Tag Archives: Flower

Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3: Week 2

Our first week is complete!  Today our contestants celebrate one week into the cockiest and rudest weight loss competition evahhhh!  It’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3!

Everything is easier if there’s a goal & prize in place.  This week, the contestants were invited to tell us what they will do to reward themselves when they attain their weight-loss goals.  Here’s what they said:



TwoPi
My mid-range goal is to lose 10% and be able to maintain that weight loss. I’m hoping to feel healthier, have better flexibility, and be able to see my doctor without having her recommend yet another fad diet. Most importantly, I don’t want to have to buy new clothes in larger sizes than what I currently wear. So I guess the prize I’m working toward is keeping my current wardrobe intact!



Mikey
My goal is to look hotter than this bitch on my wedding day.  I know that’s  tall order, but everyone knows I’m a bigger queen than she will ever be.  I’m on my way there, too!  Despite four events for Ty’s birthday (including one with a 24 course meal), I managed to lose weight this week.  I’m attributing it to the flop sweat that broke out due to my extreme anxiety during planning the parties!



Mr. Sombrero
My goal is to lose 11% in this round so I can fit into my old pantalones again.



Michelle M.
Like Tam, My goal is to fit back into my jeans. I have been wearing the same pair (or sweats) for I don’t know how long. I refuse to buy more in a bigger size when I have plenty of good ones in my closet.



Tam
Hmmm. I thought about goals. New clothes? Well, that could be a necessity. Books? Ha! That’s a given. So I decided for every 10 lbs I lose I shall buy myself a lovely bouquet of flowers to remind me of what I’ve achieved. And how many bouquets do I get this week? Blerg. Thanks to traveling and eating out and receptions and booze and pastries … NADA. But I’m home next week where I can get back on the wagon, really. I think I will print out a nice flower pic and paste it to my fridge when I get home. Maybe it will help. One can only hope.


Adam
When I attain my weight-loss goal, I’m going to get a tattoo. Not as extreme as that guy … just something small on my right forearm. I’ve always wanted a tattoo, and this motivation is as good as any finally man-up and get it. Oh, and maybe I’ll go back to being a vegetarian. I’ll reward myself with tattoos and cheese!  But not a tattoo of cheese.



Ryan
Whenever I reach a weight milestone, I’m rewarding myself with music. It both motivates me to stay on course with my diet and exercise and makes sure that I put thought into what music I buy. I’ve shown a few options in my photo. PS – I’m pretty sure most of this week’s weight loss was the release of excess water and glycogen from my liver that built up from the conference the weekend before we started.



Polt
So I’m supposed to talk about my “Personal Goal Prize”. Hmm, well when I win the competition, I will have lost enough weight and firmed up enough to be able to wear one of these babies! I’m not sure WHERE I’d wear it, but that’s beside the point, cause looking like that, I’m sure I’ll find no shortage of places that would WANT me to wear it! And I do hope the pouch comes in various sizes, cause I’m gonna need a bigger pouch.


And now, the week’s results:


Stay tuned each Thursday for the stunning weight-loss success stories of our nine contestants. Who will win this year’s competition? Find out on May 31st … just in time for bikini season!

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Sports are Stupid! Here’s 50 Things To Do Instead of Watching the Super Bowl…

1. Clip your toenails.
2. Organize your grocery store coupons.
3. Admire Polt’s ass.
4. Twiddle your thumbs.
5. Stare at the wall.

6. Watch the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet.
7. Read a book.
8. Watch The Notebook to balance out the world.
9. Organize a box of Fruit Loops by color.
10. Call all your butch friends who are watching the Super Bowl, just to chat.

11. Roll pennies.
12. Watch paint dry.
13. Clean out your closet.
14. Stuff everything that you took out of your closet into another closet.
15. Alphabetize your DVDs.

16. Comb your back hair.
17. Go shopping.
18. Clean out your refrigerator.
19. Replace the batteries in your smoke detectors.
20. Clean the dead bugs out of your ceiling lamps.

21. Make sure that everything hanging in your home is perfectly level.
22. Tweeze your eyebrows.
23. Catch up on Glee.
24. Look up naked women on the Internet and ponder why vaginas are just so damn disgusting.
25. Actually read one of those m/m short stories that Tam is always reviewing.

26. Masturbate.
27. Watch grass grow.
28. Play solitaire.
29. Add hundreds of pointless life events to your Facebook timeline.
30. Organize your porn.

31. Prune your pubes.
32. Microwave random things until they explode.
33. Perfect a foreign accent.
34. Plot world domination.
35. Perform an interpretive dance of LMFAO‘s I’m Sexy and I Know It.

36. Bake and decorate a cake.
37. Plan your future wedding.
38. Go grocery shopping (the store will be EMPTY).
39. Re-read every C&R post and comment on all of them.
40. Actually visit Our T.V. Night (because no one ever does).

41. Build a sex machine.
42. Nap.
43. Compose a C&R guest post and email it to Adam.
44. Learn the beautiful art of flower arraigning.
45. Drink alcohol until you pass out.

46. Lick the black mold that’s growing on your bathroom wall.
47. Clean your house.
48. Exercise.
49. Go see a movie.
50. Dream up 50 more things that you could do instead of watching the Super Bowl.

Special thanks to Mikey and Craig for their assistance with this post.

The Winner of 100 GRAND is…

CONGRATULATIONS MICHELLE M!

You won a candy bar!

Michelle M. submitted a photo of this award-winningly ugly purse.

Thanks to everyone who submitted a photo: John (art), Polt (chair), Mikey (flower),
Mr. Sombrero (light bulb), Me (puppy), Michelle M. (purse) and Craig (t-shirt).

Behold The Ugly! Vote Now! 100 GRAND* is at stake!

Last month I announced that one lucky C&R reader would win 100 GRAND*!  That’s right —
100 GRAND*
!  Woohoo!  To win, all you had to do was submit a photo of the
ugliest thing that you own.  Behold, the submissions (click to enlarge):

Art: A small art print that freaks the hell out of anyone that sees it as evidenced
by the continuous inquiries of “What the hell is that?”

Chair: This chair with green and gold eagles on white upholstery is
perfect example of mid ’70s interior decor!


Flower: This is a Calla lily that I bought for Thanksgiving.
Clearly you can tell that it is no longer in peak condition.

Light bulb: Neon-orange creepy-looking incandescent light bulb that screams
mid ’90s German-techno-punk-just-rolled-off-of-Bjork-music-video-set-sex-toy.

Puppy: 21″ tall ceramic white poodle with a plastic jewel encrusted collar.
It sits next to my front door, which it guards with its fluffy ferocity.

Purse: I was in the local drug store when the purse caught my eye.
I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was hideous. I had to buy it.

T-Shirt: That is a whoooole lot of ugly. Except Kari.


Now it’s up to you to decide who wins. The poll will remain open until Friday around noon. One vote per IP address. Winner will be announced Sunday, prize will be mailed within 3 months of announcement. Good luck / Thank you / Congratulations / Whatevah!

*100 Grand refers to a single, standard size 100 Grand candy bar.

It’s The Cocky & Rude Match Game! (Part 3)

The Cocky & Rude Match Game: Part 1
The Cocky & Rude Match Game: Part 2

It’s The Cocky & Rude Match Game! (Part 2)

The Cocky & Rude Match Game: Part 1

Continue reading It’s The Cocky & Rude Match Game! (Part 2)

Have You Ever … Seen it on the Net?!

The Internet is full of gross.  It’s a haven for the dirtiest, disgustingest, revoltingest, most awfulest things to ever grace our eyes.  How Internet innocent are you?  Have you seen the worst of the worst?  Or do you only watch videos of sleeping kittens?  Let’s find out.  For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point (unless otherwise instructed). When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points, and post your total in the comments section.

Before you start this week’s quiz, please be warned.  Every link below is NSFW.

Actually, they’re Not Safe For Anything.  Please don’t click them.  Ever.

Have You Ever…

1. Have you ever seen the Goatse photo?
2. Have you ever looked close enough to see that Goatse is a guy?
3.
Have you ever looked close enough to see that he’s wearing a wedding ring?
4. Have you ever seen something in real life and had flashbacks to Goatse?
5. Have you ever seen the TubGirl photo?
6. Have you ever seen the Lemon Party photo?
7. Have you ever seen the Man Train (aka LOLTrain) photo?
6. Have you ever seen the Prolapse Man photo?
7. Have you ever scrolled all the way to the bottom of ScrollBelow.com?
8. Have you ever seen the Fruit Launcher animated photo?
9. Have you ever seen the Bottle Guy photo?
10. Have you ever seen the Goatse Girl video? (+2 Points!)
11. Have you ever seen the Octopus Girl video? (+2 Points!)
12. Have you ever seen the Vomit Girl video? (+2 Points!)
13. Have you ever seen the 2 Girls 1 Cup video? (+ 3 Points!)
14. Have you ever seen the 4 Girls Finger Paint video? (+3 Points!)
15. Have you ever seen the 2 Girls 1 Finger video? (+3 Points!)
16. Have you seen something worse than all of the aforementioned photos and videos? (please email it to cockyandrudedotcom@gmail.com!)

Gross.  Just gross.  Post your point totals in the comments.

I’m sorry.

And a special THANK YOU! to the people who helped me compile this list.  For all of your sakes, I will not mention you by names.