Tag Archives: kitchen

NSFW: Have You Ever… ?!

Did you know that May is National Masturbation Month? I didn’t either … but Tam told me! Before you go celebrate … how about a quick Have You Ever Quiz?

The rules are simple: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.

Have You Ever… Masturbated?!

1. Have you ever masturbated?
2. Have you never masturbated?
3. Have you ever masturbated while looking at pornography?
4. Have you ever masturbated while looking at National Geographic magazine?
5. Have you ever masturbated in front of a computer?
6. Have you ever masturbated while watching the news?
7. Have you ever masturbated in a shower?
8. Have you ever masturbated in a bathroom?
9. Have you ever masturbated in a bed?
10. Have you ever masturbated in a bath tub?
11. Have you ever masturbated in a kitchen?
12. Have you ever masturbated in public restroom?
13. Have you ever masturbated in a car?
14. Have you ever masturbated into a sock (or other article of clothing)?
15. Have you ever masturbated into a toilet?
16. Have you ever masturbated into a tissue or paper towel?
17. Have you ever masturbated while using a sex toy?
18. Have you ever masturbated in a moving vehicle?
19. Have you ever masturbated while at work?
20. Have you ever masturbated in a movie theater?
21. Have you ever masturbated at a strip club (or similar location)?
22. Have you ever masturbated on camera?
23. Have you ever masturbated with or in front of another person?
24. Have you ever masturbated with or in front of 2+ people?
25. Have you ever masturbated in your neighbor’s shed?

Now finish spanking your monkey and tell us the total in the comments!


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Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3: Week 3

Our second week is complete! Today our contestants celebrate two weeks into the cockiest and rudest weight loss competition evahhhh! It’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3!

Diet is an important part of every weight-loss regimen. This week, the contestants were invited to tell us how they’ve changed their diet to help attain their weight-loss goals. Here’s what they said:


Michelle M.
My diet this past week has pretty much consisted of cough drops, orange juice and ginger ale. If I could keep this up, I would reach my goal weight in no time at all. When I’m feeling better, though, I’ll be cutting out the junk food and trying not to eat after 8pm.


Ryan
My diet hasn’t changed much because I never went back to my old diet after last year. My current calorie budget is around 1800 calories from a balanced mix of carbs, protein, and fat. Like last year, oatmeal with raisins is my breakfast. Lately, I have been experimenting with dishes that combine beans and pineapple.


Tam
Yes, this picture represents my “diet” for the past week. Gotta love being on a work trip. Ugh. So I’ve only been back 3 days really, back on the “wagon”, the starvation wagon. Next week be better. Swear. I bought all the stuff to make salad for my work lunch. I like salad, I’m just to lazy to prepare it. I also have banned any ice-cream in my house that I would like to eat. No temptation. Lately I’ve been craving sweet things, so I stocked up on my fave black seedless grapes and pineapple so hopefully when I get the craving for cake, those will suffice. Now that I’m home and can determine how things are cooked I think it will be easy to be careful. I think according to Spark people I eat about 1300 – 1500 calories a day. I’m usually at the low end if I pay attention and am not at the muffin/beer buffet. Hey, but at least I’m not up. Go me.


TwoPi
I love to cook. It is a central piece of who I am, one of my favorite recreational activities. Whatever dietary changes I put in place now need to be ones I can sustain for the long haul. So for the most part, I’m unwilling to change my diet, my cooking habits, although I am working toward incorporating more green vegetables and less protein, less fat, into the choices I make. The primary change in my diet isn’t what I’m eating, but how much I’m eating. I’m trying to be conscious of portion sizes, of not taking seconds, of not snacking out of boredom. (I love numbers, but I’m not counting calories.) No doubt the scale shows that I’m making modest progress at best, but in all honesty I’m not worried about losing the most weight in BC&RL3, I more concerned with being able to keep the weight off while still feeling satisfied in the kitchen and dining room.


Polt
So this week, we’re supposed to talk about how our diet’s changed. Mine…hasn’t. Although, come to think of it, I have been eating a lot of Cheetos lately. That shouldn’t be a problem, I mean they’re just cheesey-powder covered air anyway, right? And air has no calories, right? So, yeah, this is a good thing in my opinion.


Mikey
My diet has changed moderately so far. I’m working to cut back on fried foods and unnecessary sugars (like tonic….sure club soda is really boring, but so many fewer calories!). I never count calories, only cocktails, of which there have been few since I am sick with bronchitis and I shouldn’t even be writing this thing. The upside to being sick is that I’m losing weight by not doing much. That’s awesome.


Adam
This week, like many of the other BC&RL3-ers, I was plagued by illness. A splitting migraine and a 4-5 days of nausea left me without much in my belly. My diet (now that I have recovered) will consist of healthy meals and no snacking. I usually eat very healthy meals, but I’m awful at maintaining my diet once the sun goes down. Cookies, chips, pretzels and candy are the salty and sweet nightly demons that make me fat. But no more!


Mr. Sombrero
I have to admit that I haven’t given much thought to the diet factor of this challenge. Nutritionally my diet is pretty good but my biggest enemies are peanut butter and quesadillas. That will be the toughest part, scaling down on those yummy monsters. And the fact that Adam just gave me his quesadilla maker is not making it any easier to get on track… Now that I think about it, he might be trying to sabotage me… [insert gasp and dramatic telenovela music here]


And now, the week’s results:

Stay tuned each Thursday for the stunning weight-loss success stories of our eight contestants. Who will win this year’s competition? Find out on May 31st … just in time for bikini season!

The (not) Friday Five!


Every Friday either Adam or Mikey shares his five favorite things of the week. But why should they have all the fun? Here is my list of what was awesome this week:


1. Anna and Kristina’s Grocery Bag
I discovered this show on OWN (thanks Oprah!). They are showing all 3 seasons and I am currently having an A&K marathon. Anna and Kristina’s Grocery Bag is a cooking show where the hosts review popular cookbooks by cooking some of the recipes within. They also give tips about food and preparation as well as testing ingredients and cooking equipment. At the end of their cooktime they invite a chef over to taste and critique. I love when the chefs taste their food (or just look at it) and crack up. Anna and Kristina make me laugh – I would love to hang out with them. Plus – they’re Canadian*! They often (always) make mistakes (either their own or through the fault of the cookbook). Anyone who’s ever had a disaster in the kitchen can relate.

*Tam, Kristen and Nathan – why didn’t you tell me about this awesome show??


2. Unrecognizable actors
I just watched I Love You Phillip Morris – the movie was amusing (and based on a true story). When watching the credits at the end, I was dumbfounded that the character of Jim Carrey’s lover was played by Ewan McGregor. I didn’t even recognize him! I feel he really disappeared in this role. I don’t see this often (Tom Cruise is always Tom Cruise, Jack Nicholson is always Jack Nicholson, Jennifer Aniston – well, you get it). So props to Ewan for being such a great chameleon.


3. vuboq’s cherry drink
I think of vuboq as the “queen of cocktails.” So, when I saw this drink on his blog, I just knew I had to try it.

Cherry Caipirissima (from the NYT’s article on simple summer cocktails)
3 cherries, pitted and halved
3/4 oz simple syrup (vuboq used Rose’s Lime Stuff)
2 lime wedges
2 oz of white rum
6 ice cubes

In a cocktail shaker, muddle the cherries and lime wedges with the syrup. Add the rum and ice cubes. Shake like the dickens. And pour into a rocks glass.

*I didn’t have cherries or limes, so I used strawberries and lemons. And I used vodka instead of rum. And I was too lazy to make simple syrup, so I substituted lemonade. It was super delicious! Thanks vuboq!

4. Asian kids!
They sing! They dance! They play musical instruments! They’re adorable and I can’t get enough. And Tam says they’re only $20,000. I better start saving up! (do I get my money back if they can’t sing or dance?) This little cutie is so talented he makes Crocs look good.


5. Me!
Thanks to being a Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser loser, I finally weigh enough to donate blood! Soon, some unfortunate soul will receive an infusion of AWESOME. And maybe now I’ll get into heaven!

This week’s runners up include: The premiere of Project Runway and all the other reality tv I’m watching, and that’s about it. I need a life.

Have You Ever … Had Sex?!

Sex, copulation, coupling, fornication, mating, relations, banging, screwing, shagging, hanky panky, funny business, making whoopee … and fu¢k!ng. The Kinsey Institute says that “By their late teenage years, at least 3/4 of all men and women have had intercourse, and more than 2/3 of all sexually experienced teens have had 2 or more partners.”  And since most of us have done the deed by now … today we’re going to talk about where we’ve done it.  You know the rules: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.

Have You Ever?!

1. Have you ever had sex?
2. Have you ever had sex in a bed?
3. Have you ever had sex in a hotel room?
4. Have you ever had sex on the floor?
5. Have you ever had sex in a kitchen?
6. Have you ever had sex in a closet?
7. Have you ever had sex in a bathroom?
8. Have you ever had sex in a basement?
9. Have you ever had sex in an attic?
10. Have you ever had sex in an office?
11. Have you ever had sex in a friend’s house?
12. Have you ever had sex in a store?
13. Have you ever had sex in a movie theater?
14. Have you ever had sex at an amusement park?
15. Have you ever had sex at a bar?
16. Have you ever had sex in a restaurant?
17. Have you ever had sex in a school?
18. Have you ever had sex in a swimming pool?
19. Have you ever had sex on a beach?
20. Have you ever had sex in a tent?
21. Have you ever had sex outside?
22. Have you ever had sex in a car?
23. Have you ever had sex on a boat?
24. Have you ever had sex on a bus?
25. Have you ever had sex in an airplane?
26. Have you ever had sex in a camper or RV?
27. Have you ever had sex on a train?
28. Have you ever had sex at a park?
29. Have you ever had sex in a parking lot?
30. Have you ever had sex in the sleeper cab of an 18-wheeler truck?

Tell us the truth.  Come all over the place clean.
Tell us your total in the comments!

Long Weekend, Photo Explosion!

I’ve spent the last four days in a constant state of motion.  On Thursday and Friday, I took vacation days from work and met two of my real-world BFFs in the Lancaster, PA area.  One of my BFFs is getting married in a few weeks, so she decided that she wanted to live it up and get wild … in Amish country.  Then on Saturday, Mr. Sombrero and I spent the day in New York City, where we checked out two Tribeca Film Festival movies.  And finally on Sunday, it was a morning of Easter Zombie Jesus Day festivities with my family and then an afternoon of relaxing spring cleaning! Here’s some photos from my crazy weekend:

Wednesday night I spent 45 minutes at the self-service car wash, vacuuming up every spec of dirt, dust and sand on the inside and scrubbing away all of the dirt on the outside of my car.  Thursday morning I was greeted by a dozen blobs of avian diarrhea on its hood and roof.  Ugh.  (That’s my landlord’s truck and half-dead bush in the background.)

Not too far from Lancaster is Adamstown, PA.  That’s where I found Adam’s Antiques!  I never knew that I had an antique store … but with my never-ending energy and obsessive work ethic, it doesn’t surprise me that my antique store is open 7 days a week.

In another antique shop I discovered this super-creepy Donny & Marie costume (I bet that every kid wanted one of these!).  I was a little surprised that the manufacturer chose not to go with the more common phrase, “flame retardant” and instead chose to use … that other word.  (click photo to enlarge)

On the second day of our trip, my friends and I visited Intercourse, PA.  Here’s a photo of me making a duckface next to the sign.

The word “Intercourse” just makes everything funny!

Here’s just one of the many horse and buggies that got in my way as I was trying to speed down the streets of Intercourse in my shit-covered car.

When I finally got home on Friday, I was greeted by Spring and her three perfect pee pee puddles.  Is it weird that I took a picture of this?  Yes, yes it is.

While I was snapping photos of urine clumps on Friday, Mr. Sombrero attended a Tribeca Film Festival screening of Angels Crest, which starred Kate Walsh (she used to be on Grey’s Anatomy, but now she’s on that other show), Jeremy Piven (I loved him when he was on Ellen, but now he’s just a douche), Mira Sorvino (meh) and Thomas Dekker (John Connor in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles AND he was gay and then not gay and then gay again or something like that … on Heroes).  Here’s a shot of the stars on stage during the post-movie Q&A session.  (click photo to enlarge)

On Saturday, I joined him at the festival where we attended screenings of Gone and Point Blank.

Here’s Kathy Gilleran, the subject and voice of Gone.

From the TribecaFilm.com: This gripping confessional documentary becomes an outlet for a mother to tell the heartrending story of her search for her missing son. Kathy Gilleran, a retired police officer from Ithaca, New York with 20 years under her belt, received a phone call on October 31, 2007. It was from the UN Industrial Development Organization in Vienna, Austria, where her 34-year-old son, Aeryn, was working. He had disappeared.  In Gone, Gilleran shares her personal journey, putting together pieces of what happened, only to have them fall apart again. Talking directly to the camera for most of the film, her articulate manner draws the viewer into her quest for the truth. Mixing in footage she shot while searching for Aeryn in Vienna, she speaks about the frustration with the local police and an investigation full of holes. Like any loving mother, Kathy perseveres—through dead ends, contradicting reports, and signs of homophobia when Aeryn’s openly gay life came into question. Gone will most likely leave many wanting more answers—the same answers Kathy wants.

I was SO jealous that Mr. Sombrero saw famous people without me on Friday… so my eyes were peeled all day.  I may have had stars in my eyes, but I think I saw Connor Paolo (Serena’s gay little bro on Gossip Girl) on the subway and I think I passed Hamish Linklater (the Julia Louis-Dreyfus character’s brother on The New Adventures of Old Christine) in a crowd of people outside our second screening.  Oh, and a member of the festival’s jury, J.D. Heyman sat next to me during the first screening — I googled him, and it looks like he’s a managing editor for People magazine.

Mr. Sombrero insisted upon snapping my photo next to this “I’m Shady” poster.

And I insisted upon him snapping a photo of me tongue kissing one of the sexiest ladies ever: Madea.  Check out my impressive tongue length!

And here’s a photo of an adorable little subway rat!  I called to it, but it refused to come any closer to me.

On Sunday, in celebration of Zombie Jesus Day, I decided to snap a few photos of the pretty flowers that are growing all over my landlord’s property.

I think that this is a daffodil or something.

This one’s a ginger.

And then I decided that it’d be a good idea to clean out the giant closet in my kitchen.  Most people would probably use it as a pantry or something, but I use it more like a shed.  It’s where I store my bike, my tools (I’m handy!), my window-unit air conditioners, computer parts & wires, and some other odds and ends.  This photo would be far more impressive if I had taken a ‘before’ photo …

…but you’ll just have to use your imagination.  Imagine this heap of paper & cardboard recycling in assembled-box-form, filling the entire closet.  Or maybe you can’t even see my mountain of cardboard because you’re blinded by my wallpaper (which is still ugly).  Either way, just believe me that it was a disaster.  And now it’s organized!  Yay!

So that was my way-too-busy 4-day weekend.  What’d you do?

My Ugly Paper Walls

As I’m sure I’ve mentioned, I moved into a new apartment a couple weeks ago.  In rural Ringoes, NJ, many of the apartments are located within converted old homes and farmhouses.  The house that contains my apartment was built around 1880, and once served as a hospital.  About 20 years ago it was slightly modernized and converted into three apartments.  The “modernization” included the installation of peachy/orange/pinkish carpeting and lots of wallpaper.  Ew!  But hey, the rent is cheap.

I’ve solved the problem of awful carpeting by strategically placing area rugs around the apartment.  The kitchen wallpaper is a little more tricky.  My landlord told me that I’m welcome to remove the wallpaper and paint.  But when I move out of this place, I’ll have to re-wallpaper the kitchen.  It’s a lazy landlord thing.  If the room is wallpapered, then you don’t have to repaint it before the next tenant moves in.  I guess the smartest, cheapest and easiest thing to do would be to just keep the current wallpaper.  But look at this stuff!

Raspberries, blueberries, strawberries, orange plums, leaves and flowers… all growing on the same magical vine.  And there’s a border print.  Is this not the ugliest wallpaper you’ve ever seen?!  Every time I look at it, I just want to dig my fingernails into it and tear it to shreds.  This ugly crap needs to go.

(also pictured: fuse box, thermostat and electrical outlet)

So what should I do?  Leave it alone?  Tear it down and paint (and re-wallpaper later)?  Tear it down and wallpaper now?  Or just burn this old house to the ground and move on?  Help me!