Tag Archives: february

My 2012 Resolutions

Now that 2011 is drawing to a close, it’s time to make resolutions for 2012! Now, I could make my usual resolutions – lose weight, exercise, finish that novel, go back to school… but why bother. Word is it’s the end of days! So I’m going to live large and make this year count. Here are my 2012 resolutions:


January – I’m going to Disney World!


February – I’m going to eat VATS of mashed potatoes and gravy.


March – I resolve to stay in bed, read books, watch DVDs and eat tons of junk food.


April – I’ve always wanted to drive across country, and this is the year I’m going to do it.
I’ll make sure to see all my bloggy friends in between trips to see the largest ball of twine,
carhenge and big holes in the ground.


May – I’m going to hang out in the sewers with Britney and keep on dancing til the world ends.


June – On second thought, who wants to hang out in a stinky sewer? Ever since watching
The Love Boat
, I’ve always wanted to go on a cruise. I plan to eat, drink, read,
lay out at the pool, and eat and drink some more.


July – I resolve to island hop, enjoy tropical drinks and work on my skin cancer.


August – La Tomatina! Buñol, Spain has a huge tomato fight every year. I am totally there.


September – I’m going to hang out in Santorini, Greece. Soaking up the sun and eating.

But now that I think about it, I have no idea how the world is going to end. Maybe it won’t
be complete devastation from a pandemic, solar flares, a black hole or asteroid collision.
Maybe it will be a robot uprising, the rapture, or even worse – Zombies!

Maybe I better rethink my resolutions in case I’m stuck on this miserable,
god forsaken, zombie-ridden planet.

October – I better get in fighting shape, so I resolve to lose weight and exercise. sigh.

November – Since I’ll be stockpiling weapons, I better learn how to use them.

December – Several trips to Costco will be in order so I can fill up my hidden
bunker by the lake in the mountains. Bring it on zombies.

So there you have it. My 2012 resolutions. What are your resolutions?
Are you ready for the zombie apocalypse? Let me know in the comments!

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It’s The Friday 5÷2!

Like last year at this time, Mikey has abandoned us for the sunny shores of Adam Corolla, North Carolina.  We can only imagine that he’s again eating giant tubs of cheese balls, drinking gallons of alcohol and feasting on just a bit too much Nutella.  I only hope that this year’s gluttonous behavior has not turned off his travel companion: Jeopardy! Champion Ty Cone.  After a week of debauchery, it’s needless to say that Mikey is in no shape to write a Friday Five.  So in his absence, Michelle M. and I have decided to each write a Friday 2.5.  Because 2.5 + 2.5 = 5.  I think.  Yay math!  Here goes…

Michelle M.’s First: Harry!

When we bought our house it came with a sunroom.  We found out after the first rainfall that the sunroom came with major problems including leaky walls and a crap foundation. It would have to go.

Harry and his friends were going to tear it out this summer, but Harry ended up doing it all by himself. I mean, I know it’s not like he changed the ballast in a fluorescent light fixture, but still, I’m pretty darn impressed!

Adam’s First:
Topping my list this week is Zoila Chavez, the housekeeper on Bravo’s Flipping Out.  Over five seasons as Jeff Lewis’s house keeper on Flipping Out, Zoila has proven herself to be a smart-mouthed, occasionally working, hilarious addition to the design/house-flipping reality show.  This season, Zoila had a facelift and recovered for a few episodes.  That left Jeff to clean up for himself (including washing Zoila’s underwear) until he could find a temporary replacement.  Hilarity ensued…

Michelle M.’s Second: The Woman in Black. I saw the trailer for this movie the other day. I LOVE scary movies. Especially the ones that keep me from sleeping at night. This one has lots of spooky elements: old timey photos, a decrepit house, rhyming, little girls, creepy ass dolls, creepy ass clown dolls, creepy ass monkey dolls, mud and a ghost. I can hardly wait! But I’ll have to – it doesn’t come out until Feb. 2012 : (.


Adam’s Second: This week, my #2 is Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody. Yesterday I did the unthinkable: I watched straight porn.  And as you know, that’s not my thing.  But lemme explain: I watched Star Trek The Next Generation – A XXX Parody!  It was everything I had hoped for (and some things that I hadn’t hoped for).  The story was great, the actors did a decent job, and the sets and special effects were phenomenal!  Commander Data even had makeup … all over his body!  All that has left me feeling even more excited for my next straight porn experience, Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody.  Check out the totally SFW trailer:

Michelle M.’s Half: Adam’s tags. Sometimes they’re funnier than the posts. Some of my favorites: tam loves worms, chris d. got naked on his blog, harry should keep his day job, michelle doesn’t care about adam’s feelings, mikey loves video posts, I can always lie and pretend my mistakes are games, poor craig probably cried and why do we have to keep looking at polt’s ass?

Adam’s Half: My half this week is none other than Tam!  Tam was a great sport when C&R had a lot of fun with her on our (2-day) “Tam Week.”  On top of that, she also sent me a present this week — for no reason!  Tam sent me a copy of The Vegan Table that she snagged at a Borders going-out-of-business sale when she was in Chicago last week.  She’s so nice!  Thanks Tam!  I’m totally inspired to use this cookbook when Michelle M. and I rip of Anna & Kristina’s Grocery Bag with our new TV series on OWN.  Stay tuned!  I’m so excited!  (And delusional!)

Great idea, Tam!  That’s such a thoughtful idea!

This week’s Friday Five is made up of Harry, Zoila, The Woman In Black, Star Wars Porn, Adam’s Tags and Tam!  What a great mix!  What’s in your Friday Five?

One Nutty Five

Oh crap! It’s Friday. I guess that means we are due for the five things that make the world absolutely awesome. What is there to talk about this week? Some nutjob got away with murdering her daughter and Adam got older. So basically just a normal week in our world. But I did fine five things to make your week brighter. What are they, Mikey? Just you wait!


First up this week is our favorite ginger. No, not Adam: Conan. Ever since NBC messed up and fired him for that guy with the really big chin who isn’t funny, Conan has thrived. He has a movie and his own show on TBS. Sure TBS is not a major network, but in five years the “broadcast” networks are going to be replaced by cyborgs named Al so it doesn’t really matter. Back to our firebushed friend. He is so famous that he is now being caricatured as a dolphin. He has made it!

If you weren’t madly in lovely with America before seeing Conan as a dolphin, you will be when you see how residents of a formerly Communist country treat their national monuments. If you grew up in a world where your very needs were denied and you weren’t encouraged to embrace your individuality. Now they take their statues and make them into comic book characters.

After you take a trip to Bulgaria, you should come back and visit our friend Patton Oswalt. One day Patton was crabwalkin’ down the street and he was caught on camera. Then some other dude kicked him in the nuts. The result is a hilarious video of Patton Oswalt getting kicked in the nuts.

Speaking of a kick to the nuts, Vanity Fair had Justin Bieber on the cover in February. No one wanted to read it. Why? Because he is not classy. At all. That is why they had their lowest sales in 12 years. So our number four this week is the readers of that particular magazine who refused to buy it. They exercised their sanity.

And finally something we all care about: penis. Could the length of your fingers tell us how long your johnson is? According to recent studies, if the ratio of your index finger to your ring finger on your right hand is lower, you are more likely to have a giant member. Don’t believe me? Check out the story.

So there they are, dear readers: Conan Dolphin, Bulgarian Graffiti, Patton Oswalt’s flattened nuts, Biebs sinks, and member detector. Runners-up this week are Adam’s never ending birthday, veiled references to old tv shows, baby killers that get away with it, chocolate, Sunsweet dried mangoes, wireless Internet, sex and hardcore gay pornography.