Before we bid farewell to the 2011 Cocky Awards, we have one final award to hand out. Today, on the dawn of 2012, let’s join together to appreciate our final award recipient.
The 2011 Lifetime Achievement Cocky Award winner is none other than … POLT’S ASS!
With this award, we at Cocky & Rude pledge to always appreciate its nakedness, whiteness and utter flatness. Thought it is true that Polt’s ass has been the butt of many jokes here at Cocky & Rude, we also acknowledge that as bloggers, we respect and admire everything about it. And fear not — just because Polt’s ass has earned the 2011 Lifetime Achievement Cocky Award DOES NOT MEAN that we will retire the image in any way. We at C&R will strive to do Polt’s ass justice as we move forward into the future. Congratulations: Polt’s Ass. You truly earned it.
Now please stand as the 2011 Lifetime Achievement Cocky Award runner-up, Rebecca Black, performs an original composition to the tune of her smash single, Friday, entitled: Polt’s Ass.
POLT’S ASS (written by Adam, performed by Rebecca Black & Friends)
Congratulations to Polt’s ass and all of the 2011 Cocky Award winners!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Have you ever daydreamed about being a famous star? Money, adulation, magazine covers, swag, critical acclaim, limos, red carpets, awards, casting couches, stalkers, plastic surgery, paparazzi, rehab – it all sounds so glamorous! But all this means nothing unless you’re invited to appear on Inside the Actor’s Studio. Well, just in case you hit it big and have to face James Lipton and his enormous stack of blue index cards, you should be prepared. So I asked you to answer the questions* that are always asked at the end of the show. Here are your answers:
*The questionnaire concept was originated by French personality Bernard Pivot, after the Proust questionnaire.
What is your favorite word?
Mark: Anthrax (love the syllables)
David G.: Door. I couldn’t possibly tell you why.
Polt: Eighteen…cause then, all the boys are legal : ).
Mel: Most days it’s “fuck”.
Michelle M.: Silver
The Kid: Disrupting or fabulous
What is your least favorite word?
Tam: The c-word. Can’t write it. HATE IT.
Mark: like (when not used as a verb)
David G.: Urinal. I can’t even type it without feeling icky.
Polt: I dont know sweetie…work? Boss? Gone? Yeah, Gone may be it, not for the word itself so much, but for what it can entail.
Adam: The r-word
Michelle M.: Ma’am
Enrico: The three-letter f word
The Kid: Moist
What turns you on?
David G.: A really good kiss.
Polt: Younger guys. Asians. Hairthings. Younger Asian guys with hairthings! Oh, and Craiggers in a purple speedo. (did you really need to ask me this question?) : )
Craig: Chest hair
Jere: Feeling sexy in someone else’s eyes.
Mel: Nice eyes
Michelle M.: A sense of humor
John: Intelligence (and a hot ass).
VUBOQ: This may be weird, but the smell of some soaps on guys. Colognes, not so much.
Mikey: Honesty and a sense of humor
The Kid: A man in a suit
Ryan: Short hair
What turns you off?
Mark: Loud brash voices
David G.: A really bad kiss.
Polt: Attitude. Someone who thinks they are more than they are or better than they are. Yeah, that’s a deal breaker right there.
Craig: Long fingernails
Jere: Lots of things, but I’ll start with the use of any body fluid used for sexytime other than semen.
Mel: Bad breath
Adam: when I’m taken for granted.
Michelle M.: Ignorance
Mikey: Liars and bad smells
Nathan: Facial hair!
FDot: Annoying people
The Kid: Dreadlocks
Paul: Sweat dripping in my eyes
Ryan: Smart phone addiction
What sound or noise do you love?
Tam: Wind in the trees rustling the leaves (not the willows)
Mark: A sustained note on a slightly distorted electric guitar
David G: When Typo (one of my cats) meows and yawns at the same time.
Polt: Honestly, a kid laughing! Whether it’s a baby giggling or a 7 year old laughing as he chases his brother. Always makes me smile.
Craig: The woods
Jere: Wind and rain outside my window
Mel: The foghorn on our local lighthouse
Adam: Cat’s purr
Michelle M.: A beautiful piece of music
John: Baby sneezes
VUBOQ: The crunching sound made when I’m walking through fallen Autumn leaves
Mikey: Air conditioning…humming and white noisy
Nathan: Bassoon! If that’s cheating, than the noise that the wind makes when it rustles the trees.
FDot: Ocean waves at night
Enrico: Adele’s voice
The Kid: Food sizzling
Paul: Rain falling on the roof of the house
Ryan: Male vocals harmonizing well
What sound or noise do you hate?
Tam: The sound of a spoon stirring liquefied ice-cream – instant gag reflex
Mark: A child chorus, singing slightly off-key
David G.: Any (and I do mean ANY) repetitive sound. It just grates on my brain.
Polt: My alarm in the morning!
Craig: Screaming children
Jere: Saturday morning labor (lawnmowing, construction, etc., before noon)
Mel: Motorcycles drowning out the foghorn
Adam: My alarm clock
Michelle M.: My alarm clock
John: The alarm clock
VUBOQ: Cardboard being cut
Mikey: Nails on a chalkboard or fire alarms
Nathan: The bird outside my window when I’m trying to sleep.
FDot: Fingernails on a chalkboard
Enrico: The sound of a bird’s beak as it attacks my window (every morning at 5am!)
The Kid: Mosquitos buzzing
Paul: Fran Drescher
Ryan: Squishy sploochy sounds
What is your favorite curse word?
Mark: “Oh MAN!” (Once we had our first child, Heather and I trained ourselves not to curse, and it mostly has worked.)
David G.: Fuck. It is the most versatile word in the English language, after all.
Polt: Fuck. Although if I’m around polite company, I generally just use shit. And if *I* did something stupid, then it’s a hearty “Oh fuck ME!”
Craig: God damn it!
Jere: Justin Bieber’s Hairless Scrote!
Mel: See #1
Michelle M.: f*ck!
Mikey: tit-wank (thank you Catherine Tate)
Nathan: You Gosh Darn C***
Enrico: Avada Kedavra
The Kid: Firetruck
What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Mark: Pro hockey (but I can’t even skate)
David G: Realtor.
Polt: Custom condom fitter? No seriously, if I had my pick, it would be a comic book writer.
Adam: I’d work for Ikea, assembling furniture for displays
Michelle M.: Billionaire
VUBOQ: Professional Potter
Mikey: Filmmaker…I aspire to be Christopher Nolan
Enrico: Personal assistant to a celebrity (maybe Kina or Jojo)
The Kid: Uhh. I’m not employed, but being an astronaut would be fun.
Paul: Professional sugar daddy
What profession would you not like to do?
Tam: Sewer cleaning
David G.: Anything from the show Dirty Jobs.
Polt: Anything that makes me to physical labor outside, especially in the summer. Oh and anything involving heights!
Craig: Call center
Mel: Auto sales
Michelle M.: Soldier
VUBOQ: Anything to do with sewers or plumbing.
Mikey: Cess Pool serviceperson (see above re: smells)
Nathan: Anything where you just stand around and don’t actually DO anything.
The Kid: Eww. A fisherman or exterminator.
Paul: Boy of professional sugar daddy
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
Tam: “Juan and Felipe have your cocktails over there on the left by the pool. Have a nice stay.”
David G.: Girl, you just barely made it.
Polt: What I’d LIKE to hear him say is, “Welcome.” But what he’ll probably say is, “Huh? You? recheck the list!” : )
Craig: “You were a nice person, welcome.”
Jere: “Look, I’m as surprised as you are that I exist, and I know I’ve got a lot to apologize for…”
Mel: “I’m awfully me-damned happy to see you. These other angels are so! fucking! boring!”
Adam: You were right all along, I don’t exist!
Michelle M.: Relax. It’s all good – come on in!
John: We’ve been waiting for you.
VUBOQ: “This way to the Martini Lounge.”
Mikey: You sure tried to piss me off, didn’t you?
FDot: Your family is over there.
Enrico: “Ke$ha is waiting inside for you.”
The Kid: “Follow the white rabbit”
Paul: “Your afterlifetime supply of Entenmann’s and young power bottoms are waiting for you.”
Ryan:You weren’t nearly as selfish as you worried you were.
Need to waste some time at work? Here is a Vanity Fair Proust questionnaire you can take to see which celebrity you have the most in common with. Mine were Barbara Walters and Kirk Douglas.
Ever since we introduced Michelle M. to Paula Deen Riding Things, she’s been obsessed with making her own. She’s even had a couple of her submissions accepted! So when I suggested a similar theme, she jumped at the opportunity. Presenting Michelle M.’s photo series of… Mikey Licking Things.
Sometimes they’re fuzzy, sometimes they’re feathered. Occasionally they’re scaly, slimy or wet. They’re your pets! But, Have You Ever…?! We’re about to find out! The rules are simple. For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments section.
Have You Ever…
1. Have you ever had a pet dog?
2. Have you ever had a pet cat?
3. Have you ever had a pet rodent (mouse, gerbil, hamster, rat, rabbit, etc.)?
4. Have you ever had a pet reptile or amphibian?
5. Have you ever had a pet insect?
6. Have you ever had a pet bird?
7. Have you ever worked at a pet store?
8. Have you ever had a pet that gave birth?
9. Have you ever worked or volunteered at an animal shelter, sanctuary (or similar location)?
10. Have you ever adopted a pet from an animal shelter, sanctuary (or similar location)?
11. Have you ever considered a pet to be your best friend?
12. Have you ever talked to your pet?
13. Have you ever made your pet talk back to you in a silly cartoon voice?
14. Have you ever been away from home and desperately missed your pet?
15. Have you ever taken time off of school or work to grieve for the loss of a pet?
16. Have you ever been attacked by a pet?
17. Have you ever killed your pet (accidentally or purposefully)?
18. Have you ever kissed your pet (in a non-sexual way)?
19. Have you ever slept in a bed with your pet (in a non-sexual way)?
20. Have you ever been naked in front of a pet?
21. Have you ever masturbated in front of a pet?
22. Have you ever engaged in sexual activities with another person while a pet was watching you?
23. Have you ever interrupted sexual activities to shoe away or yell at your pet?
24. Have you ever engaged in sexual activities while you or your partner was dressed as a pet (plushy, furry, etc.)?
25. Have you ever committed bestiality by having sex with a pet (or any other animal)?
Please make sure that your point total is leashed, up to date with its shots, and properly reported in the comments.