Tag Archives: everything

Advice From The Expert… ASK ADAM!

It seems that people are always pestering me for my expert advice.  Truth be told, I’m awesome at everything.  I know all of the answers.  All you have to do is ask.  That’s why I’m introducing my new advice column: Advice From The Expert… Ask Adam! 

Dear Adam: What should I make for dinner tonight?
Signed, Starving For Supper

How about a nice micro-green salad topped with a simple ginger and garlic-spiked orange glazed tempeh!  Nom!

Dear Adam: I’ve always wanted a boyfriend who was young, cute, and rich. But I only got two out of three. Should I hold out for the full package or should I settle for hot but poor?
Signed, Should I Settle?

How many young, cute and rich guys do you know that aren’t characters on Gossip Girl? Be happy that you landed 2/3 of the perfect man!

Dear Adam: I know you’re not supposed to wear white after Labor Day, but what are you proscribed from wearing after Memorial Day?
Signed, Fashion Backwards

When in doubt … just wear plaid!

Dear Adam: How can I get my husband to clean his bathroom more often?
Signed, Wedded Pissed

Two words: WITHHOLD SEX. It’s the best way to get whatever you want!  That bathroom will be sparkling in no time!

Dear Adam: A couple of vegans moved in across the street. Should I be afraid of their aggressive cult-like ways?
Signed, Confused Carnivore

Trust me, vegans are just like everyone else! … but just to be safe, make sure to lock your doors and windows after dark.

Dear Adam: My younger brother is a great guy but has no self-esteem. His lack of confidence has kept him from doing anything with his life. He’s in a dead end job, hasn’t had a relationship in years, and his circle of friends has dwindles more and more each year. I want to encourage him, but he refuses to discuss his plans or goals with anyone. I just want him to be happy, but he clearly is not. What should I do?
Signed, Sibling Misery

Don’t worry, he’ll grow up eventually. Can I have his number?

Dear Adam: What the hell should I do with my life?
Signed, Miss Direction

Become a prostitute! Prostitutes make TONS of money!  You’ll be rich in not time at all!

Have a question for Adam? Email him today!


It’s the 2011 Lifetime Achievement Cocky Award!

Before we bid farewell to the 2011 Cocky Awards, we have one final award to hand out.  Today, on the dawn of 2012, let’s join together to appreciate our final award recipient.

The 2011  Lifetime Achievement Cocky Award winner is none other than … POLT’S ASS!

With this award, we at Cocky & Rude pledge to always appreciate its nakedness, whiteness and utter flatness.  Thought it is true that Polt’s ass has been the butt of many jokes here at Cocky & Rude, we also acknowledge that as bloggers, we respect and admire everything about it.  And fear not — just because Polt’s ass has earned the 2011 Lifetime Achievement Cocky Award DOES NOT MEAN that we will retire the image in any way.  We at C&R will strive to do Polt’s ass justice as we move forward into the future.  Congratulations: Polt’s Ass.  You truly earned it.

Now please stand as the 2011 Lifetime Achievement Cocky Award runner-up, Rebecca Black, performs an original composition to the tune of her smash single, Friday, entitled: Polt’s Ass.

POLT’S ASS   (written by Adam, performed by Rebecca Black & Friends)

Congratulations to Polt’s ass and all of the 2011 Cocky Award winners!

Dear Santa, Don't Forget That We Asked Nicely

Are you still looking for the perfect gift for us? Even after yesterday’s amazing list of the most attainable items known to man? Well then get off your duff and buy us this stuff!

A Tummy Tuck, Liposuction, Ab Implants, A Neck Lift, And Lots of Other Plastic Surgery – Because I’m vain and I want to look perfect and beautiful without any work. Adam

A Tummy Tuck, Liposuction, Ab Implants, A Neck Lift, And Lots of Other Plastic Surgery – Because Adam is mean and makes me feel bad about my body. Mikey

Free Rent – I pay rent every month because I’m too poor to buy a house. I’m too poor to buy a house because I pay rent every month. Adam

Ten More Hours in Each Day – I think I need about ten more hours to make myself completely at ease with my world. I could find time to blog creatively enough that Adam won’t whine about it. I really really really need this. Mikey

Google – I’d just like to own it. Is that too much to ask? Adam

For Rainbow Poo to Get Picked Up and Made into a Comedy Central Cartoon – I don’t know if you know this, but Adam has been working his fingers off crafting this comic strip about a superhero made of mulitcolored feces. It is hilarious and poignant. Oh and Michelle McKee drinks alot. Mikey

A New Wardrobe – I noticed yesterday that everything I’ve been wearing is ugly. Adam

A New Wardrobe – Well I actually don’t have one, but I really want one. I would especially like it if the wardrobe is that magic one that allows me to go to Narnia. Mikey

A New Job – One that has a flexible schedule, pays really well and makes me feel good about myself. Adam

More Blog Comments – Until you start blogging, you never realize how much that little number means to you. Now it has become my lifeblood. More! More! More! Adam

People to Shut Up About The Weather – I don’t care if it might/is/has snowed. I don’t care if it might be cold tomorrow. Adam

Adam to Stop Complaining About People Talking About the Weather – People need to have something to talk about when they really don’t care about the person they are talking too. Mikey

Adam to Get Everything He Ever Wanted – Adam is a pretty awesome dude and I think he deserves to be really frakkin’ happy. I want him to have the stuff that makes him that way. Mikey

That’s not too much to ask for, right? So what do you want for Christmas?