Last month I announced that one lucky C&R reader would win 100 GRAND*! That’s right —
100 GRAND*! Woohoo! To win, all you had to do was submit a photo of the
ugliest thing that you own. Behold, the submissions (click to enlarge):
Art: A small art print that freaks the hell out of anyone that sees it as evidenced
by the continuous inquiries of “What the hell is that?”
Chair: This chair with green and gold eagles on white upholstery is
perfect example of mid ’70s interior decor!
Light bulb: Neon-orange creepy-looking incandescent light bulb that screams
mid ’90s German-techno-punk-just-rolled-off-of-Bjork-music-video-set-sex-toy.
Puppy: 21″ tall ceramic white poodle with a plastic jewel encrusted collar.
It sits next to my front door, which it guards with its fluffy ferocity.
Purse: I was in the local drug store when the purse caught my eye.
I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was hideous. I had to buy it.
T-Shirt: That is a whoooole lot of ugly. Except Kari.
Now it’s up to you to decide who wins. The poll will remain open until Friday around noon. One vote per IP address. Winner will be announced Sunday, prize will be mailed within 3 months of announcement. Good luck / Thank you / Congratulations / Whatevah!
*100 Grand refers to a single, standard size 100 Grand candy bar.
Let’s face it. Most of our readers beginning to look a little long in tooth. Some of you only have a few more good years before your insides dry up and begin to reject the idea of baby-making. It’s right time that we all started rubbing our nether regions together with the single goal of squirting out the next generation of bloggers, before it’s too late. Gay, straight, indifferent, not even human? I don’t care what you are! Start banging, because we need to procreate!
But which of us will create beautiful babies, and which of us will create horrible monsters, unlike the world has ever seen? Let’s find out! Using
a time traveling device the miracle of online baby face generators, I’ve taken a peek into the future to see what each of our offspring will look like. Here are the results:
How about the happily married wonder-couple of the blogosphere: Harry and Michelle?
They’d welcome this curly-haired little cutey!
Ever wonder what a Super-Michelle would look like? Let’s mate two Michelles and find out!
But I’m guessing that Polt would rather have an African American baby
with Craig, whose bushes he normally inhabits.
Mel is a veterinarian, so we’ve paired him with a bunny: John!
Their bestiality would unleash this little monster upon the world.David and David have the same name … so why shouldn’t they make a baby?
They’d have this ugly, cross-eyed, round-headed, little puffer fish baby.
Everyone’s favorite (non-Tam) Canadians, Kristen “The Kid” and Nathan.
What an … unexpectedly Asian baby they’d produce!
What kind of baby would Ryan have with his true love?
This one — presumably with delicious cream filling!
This round-headed little monster is the product of Jere and Chris D.!
Please be responsible parents and wash your kid’s dirty face!
Paul made FDot a little less pure when they got together and created this little joy.
The only perfect mate for Justin is the website, Wikipedia.
Together, they’d create this all-knowing, all-correcting, asterisk-loving little egghead.
And finally … let’s mate Craig with his beloved Super Viagra & Vagina Girl.
Or, seeing the results … maybe we shouldn’t.
So which is your favorite baby? Tell us who should mate (and who shouldn’t) in the comments!
Tired of sporting the same tired do? Stuck in a follicular rut? When you look in the mirror do you see nothing but dreckitude? Well, just like Tyra on America’s Next Top Model, I’ve decided to give you all a makeover to unleash your fabulous inner yous. And like Ms. Banks, I won’t be satisfied until I make one (or all) of you cry. So enjoy your fierce new looks and don’t forget to SMIZE, bitches!
What better way to play up Adam’s fiery ginger locks than with a big, beautiful ‘fro? It’s a hard knock life, but with “The Annie,” Adam is sure to attract all the sugar daddies. Better watch out Mr. Sombrero!
Have you heard that Ty and Mikey moved in together? Cute roommates deserve cute haircuts. With “The Bert and Ernie”* everyone will know these two belong together. *These hairstyles have been brought to you by the letters, C and R.
I was going to give our monkey lord “The God,” but I already did that. Since Craig’s other claim to fame is the Puntabuschlong, I thought it was only fitting I give Craig “The Rod.” And unlike Mr. Stewart, Craig will never have to ask, “Do ya think I’m sexy?”
Bald is sexy (I always say). Patrick Stewart, Boris Kodjoe, Elmer Fudd, Ziggy – all are bodaciously bare. It would be criminal to cover up Jere’s glorious pate, so I just enhanced it with “The Charlie.” Good grief, he looks hot.
I believe that among us, M. Nico has produced the most spawn. And so, “The Gosselin” seemed appropriate for this superdad. It’s all business up front and screeching harpy in back.
Chris D. is one wonderful, sensitive and thoughtful guy. But it’s the quiet ones you have to look out for. Let “The Anton” serve as a warning…
Kimi and I share a deep admiration for the host of tv’s Dirty Jobs, Mike Rowe. And what does every dirty boy need? A dirrty girl! With “The Xtina,” Kimi is beautiful in every single way. So don’t you bring her down.
As loyal C&R readers (all 5 of us) know, FDot continues to bring in the low scores on the Have You Ever?! quizzes. So to bring out his inner slut, he gets “The Snooki.” Now he’ll have lots of dirty secrets to hide under that poof.
VUBOQ, in case you didn’t know, stands for Vicious Unrepentant Bitter Old Queen. I thought I’d give VUBOQ a more subtle look by dialing down the vicious to a mere nasty. With “The Nellie,” those little hoes on the prairie don’t stand a chance.
Did you know that Mel wants to move to Iceland? I figured I’d help him fit in with the locals by giving him “The Bjork.” Not only are his new buns adorable, but they’ll keep his ears warm during the cold, Icelandic winters.
Paul sports a glorious swirl on the back of his head. It’s the source of all his power. Thanks to “The Gwen” his new front swirl makes Paul invincible. I wonder if he’ll use his powers for good or evil…?
John’s been coasting on the cute bunny thing for too long. All that fluffy fur needed to go. “The Hareless” gives john the cutting edge look that might make us believe that he really does have a cold, dead heart.
Have you seen this man with his shirt off? Hubba hubba. And I’ll throw in an extra hubba for good measure. David could be on the cover of a romance novel. With the flowing mane of “The Fabio” it won’t be long before Harlequin comes a knockin’.
What better look for Bossy, the Chairwoman and CEO of I Am Bossy than “The Trump”? This powerful hairstyle demands authority, respect and billions of dollars – and will stay in place through multiple firings.
Enrico has graduated from college! And will be heading to New York! How will the big city and its wicked ways affect Enrico? Will he remain innocent or not that innocent? With “The Britney,” we’ll never know.
This Firework is meant for fame and fortune. With the “Katy” Josh is sure to be everybody’s Teenage Dream, at least that’s what this California Gurl thinks.
When he’s not making cupcakes, Ryan’s some sort of smart scientist guy. With “The Albert” maybe Ryan will come up with that anti-aging elixir I’ve been waiting for. Get going Ryan! I’m not getting any younger.
I can only imagine that Mr. Sombrero must be a pretty easygoing guy to put up with Adam’s shenanigans. So to help him stay “mellow,” I gave him “The Marley.” Plus – new hat! And I took away his shirt. You’re welcome.
David from Blogography has a very bad monkey. He creates chaos and destruction wherever he goes. But BM’s victims will never be angry with David. With “The Betty,” all is forgiven. Seriously, who could ever be mad at Betty White? Everyone loves her! And now they’ll love David, too. No matter what his little hellraiser does.
Purple…sex… why, Polt and Prince are almost the same person. With “The Prince” Polt is ready to hop into his little red corvette, drive to erotic city, pick up some sweet young thing in a raspberry beret and give him a kiss and some HUGS…
Tam. Also Canadian. Also nice. And who is nicer than Doris Day? Probably lots of people, because she’s dead. Wait, is she dead? I’m pretty sure she is. Anyway, Tam was already sweet, but with “The Doris,” she’ll give you a cavity.
I was going to go against the “nice” stereotype and give the kid “The Lohan,” but I didn’t want to corrupt her. That’s Adam’s job. So Kristen gets to stay wholesome with “The Funicello” – even though she is too young to know who that is.
To be brief (unlike Justin’s comments) I gave Justin “The Asterisk.”
David’s a writer, with a penchant for horror. To keep him in the mood, I gave him “The Poe.” I’m sure his new look will inspire that blockbuster zombie flick. Don’t forget me in your Oscar acceptance speech, David!
“The Dolly”* allows Mush to be a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll. With her teased blonde hair, Mush can bring out the bubbly perkiness that lies within. *Boobs included.
When I think “funny,” the last person I think of is Bruce Vilanch. But he’s one of the most ridiculous and thus, just the ticket for the Infamous Dr. Para. With “The Bruce,” I’ve turned scary into approachable. Or maybe I’ve turned scary into horrifying…
Xi_Heather and TwoPi are two of the most intelligent people I’ve never met. Being so brilliant is exhausting (believe me, I know). So I’m giving their brains a much-deserved vacation from all that thinking with “The Chrissy” and “The Lloyd.” Derp.
Growing up, I wanted to be a Brady. With “The Jan,” I am one far out, groovy chick. Marcia wishes she looked this good. And Thindy can thuck it. Now if you’ll excuse my beauty, I have a hot date with my boyfriend George Glass.
I love fortune cookies. Not because they’re delicious or because they’re (sometimes) vegan, but because of the fortunes they contain. Every time I crack one open, I hope that it’ll be something like: “Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.” Now don’t get me wrong. I have no misconception that the fortune will actually come true, I just like to add “in bed” to the end of it. Read it again: “Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall … in bed!” Ha! Hilarious! And I recently came to the realization that I can do the same thing with some of your Cocky & Rude comments. Enjoy!
Happy New Year! Ugh, I must have heard that about ten million times at work on Monday. I’m so over 2011. Anyway…
Guess what? I came up with a brand new game that we can all play! It’s called WHAT ARE U DOING RIGHT NOW? and the rules are simple. Throughout a single day, I text message all the players a few times with the simple phrase: “WHAT ARE U DOING RIGHT NOW?” If they’re not too busy, they reply within five minutes with a photo and a quick description of what they’re doing. It’s that simple!
12:27pm EST – WHAT ARE U DOING RIGHT NOW?
3:14pm EST- WHAT ARE U DOING RIGHT NOW?
6:23pm EST- WHAT ARE U DOING RIGHT NOW?
8:08pm EST- WHAT ARE U DOING RIGHT NOW?
OMG our lives are so interesting! Don’t you just love us?! Think your life is more exciting? Want to play along? Email us your mobile phone number, and we’ll include you in our next game of WHAT ARE U DOING RIGHT NOW?