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Silver Surfing the Internet: 10 Suggestions for Seniors with Computers

I realized a few weeks ago that from a certain spot in my parking lot, I can see my landlord’s computer screen.  I was so excited!  I couldn’t wait to see what kind of porn (girls? boys? horses? fatties? fisting?) that he was into.  But after a few weeks of spying, I’ve come to the realization that all he ever does is play solitaire.  He’s exactly like my father, and most of the other old people (40+) that I know.  The computer is simply a new way to play card games.

Old people, I’m here to help you. There are better things to do with your computer!  The Internet is a wide and wondrous place.  Here are some suggestions to get you started…

E-mail Your Friends & Family
Why?  Because it’s cheaper than a toll call! (Old people usually don’t believe that free in-network mobile phone calls are actually free.)  You’ll especially enjoy forwarding bad jokes, religious stories, hoaxes that you are convinced are real, and sharing photos with your family.  Please note that old people usually don’t attach photos to an email correctly, so receivers will never see them.

Chat With Your Family
Instead of emailing, why not just IM them?  There are a variety of options: Google Talk, AIM, Yahoo! Messenger, etc.  Each one of them is easy to use and won’t time out when you only type about one word a minute.  Where is the ‘s’ again?  I’m sure your family is patient and won’t mind that you type so slow.  Oh, and Skype is out of the question, because old people will never understand how to set up a microphone and web cam.

Catch Up On The News
You’re old, so you’re probably a Republican.  The best news site for you is FoxNews.com!  They offer a  fair and balanced version of the news that’s usually not exactly true, but true enough to get you all riled up against those damn liberals!  Your favorite person, Sarah Palin is even on the payroll!  Check daily for the latest on how heath care reform will cause you to be instantly euthanized and up-to-the-minute information about how Barack Obama was not born in the United States.

Stay On Top Of The Weather
Old people love the weather.  A chance of rain or snow is enough of a reason to stay home for days.  And when you don’t have much left to live for, it’s important to know the temperature highs and lows for the day.  Make sure to send daily emails to your kids and grandkids, reminding them to wear a coat today!

Porn, Porn & More Porn!
Old people’s penises and vajayjays are saggy and old.  They wrinkle up like prunes (which on a side-note, are great for avoiding constipation!) and drag on the ground.   Don’t get me started on wispy gray pubic hair.  It’s just disgusting.  Porn is a great way to remember how your body used to look.  And what better place to find porn than on the Internet?

It’s Hookup Time!
And why stop at porn?  The Internet is a great place for old people to find romance or just hook up with other old folks.  And with the advent of Viagra and Cialis, old guys never have to worry about under-preforming and stage fright.  eHarmony.com is great if you’re looking for romance (and they don’t let the queers in either!), but sites like AshleyMadison.com are great if you’re just looking to bang some old married people, and still make it home in time for Wheel of Fortune.

Print Out Some Coupons
The only thing better than sex is saving money.  And with websites like Coupons.com, you don’t even have to worry about hobbling with your walker to end of the driveway to pick up the newspaper anymore.  You can sit on your Duro-Med Rubber Inflatable Seat Cushion Ring and print coupons straight from the computer!  As long as you can figure out how to use that damn printer!

Google Your Favorite Subjects
You’re old, so you’re probably all about history (because you were there when it happened).  Why not Google your favorite topics?  I suggest searching for topics like “World War I” or “Back when I had a pet dinosaur.”  Or why not just use Google as an address bar?  Wanna go to FacebookSearch for “Facebook.com” or why not try searching Google for “Google.com”?  Old people LOVE to do that.

Map Your Family Tree
Old people love reconnecting and remembering their long lost relatives.  Why not use a site like Ancestry.com to map a family tree?  Or how about Classmates.com to find a few of your still-living classmates?  Both sites cost money, and for some reason, old people are surprising willing to pay for these services.  Just don’t be there a month later when the credit card bill shows up.  They’ll have that foamy pad on the telephone speaker pressed hard against their hearing aid as they scream at the credit card company representative to take the charge of their bill.

Stalk Your Family On Facebook
Facebook, you say?  That’s where I disapprovingly look at photos of my grandson Adam jamming vegetables down his pants.  He thinks it’s funny.  I think it’s disgusting!  Old people love stalking their family on Facebook.  They’d stalk their friends too, but they’re all dead.

Old people are great, and they love computers.  With this helpful list, hopefully they can make the most out of their final few years on the planet.  Do you have any suggestions of your own?  Add to my list in the comments!

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Have You Ever … Done it on the Net?!

Are you upset that you didn’t win a trophy in yesterday’s Cocky Award presentation? Here’s your first chance to up your average score and take a step towards the win in 2011!

Computers. Many of us sit in front of them for many hours a day. We use them to work, to design, to create, to update and to calculate. But have you ever used your computer to facilitate your physical pleasures? Let’s find out. For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point . When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points, and post your total in the comments section.

Have You Ever…

1. Have you ever used a computer?
2. Have you ever looked at pornography on a computer?
3. Have you ever been sexually aroused by looking at pornography on a computer?
4. Have you ever masturbated while looking at pornography on your computer?
5. Have you ever had virtual sex in an online video game?
6. Have you ever had cybersex in a web chat room?
7. Have you ever had cybersex over instant messenger?
8. Have you ever lied about your gender or age while having cybersex?
9. Have you traded explicit text messages with someone else using a mobile device?
10. Have you ever sent an explicit photo of yourself to someone else’s mobile device?
11. Have you ever received an explicit photo of someone else on your mobile device?
12. Have you ever had audio-only sex (like phone sex) over Skype or another Internet voice service?
13. Have you ever watched someone masturbate on camera while video service (like Skype or Chatroulette)?
14. Have you ever masturbated while someone else watched you via a video service (like Skype or Chatroulette)?
15. Have you ever gone on a date with someone that you met through a social networking site (like Facebook)?
16. Have you ever gone on a date with someone that you met through a dating website (like Match.com)?
17. Have you ever gone on a date with someone that you met through a blog (like Cocky&Rude)?
18. Have you ever had sex on the first date with someone you met through a dating site or blog?
19. Have you ever entered into a relationship or married someone you met through a dating site or blog?
20. Have you ever hooked up or had anonymous sex with someone that you met through a personals site (like Craigslist)?
21. Have you ever hooked up or had anonymous sex with a group of people that you met on the Internet?
22. Have you ever hooked up or had anonymous sex with someone that you met while using a mobile application (like Grindr)?
23. Have you ever purchased sex from someone that you met on the Internet?
24. Have you ever sold sex to someone that you met on the Internet?
25. Have you ever masturbated to any of the photos or videos featured in last week’s Have You Ever?! quiz?

Now post your total points in the comments so we can all judge you!

The Great Cocky & Rude Purity Test

How pure are you… really?  There’s only one way to find out!  Below is a list of 100 questions.  For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point.  When you reach #100, add up your points, and post your total in the comments section.  Then we’ll all know the truth!

HAVE YOU EVER…

1. Masturbated?
2. Been caught masturbating?
3. Masturbated in front of a pet?
4. Purchased print pornography?
5. Purchased video pornography?
6. Looked at pornography on the Internet?
7. Stored more than 26.13 GB of porn on your computer?
8. Masturbated in a public restroom?
9. Masturbated outdoors?
10. Masturbated while steering a moving vehicle?
11. Paid for Internet pornography?
12. Tasted your own orgasmic liquids?
13. Inserted your finger into your rectum?
14. Performed oral sex on yourself? (Or tried REALLY hard to reach?)
15. Masturbated with a piece of fruit or vegetable?
16. Committed an act of exhibitionism (like moon, streak, or flash)?
17. Shaved your pubic hair?
18. Gone skinny dipping?
19. Been on a date?
20. Been on a blind date?
21. Told someone that you loved them?
22. Been out on a date later than 1am?
23. Kissed on the first date?
24. Had or given a hickey?
25. Kissed for more than 2 hours consecutively?
26. Been naked with another person?
27. Been naked and sexually aroused in front of another person?
28. Had oral sex on the first date?
29. Had vaginal sex on the first date?
30. Had anal sex on the first date?
31. Given or received oral sex?
32. Given or received vaginal sex?
33. Given or received anal sex?
34. Had sex without a condom?
35. Had sex with a virgin?
36. Had sex in a car?
37. Had sex while a pet stared at you?
38. Had sex underwater (pool, bath tub, etc.)?
39. Sniffed someone else’s underwear?
40. Stolen someone else’s underwear?
41. Worn someone else’s underwear?
42. Masturbated with another person in the room?
43. Mutually masturbated with another person?
44. Given or received oral sex in a moving car?
45. Had sex with multiple partners at the same time?
46. Hooked up with someone from the Internet for just sex?
47. Had sex with more than 1 person in a single day?
48. Had anonymous sex?
49. Tasted someone else’s semen?
50. Given or received analingus?
51. Cheated on your partner?
52. Been engaged or married?
53. Committed adultery?
54. Had sex in public?
55. Been caught having sex?
56. Gone 69?
57. Impregnated a woman, or been pregnant?
58. Given birth to, or fathered a child?
59. Used a sex toy?
60. Had sex with a minor?
61. Committed incest?
62. Engaged in bondage?
63. Given or received a fist, either vaginally or anally.
64. Committed bestiality?
65. Been tested for a sexually transmitted disease or infection?
66. Had an sexually transmitted disease or infection?
67. Tasted your own urine?
68. Peed on someone else?
69. Tasted someone else’s urine?
70. Tasted your own feces?
71. Tasted someone else’s feces?
72. Defecated somewhere other than a toilet?
73. Defecated on someone else?
74. Gone to a strip club?
75. Paid a prostitute for sex?
76. Received payment for sex?
77. Attended a peep show?
78. Visited a bath house, orgy club, or similar sex party?
79. Called a sex line?
80. Been drunk?
81. Been so drunk that you blacked out?
82. Been so drunk that you passed out?
83. Smoked tobacco?
84. Smoked pot or hashish?
85. Used cocaine?
86. Used LSD, PCP, heroin or Mushrooms?
87. Huffed an inhalant?
88. Shoplifted?
89. Plagiarized?
90. Punched someone in the face?
91. Kicked a guy in the testicles?
92. Stolen?
93. Bounced a check?
94. Killed an animal?
95. Committed breaking and entering?
96. Been ticketed for a moving violation?
97. Murdered someone either on purpose or by accident?
98. Been arrested?
99. Spent a night or more in jail?
100. Lied on this purity test?

Don’t forget to post your results in the comments, you filthy, impure slut!