sketches to lower my self esteem.

I thought that you should all know the truth.  Craig is an AWFUL person!
And I’ve never been anything but nice to the boy!  Short of a restraining order, what can I do?
Is there anything I can do to stop this abuse?