Tag Archives: Lick

How To Get Super Ripped So Everyone Wants To Have Sex With You!

I was paging through the latest issue of Details magazine and I don’t know why, but this article caught my eye.

exercise

It’s all about The Six Fastest Ways To Get Ripped; which are (1) pull-ups, (2) bench presses, (3) squats, (4) farmers walks*, (5) military presses* and (6) deadlifts*. BUT I DISAGREE! That list is complete bullshit.

exercise2

Here’s my list of The Fastest 6 Ways to Get Ripped:

1. Have good genes.
2. Exercise 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

exercise3

3. Take lots of steroids.
4. Never eat anything that tastes good.

exercise4

5. When the photographer comes, make sure you’re super tan, dehydrated, and covered in oil.
6. Make sure that they Photoshop the crap out of you so you look perfect!

CONGRATULATIONS! Now you are super ripped and everyone wants to have sex with you!

*You may be wondering WTF farmers walks, military presses and deadlifts are. I have no idea. If I had actually read the article, I could probably tell you.


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True Confessions


Sports are Stupid! Here’s 50 Things To Do Instead of Watching the Super Bowl…

1. Clip your toenails.
2. Organize your grocery store coupons.
3. Admire Polt’s ass.
4. Twiddle your thumbs.
5. Stare at the wall.

6. Watch the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet.
7. Read a book.
8. Watch The Notebook to balance out the world.
9. Organize a box of Fruit Loops by color.
10. Call all your butch friends who are watching the Super Bowl, just to chat.

11. Roll pennies.
12. Watch paint dry.
13. Clean out your closet.
14. Stuff everything that you took out of your closet into another closet.
15. Alphabetize your DVDs.

16. Comb your back hair.
17. Go shopping.
18. Clean out your refrigerator.
19. Replace the batteries in your smoke detectors.
20. Clean the dead bugs out of your ceiling lamps.

21. Make sure that everything hanging in your home is perfectly level.
22. Tweeze your eyebrows.
23. Catch up on Glee.
24. Look up naked women on the Internet and ponder why vaginas are just so damn disgusting.
25. Actually read one of those m/m short stories that Tam is always reviewing.

26. Masturbate.
27. Watch grass grow.
28. Play solitaire.
29. Add hundreds of pointless life events to your Facebook timeline.
30. Organize your porn.

31. Prune your pubes.
32. Microwave random things until they explode.
33. Perfect a foreign accent.
34. Plot world domination.
35. Perform an interpretive dance of LMFAO‘s I’m Sexy and I Know It.

36. Bake and decorate a cake.
37. Plan your future wedding.
38. Go grocery shopping (the store will be EMPTY).
39. Re-read every C&R post and comment on all of them.
40. Actually visit Our T.V. Night (because no one ever does).

41. Build a sex machine.
42. Nap.
43. Compose a C&R guest post and email it to Adam.
44. Learn the beautiful art of flower arraigning.
45. Drink alcohol until you pass out.

46. Lick the black mold that’s growing on your bathroom wall.
47. Clean your house.
48. Exercise.
49. Go see a movie.
50. Dream up 50 more things that you could do instead of watching the Super Bowl.

Special thanks to Mikey and Craig for their assistance with this post.

It’s the 2011 Lifetime Achievement Cocky Award!

Before we bid farewell to the 2011 Cocky Awards, we have one final award to hand out.  Today, on the dawn of 2012, let’s join together to appreciate our final award recipient.

The 2011  Lifetime Achievement Cocky Award winner is none other than … POLT’S ASS!

With this award, we at Cocky & Rude pledge to always appreciate its nakedness, whiteness and utter flatness.  Thought it is true that Polt’s ass has been the butt of many jokes here at Cocky & Rude, we also acknowledge that as bloggers, we respect and admire everything about it.  And fear not — just because Polt’s ass has earned the 2011 Lifetime Achievement Cocky Award DOES NOT MEAN that we will retire the image in any way.  We at C&R will strive to do Polt’s ass justice as we move forward into the future.  Congratulations: Polt’s Ass.  You truly earned it.

Now please stand as the 2011 Lifetime Achievement Cocky Award runner-up, Rebecca Black, performs an original composition to the tune of her smash single, Friday, entitled: Polt’s Ass.


POLT’S ASS   (written by Adam, performed by Rebecca Black & Friends)

















Congratulations to Polt’s ass and all of the 2011 Cocky Award winners!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The Twelve Days of Whatever

On the first day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – a parakeet in a pear tree.

On the second day of Whatever, my true love gave to me –
two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.



On the third day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – three more polls,
two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.

On the fourth day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – four Mikeys licking, three more polls,
two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.

On the fifth day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – five naked asses… four Mikeys licking, three more polls, two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.

On the sixth day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – six poos a ploppin’, five naked asses…
four Mikeys licking, three more polls, two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.

On the seventh day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – seven schlongs a swingin’,
six poos a ploppin’, five naked asses… four Mikeys licking, three more polls,
two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.

On the eighth day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – Eight Tams a riding,
seven schlongs a swingin’, six poos a ploppin, five naked asses…
four Mikeys licking, three more polls, two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.

On the ninth day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – Nine commenters commenting,
eight Tams a riding, seven schlongs a swingin’, six poos a ploppin’, five naked asses…
four Mikeys licking, three more polls, two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.

On the tenth day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – Ten armless Adams,
nine commenters commenting, eight Tams a riding, seven schlongs a swingin’,
six poos a ploppin’, five naked asses… four Mikeys licking, three more polls,
two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.

On the eleventh day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – Eleven pissy puddles, ten armless Adams, nine commenter commenting, eight Tams a riding, seven schlongs a swingin’, six poos a ploppin’,
five naked asses… four Mikeys licking, three more polls, two puntabupedes
and a parakeet in a pear tree.

On the twelfth day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – Twelve boxers boxing, eleven pissy puddles, ten armless Adams, nine commenters commenting, eight Tams a riding, seven schlongs a swingin’,
six poos a ploppin’, five naked asses… four Mikeys licking, three more polls, two puntabupedes
and a parakeet in a pear tree.

Happy holidays to my C&R family!

It’s the 2011 Cocky Awards!

It’s the end of 2011, and than can only mean one thing: it’s time for the 2011 Cocky Awards! This year’s awards will be determined solely by your votes.  Each week, C&R will present you with a few categories.  Each week, you’ll place your vote before the polls close at approximately 12:00 Noon (EST) each Friday.  Then each weekend, we’ll revel the latest winners.


Earlier this week, you voted on the first three categories of the 2011 Cocky Awards.  They were: Favorite 2011 Michelle M. Monday Post, Favorite 2011 C&R Post and Favorite 2011 C&R Guest Post. Here are the results!

The award for Favorite 2011 Michelle M. Monday Post goes to…
MICHELLE M. for The Taco Bell Challenge!

Links to posts: The CONAN Show, Get Your Hair Did, Happy Birthday Craig, Inside the C&R Studio, & The Taco Bell Challenge!


The award for Favorite 2011 C&R Post goes to…
MICHELLE M. for Happy Birthday Polt!

Links to posts: The CONAN Show, Get Your Hair Did, Happy Birthday Craig, Inside the C&R Studio, & The Taco Bell Challenge!


The award for Favorite 2011 C&R Guest Post goes to…
CRAIG for Mr. Sombrero, Won’t You Be Mine?

Links to posts: Craig’s Friday Five, Have You Ever… Been a Music N3rd?!, Mikey Likes to Lick, Mr. Sombrero, Won’t You Be Mine?, & The Piss Puddle Game


Congratulations to the first Cocky Award winners of 2011:
Michelle M.
and Craig!

The 2011 Cocky Awards continue next week!

It’s the 2011 Cocky Awards!

It’s the end of 2011, and than can only mean one thing: it’s time for the 2011 Cocky Awards! This year’s awards will be determined solely by your votes.  Each week, C&R will present you with a few categories.  Each week, you’ll place your vote before the polls close at approximately 12:00 Noon (EST) each Friday.  Then each weekend, we’ll revel the latest winners.  Let’s get started!


THIS WEEK’S CATEGORIES ARE:

Favorite 2011 Michelle M. Monday Post

Favorite 2011 C&R Post

Favorite 2011 C&R Guest Post


Links to posts: The CONAN Show, Get Your Hair Did, Happy Birthday Craig, Inside the C&R Studio, & The Taco Bell Challenge!


Links to posts: 10 Reasons Why Vaginas Are Gross, 10 Theories About Craig’s Sick Dick, Happy Birthday Polt, How To Make Cheesy Blasters, & The Taco Bell Challenge!


Links to posts: Craig’s Friday Five, Have You Ever… Been a Music N3rd?!, Mikey Likes to Lick, Mr. Sombrero, Won’t You Be Mine?, & The Piss Puddle Game