Tag Archives: Highway

Where Should Nathan Go On Vacation?

Late last week, Nathan contacted me with a post idea. It seems that he has a week off in July and has no clue what to do and where to go on vacation. Here are my ten suggestions:

Stay in Canada! Canada is a beautiful wasteland of ice and snow. Who wouldn’t want to spend some free time exploring an iceberg, making snowmen, adding unnecessary u’s to words, and napping inside of an igloo! The temperature never goes above freezing in Canada!  Slap on your formal wear and have a ball!

Why not spend a week in wonderful Baghdad, Iraq! The largest city in Iraq is home to political unrest, massive troop withdrawals and startling civil rights violations. Who wouldn’t want to visit Baghdad? I hear that they have the best gay clubs in all of the Middle East!

How about a week in North Korea? Spend your time with the new supreme leader, Kim Jong-un! Try your hand at designing weapons of mass destruction, try on a huge selection of Kim Jong-il‘s high heeled shoes, and threaten to start World War III! And that’s all just in the first day!

How about a tour of Chernobyl, Ukraine? Tour the disintegrating nuclear sarcophagus, sample the local radioactive cuisine, and dance the night away with all the local mutants! You’ll leave Chernobyl with a “healthy” green glow that all your friends will be jealous of!

How about a lovely hike near Moab, Utah? While you’re there, make sure to get your arm stuck under a rock … and spend the next 127 hours practicing your survival skills!

Why not spend a week in sunny Afghanistan? Tour the expansive deserts (but watch out for IEDs!) or spend a few days hiding in a cave. For an extra few hundred bucks you can attend a actual terrorist training camp!

Spend a week exploring Antarctica! Antarctica, on average, is the coldest, driest, and windiest continent, and has the highest average elevation of all the continents. I can’t think of a better place to slap on some eyeliner and PAR-TAY!

What, you haven’t heard of Centralia, Pennsylvania? All properties in the borough were claimed under eminent domain by the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania in 1992 (and all buildings therein were condemned), and Centralia’s ZIP code was revoked by the Post Office in 2002. Why? Because the mines below the surface are expected to be on fire for the next 250 years! Get yer tan on in Centralia!

None of those vacations are ticking your fancy? Then how about fabulous Somalia? Since the outbreak of the Somali Civil War in 1991 there has been no central government control over most of the country’s territory. But that can’t stop the bustling tourism business! Spend a day working as an actual Somali slumlord or reenact scenes Black Hawk Down!

If all else fails, you can always spend a week in the pink! Fat Betty’s anus is a warm and inviting … but be warned, when it’s poo-time, you’ll feel like you’re standing in the middle of the busiest highway in North America. She eats a lot, and yes, she poops a lot.

Those are my 10 best suggestions! Do you have a favorite, or maybe you have some ideas of your own? Help Nathan in the comments!

Advertisements

C&R Fight Club: REBECCA BLACK vs. THE KID!


Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club!  The rules to the game are simple.  Each week we’ll introduce our fighters.  We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses.  Then we’ll put the results to vote.  You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…


REBECCA BLACK

Date of Birth: June 21, 1997
Place of Birth: Anaheim Hills, CA
Residence: With her parents, John Jeffery Black and Georgina Marquez Kelly
Relationship Status: Presumably single, possibly dating one of the boys in the video
Regional Accent: Californian Auto-Tune
Occupation: Singer(?)
Favorite Rapper: Patrice Wilson
What time do you wake up in the morning: 7AM (gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs)
Favorite Breakfast food: cereal
Favorite underage driving destination: slow highways with cities in the background, parking lots, parties near trees with rainbow lighting
Favorite day of the week to git down on: FRIDAY
Do you look forward to the weekend?: we so excited!
Which seat can you take? (Front seat or back seat): undecided (“which seat can I taaaaaakeee?”)
Favorite curse word: none

Viral (pop?) star, Rebecca Black burst onto the Internet scene in March of 2011 after recording her hit song, Friday.  Reportedly costing her mother a whopping $4000, the “vanity release” has since spawned countless spoofs and covers by the cast of Glee, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Fallon, The Roots and Taylor Hick, Nick Jonas, Katy Perry, Conan O’Brien and Andy Richter, and Justin Bieber.  The video features an excessive use of Auto-Tune, underage driving, a whole lot of “fun, fun fun, fun, partying, partying, yeah!”, a rap interlude by co-producer Patrice Wilson, bad haircuts, a disregard for car safety, and a brace-face named Benni Cinkle.  Rebecca’s weapons are numerous and include a convertible driven by minors, rainbow colored party lights, Benni Crinkle bites, and ear shattering Auto-Tuning.  It should also be noted that Rebecca may or may not be able to shoot lasers from her sizable  mole.  Beware!


KRISTEN, “THE KID”

Also known as: Dieter Vonsnizenhauzerkrank (i can’t believe I’m admitting this)
Alias: ‘Lil Meezy
Date of Birth: May 28
Place of Birth: Ottawa, Canada
Residence: With my mom
Relationship Status: Mentally dating various celebrities
Regional Accent: Canadian, eh?
Occupation: Forever Unemployed
Height & Weight: Not tall enough & a little too much
Favorite Rapper: S-L-I-M S-H-A-D-Y
What time do you wake up in the morning: Too early for any human being
Favorite Breakfast food: bagels, bagels and more bagels. 
Favorite underage driving destination: The Bagel Shoppe
Favorite day of the week to git down on: THURSDAY!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you look forward to the weekend?: Only if there’s PARTYING involved 😀
Favorite place to party: The Slytherin Common Room
Which seat can you take? (Front seat or back seat): Front seat. I demand riding shotgun
Favorite curse word: BULLOCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Daughter of Tam (last week’s C&R Fight Club winner), Kristen (more commonly referred to as “The Kid”), hails from Ottawa, Canada.  Like your average teen girl, “The Kid” attends school, enjoys riding a pony named Sprinkles, dreams of one day becoming a ballet dancer, and loves watching Jersey Shore (she’s seen every episode!), and The Food Network.  Kristen’s favorite movies include Hitchcock’s Rope, Vertigo, Rear Window, and Psycho — so she’s clearly no stranger to murder and intrigue.  It may seem like “The Kid” fights in the shadow of her mother’s battle, but don’t be fooled … she shines bright!  Her secret weapons include Sprinkles the Pony (who may or may not be rabid), an endless supply of bagels (don’t let the holes fool you, they hurt when they hit you!), The Situation’s abs of steel, Snooki (who may or may not be rabid), and her favorite hockey team: the Pittsburgh Penguins.  Don’t mess with Dieter Vonsnizenhauzerkrank!!!


Who will win in the battle of Friday vs. Thursday?  Will Rebecca Black ignore her 2,710,134+ YouTube dislikes and Auto-Tune herself all the way to victory?  Or will “The Kid” trample her opponent to death with Sprinkles the Pony?  We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.

Check back on Sunday at noon for the results!

Thanks to Kristen & Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!