Tag Archives: Fuck

Biggest C&R Loser 2013

Biggest_CR_Loser_2013

Welcome to the 6th week of Biggest C&R Loser 2013! This year we’ll be keeping all of the results and placings secret until the end of the contest. We’ll also be pooling our cash to award the 2013 winner the largest prize we’ve ever awarded … a whopping $40!  This week’s theme is “MEAL PLAN” – each contestant will show you a meal that they’re particularly proud of. Do they eat this healthy at every meal, or is it a rarity? Who knows! Here’s what they had to say:


Mr. Sombrero

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This organic vegan place down the street has these awesome smoothies. This one is called “green power”. Ingredients are: pear, banana, almond butter, soy milk aaaaaand [drum role please] kale!!! It’s tastes really good, despite the fact that it looks like swamp water. I had it for breakfast couple of times this week and it’s a nice change from standards like oatmeal, yogurt or nothing.


Nathan

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I mentioned the banana smoothies I have in the morning before, but I came to the sad, pathetic realization that I’ve done very little cooking from scratch (except pasta, which isn’t very diet-y) While living in residence at teacher’s college. So I guess I have to stick with a paltry smoothie offering for this round.


Polt

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It’s a salad from a local buffet and a Diet Coke. And that’s healthy, right? The only problem is, this photo is from a few years ago. But I DO try to eat salads and healthy foods, more often than not. Well sometimes. Well, I WANT to eat healthier at times, at least. That counts, right?


Tam

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As a rule we eat pretty healthy. Most dinners are protein, vegetable, starch, lunches are usually sandwiches of some kind. We rarely have dessert but it varies from fruit to pudding to ice-cream if we have some in the freezer. I forgot I had to take a picture, so I found pictures of dinner I made Monday evening. Bulgar pilaf, pork loin, green beans and I confess I may have snuck a cruller that day, but that is the first donut I’ve had in… months.


TwoPi

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Most of my progress evaporated on Super Bowl Sunday, with its horrid temptations of beer and chili and chips and … and… (and that incredibly delicious buffalo chicken dip that Craig blogged about in 2008, back when Craig blogged.) But this week’s another week, and another opportunity to start eating right and exercising. (Bwahahaha!) Anyways, a fairly frequent meal in our house is a chicken and veggie stir fry. Lately I’ve been increasing the ratio of veggies to chicken, and cutting back on the Thai fish sauce to minimize sodium. It still tastes awesome, is easy to make, and my kids are even willing to eat a little bit of it.


Adam

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I’m so proud of the meal in this photo! It’s what I eat every day for breakfast … nothing! People say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but they can go fuck themselves. Plus the calories that I don’t eat for breakfast can be used later in the day (and I feel less guilty when I eat 10,000 cookies per day).


Michelle M.

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This meal consists of: vegetarian lentil stew (yummy!), a garden salad (with no fat Italian dressing) and a wheat roll. We had this the other night. I didn’t take a photo, but this is approximately what it looked like. Absent is the butter I put on my roll :(. The meals I cook are healthy. It’s the fact that I snack (chocolate and chips), eat late at night and don’t exercise that gets me in trouble. If I could cut all of that out, I’d be golden!


Mikey

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This is not the single healthiest meal I’ve eaten all week. I haven’t eaten very healthy at all this week. I took hot dogs, covered them with Jack Cheese and wrapped it in a pizza in honor of 30 Rock‘s finale. I stand by my choice.


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THE LOST EPISODE OF SUPER VIAGRA AND VAGINA GIRL!

Not unlike the last episode of Galaxy Quest before it went off the air, the last installment I drew of The Adventures of Super Viagra and Vagina Girl lay unfinished and with a whopper of a cliffhanger. Here I wish to present it to you for the first time:

There we have it folks. The Omega 13 of the Super Viagra and Vagina Girl universe.
What do you think happened?


Check out Craig’s site, Our TV Night or follow him on Twitter.

It’s The Thursday Four!

My new haircut looks something like this.

Much like the ‘Friday Five’, the ‘Thursday Four’ is an exploration of great things.  …except there are four things instead of five.  …and it’s Thursday and not Friday.  …and it doesn’t really have the same ring as ‘Friday Five’.  OH WELL!  This week Michelle M. and I got together (figuratively, not literally) to present these four great things to you.  Read ’em and weep, suckers!

1. Grooming myself! (and having other people groom me.)  This week I trimmed my beard really short, AND got a haircut!  I look marvelous!  I’d post a photo, but I’ve gotten so fat that I hardly look like myself anymore.  (Hurray for BC&RL3!)  Either that or I’m just super lazy tonight.  ANYWAY — I love having a closely shorn head and face.  Is that weird? -Adam

Fuck you, Chris Christie!

2. Chris Christie vetoed gay marriage!  After I’ve finally gotten over the fact that he fired every teacher in NJ, I needed a new reason to hate that fat Republican fuck.  And he did not disappoint — last week he vetoed gay marriage!  Yay Chris Christie!  Now I have a reason hate you forever.  If I ever see you in person, I promise to spit on you.  People just don’t spit on each other enough these days.  Unless they need emergency lubrication — but that’s a whole ‘nother story. -Adam

3. Downton Abbey* – what a great show. Season two has just ended, but there will be a season three, and Shirley MacLaine will play Lady Cora’s mother. Yay! Here is a clip from Saturday Night Live if you haven’t been watching and would like a rundown on the show. – Michelle M.

They see me rollin', they hatin', patrollin' Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty.

4. And look! There are Downton Abbey paper dolls, in case you’re going through DA withdrawal like me. I love the faces for the Chicken Lady, er, Dowager Countess, O’Brien’s evil soap and Mr. Pamuk. – Michelle M.

Runners up: The Good Wife*, reusable shopping bags, complaining, spending other people’s money, liquid wart remover,lazy posts, pregnant ladies, selling crap on eBay, adorably tiny bottles of diet soda, eating like a pig before BC&RL3, and hardcore gay pornography.

That’s our Thursday Four … what’s yours?

*Why isn’t this show on Our T.V. Night??

GUEST POST: Craig’s Friday Five!

Hey everybody! Craig from Puntabulous here! LOL, remember when I used to blog? Anyway, I’m here to bring an end to the week of awesomeness Craig that’s been going on here at Cocky & Rude this week. So I’m here to bring you my very own Friday Five!

1. My Birthday. Being thirty is awesome! Never mind the fact that I was supposed to be a published author, married, and with children by now! Look how much better than that I am! I stopped blogging, I can’t remember the last time I went on a real date, and I hate kids! Perfect! And when it’s your birthday, your friends write about you on their vastly superior updated blogs and people who put you into headlocks in junior high now wish you happy birthday cause you’re friends on Facebook now even though you still hate them! Yay!

2. Presents. Yeah, this should be rolled into the first item, but STFU. STOP. I haven’t blogged in a while and I’m still trying to get back in my groove. STOP. I don’t even know what the fuck I’m typing on. STOP. This one of those telegrams all the kids are talking about these days, right? STOP. Anyway, besides the requisite Tanqueray and Amazon gift cards, I also got this retro game emulator which is amazing! STOP. I don’t know how my parents knew I would love such a thing! STOP. Aren’t they awesome? STOP. (I ordered it for them with their credit card.) STOP. NO REALLY, STOP. THE STOP JOKE GOT LAME EIGHT STOPS AGO.

3. Television. What, you thought since I don’t blog about TV you don’t care about on my blog means I can’t blog about TV you don’t care about on other people’s blogs?! Think again! I’m still all about television. This years new shows of amazingness are Revenge and Once Upon a Time. Revenge is just so deliciously soapy and OMG there was gay sex last week, I love it! And Once Upon a Time is so sweet and cheesy it reminds me of Merlin starring Sam Neill which I love with all my heart. Ringer sucks, but I’m still watching it, and Glee is (mostly) good this season!

4. The Christmas Season is here! Fuck every single one of you who complains about seeing Christmas decorations in stores. This is the best part of the fucking year. First there is Halloween, then my birthday, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas! It’s like 3 months of complete awesomeness! So why not celebrate said awesomeness with an electric keyboard and clarinet version of All I Want for Christmas is You while strolling through your local mall, all decked out in fake snow?

5. Cocky & Rude. A whole week dedicated to yours truly?! Where the fuck else are you going to see such awesomeness? Brought to your face by the minds of Michelle M. and Adam! And let’s face it, even if you exclude this week of Craig, Cocky & Rude is prety damn fun every single frakking day. Also, Adam gives the best dating advice on the face of the planet. When I told him about the possibility of an upcoming date he gave these words of wisdom: “Make sure you fuck him!” and “Just get in there. You’re old now! The clock’s ticking! Fuck him on the first date!” Isn’t he romantic?

Runners Up: Peach cobbler, having my own mantle to put birthday cards on, Mikey and Ty’s public adoration of each other from continents away, & hardcore gay pornography.


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C&R Fight Club Round 2: Mel vs. Mr. Sombrero vs. Mikey!

Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND TWO!  The rules to the game are simple.  Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters.  We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind.  Then we’ll put the results to vote.  You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…


Each week of Round Two, we’ll drop three Round One winners into the ring and see who remains standing after a 24-hour Cocky & Rude Fight Club vote.  Today’s contestants are: Mel, Mr. Sombrero & Mikey!

On June 18th, Mel faced off against a fearsome duo: Raggedy Ann and Andy.  But in the end, Mel didn’t even have to raise one of his sharp knitting needles before those silly rag dolls, Raggedy Ann & Andy, crumpled to the ground and died.  Mel won with a very impressive 98% of the popular vote.

Excuse me? Me against the soft city boys? Not only do I come from a land where killing things is considered de rigueur, I live in a state where everyone – and I mean everyone – looks like a no-nonsense bulldyke. And when I say I cut bitches for a living, I mean that in the most literal sense. Scalpel in one hand and a syringe full of euthanasia solution in the other, I will seriously fuck these two over. -Mel

Mr. Sombrero claimed victory in his battle with a Confederate flag wielding, Sarah Palin loving, Redneck Border Patrolman.  With the help of his trusty burro and a bad case of Montezuma’s revenge, Mr. Sombrero won his fight with 99% of the popular vote.

En mi primero battle, I tore open the borders de Mexico to defeat that estúpido Redneck Border Patrolman.  And now you expect me to be afraid of a Mel, a man who fights dolls?  Or Mikey?  I can watch web videos faster than Speedy Gonzales!  Those two gringos are no match for me!  I will destroy them with my mustache tied behind my back!  ¡Ay, caramba y yo quiero Taco Bell! -Mr. Sombrero

C&R pitted our favorite Friday blogger, Mikey against the former heavyweight champion of the world: Mike Tyson.  But Tyson’s fight experience, rape conviction, face tattoo and an expertise in pigeon breeding were no match for Mikey’s love of cheese balls and web videos.  Mikey claimed an easy victory with 90% of the popular vote.

I’ve been around longer than Mr. Sombrero and I have heard from reliable sources that he smells bad.  Mel lives in Maine, which is barely a state these days.  I will triumph on the basis of proximity to greatness and clean-scentedness.  I call upon all of you vote for the only reasonable option. -Mikey


Who will win in the battle of  Paul vs. VUBOQ vs. FDot?  There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.

Check back on Sunday for the results!

Thanks to Michelle M., Mikey, Mr. Sombrero & Mel for your assistance with this post!