Tag Archives: Craiggers

Have You Ever…Been Polt’s Ass?

Hey, kids, Uncle Polt of Polt’s Palace here! Do to his obsession with Polt’s Ass, there’s no way Adam could focus long enough to do this post, even though I know he wants to. So I graciously decided to surprise him and do it FOR him! So here we go with….

Have You Ever…Been Polt’s Ass?

The rules: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.

Have you ever?!

1. Have you ever been white?
2. Have you ever been hairy?
3. Have you ever been flat?
4. Have you ever been used repeatedly in C&R posts?
5. Have you ever been plastered all over a July photo in a calendar?
6. Have you ever been masturbatory material for Craiggers?
7. Have you ever been deserving of your own regular C&R feature?
8. Have you ever had a $100 bill sticking out of an orifice?
9. Have you ever had an arm, hand and dumbbell thrusting out of you?
10. Have you ever been seen to be laying in the middle of a street?
11. Have you ever been a victim of a freaky obsession by the even more freaky Adam?
12. Have you ever been responsible, consistently, for an increase in comments on C&R posts?
13. Have you ever been slapped by Kris?
14. Have you ever been a reason why Adam will never get rich?
15. Have you ever been admired by someone instead of them watching the super bowl?
16. Have you ever been assumed to be the exact and total opposite, like a big power bottom, of what you actually are, like a butch masculine top?
17. Have you ever been dancing….ahem, cheek to cheek with Paul’s insanely cute boyfriend Travis?
18. Have you ever been a blog post tag on C&R?
19. Have you ever been called “award-winning” by Adam?
20. Have you ever been told you’d be a good thing to pee on?
21. Have you ever been the recipient of The 2011 Lifetime Achievement Cocky Award?
22. Have you ever had Rebecca Black sing a song about you?
23. Have you ever been the C&R fan favorite?
24. Have you ever been part of The 12 Days Of Whatever?
25. Have you ever been a consolation prize to someone if Michelle M. doesn’t win the lottery?

Now, try to pull your eyes away so you can total up your score and tell us what you got in the comments!

(A special Polt-thanks to Michelle M. for allowing me to have one of her Mondays, and another special Polt-thanks to Mikey, for posting this for so it could be a total surprise to Adam!)

HUGS……

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It’s The Cocky & Rude Match Game! (Part 2)

The Cocky & Rude Match Game: Part 1

Continue reading It’s The Cocky & Rude Match Game! (Part 2)

C&R Fight Club Round 2: Michelle M. vs. Captain Kirk vs. Polt!

Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND TWO!  The rules to the game are simple.  Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters.  We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind.  Then we’ll put the results to vote.  You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…


Each week of Round Two, we’ll drop three Round One winners into the ring and see who remains standing after a 24-hour Cocky & Rude Fight Club vote.  Today’s contestants are: Michelle M., Captain Kirk and Polt.

If you remember all the way back to April 14th, you’ll remember our first Cocky & Rude Fight Club battle, which pitted our beloved Michelle M. against the media mogul, Oprah Winfrey.  In the end, Michelle M. destroyed Oprah with 87% of the votes.

“After weeks of exhaustive training (imagining workout montages and putting on solid muscle fat) I feel I am ready for Round 2! I WILL avenge my darling Craig by K.O.ing the crap out of Kirk. He’s ancient and fat and his toupee and girdle will be his undoing. I think of Polt as a lover and not a fighter, so as long as I pay a few half-naked Asianswithhairthings to sit on the sidelines and distract him I am golden. Plus, I’m counting on the fact that Mama Polt taught her boy to never hit a lady. I AM TOO A LADY, SHUT UP! Anyway, if none of the above works, I will just unleash the Power of PMS. VICTORY IS MINE!!” -Michelle M.

In our shocking second Cocky & Rude Fight Club battle, Puntabulous’s Craig faced off against Star Trek’s Captain Kirk.  And in a shocking turn of events, Captain Kirk beat Craig with 52% of the vote.  Craig has the distinction of being the only real contestant in the history of C&R Fight Club to lose his battle against a fictional or celebrity contestant.

“Captain’s log, Star date 201108.18.  I’ve never trusted Polt and Michelle M., and I never will. I could never forgive them for the death of my boy.  Cocky & Rude Fight Club: the final frontier. These are the voyages of CAPTAIN MOTHERFUCK’N KIRK!!! My five-year mission: to destroy Polt & Michelle M., and win C&R Fight Club!! I  KHAAANNNN’T LOSE!!” -Captain James Tiberius Kirk

The third C&R Fight Club battle was a duel between the greatest queen that North America has ever seen and the United Kingdom’s actual Queen.  Polt easily beat Queen Elizabeth II to a bloody pulp when he earned 95% of the vote.

“Me versus Michelle M. & Kirk?  I should be worried right?  One is guy who defeated Craiggers and the other is Michelle M. (nuff said there, eh?).  But am i worried?  HELL NO!  Kirk doesnt bother me cause I know Battlestar Galactica kicks Star Trek’s ass any day of the week, so I’ll just channel some hard core Admiral Adama anger and take him right out!  And as for Michelle M., well no one wants to go up against her, do they, cause she’s so sweet and nice and Michelle M.-ey.  But I know the truth.  I know how to beat her: I’ll get a group of noisy kindergarten kids on one side of her and a tipsy VUBOQ with bottles of his homemade alcoholic creations on the other and then, while she’s distracted, I’ll just overwhelm her with the purpleness of my being!!!!  MWahahahahahaha!!!!   And if that doesn’t work, I’ll ask her very nicely, pretty please, with sugar and a cherry on top, to just lay down and pretend I beat her so that I don’t have to live with the embarrassment of being defeated by a woman smaller than the lower half of my right leg.    BRING IT ON, BIIIIIIIII-OTCHESSSSSSS!!!!!!” -Polt


Who will win in the battle of  Michelle M. vs. Captain Kirk vs. Polt?  There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.

Check back on Sunday for the results!

Thanks to Michelle M. & Polt for your assistance with this post!

Inside the C&R Studio

Have you ever daydreamed about being a famous star? Money, adulation, magazine covers, swag, critical acclaim, limos, red carpets, awards, casting couches, stalkers, plastic surgery, paparazzi, rehab – it all sounds so glamorous! But all this means nothing unless you’re invited to appear on Inside the Actor’s Studio. Well, just in case you hit it big and have to face James Lipton and his enormous stack of blue index cards, you should be prepared. So I asked you to answer the questions* that are always asked at the end of the show. Here are your answers:

*The questionnaire concept was originated by French personality Bernard Pivot, after the Proust questionnaire.

What is your favorite word?

Tam: Passel
Mark: Anthrax (love the syllables)
David G.: Door. I couldn’t possibly tell you why.
Polt: Eighteen…cause then, all the boys are legal  : ).
Craig: Nevertheless
Jere: Petunia
Mel: Most days it’s “fuck”.
Adam: Chuckle
Michelle M.: Silver
John: Cookie
VUBOQ: Martini
Mikey: Dinner
Nathan: Loquacious
FDot: Flibbertigibbet
Enrico: Arboretic
The Kid: Disrupting or fabulous
Paul: Hello
Ryan: Superfluous

What is your least favorite word?

Tam: The c-word. Can’t write it. HATE IT.
Mark: like (when not used as a verb)
David G.: Urinal. I can’t even type it without feeling icky.
Polt: I dont know sweetie…work? Boss? Gone? Yeah, Gone may be it, not for the word itself so much, but for what it can entail.
Craig: Macabre
Jere: Labia
Mel: Monetize
Adam: The r-word
Michelle M.: Ma’am
John: Familiarity
VUBOQ: Ironical
Mikey: Exercise
Nathan: lol
FDot: maybe
Enrico: The three-letter f word
The Kid: Moist
Paul: Discharge
Ryan: Marketable

What turns you on?

Tam: Humour
Mark: Intelligence
David G.: A really good kiss.
Polt: Younger guys. Asians. Hairthings. Younger Asian guys with hairthings! Oh, and Craiggers in a purple speedo. (did you really need to ask me this question?)  : )
Craig: Chest hair
Jere: Feeling sexy in someone else’s eyes.
Mel: Nice eyes
Adam: Laughter
Michelle M.: A sense of humor
John: Intelligence (and a hot ass).
VUBOQ: This may be weird, but the smell of some soaps on guys. Colognes, not so much.
Mikey: Honesty and a sense of humor
Nathan: Suits
FDot: Chocolate
Enrico: Intelligence
The Kid: A man in a suit
Paul: Bondage
Ryan: Short hair

What turns you off?

Tam: Bigotry
Mark: Loud brash voices
David G.: A really bad kiss.
Polt: Attitude. Someone who thinks they are more than they are or better than they are. Yeah, that’s a deal breaker right there.
Craig: Long fingernails
Jere: Lots of things, but I’ll start with the use of any body fluid used for sexytime other than semen.
Mel: Bad breath
Adam: when I’m taken for granted.
Michelle M.: Ignorance
John: Arrogance
VUBOQ: Feet
Mikey: Liars and bad smells
Nathan: Facial hair!
FDot: Annoying people
Enrico: Close-mindedness
The Kid: Dreadlocks
Paul: Sweat dripping in my eyes
Ryan: Smart phone addiction

What sound or noise do you love?

Tam: Wind in the trees rustling the leaves (not the willows)
Mark: A sustained note on a slightly distorted electric guitar
David G: When Typo (one of my cats) meows and yawns at the same time.
Polt: Honestly, a kid laughing! Whether it’s a baby giggling or a 7 year old laughing as he chases his brother. Always makes me smile.
Craig: The woods
Jere: Wind and rain outside my window
Mel: The foghorn on our local lighthouse
Adam: Cat’s purr
Michelle M.: A beautiful piece of music
John: Baby sneezes
VUBOQ: The crunching sound made when I’m walking through fallen Autumn leaves
Mikey: Air conditioning…humming and white noisy
Nathan: Bassoon! If that’s cheating, than the noise that the wind makes when it rustles the trees.
FDot: Ocean waves at night
Enrico: Adele’s voice
The Kid: Food sizzling
Paul: Rain falling on the roof of the house
Ryan: Male vocals harmonizing well

What sound or noise do you hate?

Tam: The sound of a spoon stirring liquefied ice-cream – instant gag reflex
Mark: A child chorus, singing slightly off-key
David G.: Any (and I do mean ANY) repetitive sound. It just grates on my brain.
Polt: My alarm in the morning!
Craig: Screaming children
Jere: Saturday morning labor (lawnmowing, construction, etc., before noon)
Mel: Motorcycles drowning out the foghorn
Adam: My alarm clock
Michelle M.: My alarm clock
John: The alarm clock
VUBOQ: Cardboard being cut
Mikey: Nails on a chalkboard or fire alarms
Nathan: The bird outside my window when I’m trying to sleep.
FDot: Fingernails on a chalkboard
Enrico: The sound of a bird’s beak as it attacks my window (every morning at 5am!)
The Kid: Mosquitos buzzing
Paul: Fran Drescher
Ryan: Squishy sploochy sounds

What is your favorite curse word?

Tam: Fuck
Mark: “Oh MAN!” (Once we had our first child, Heather and I trained ourselves not to curse, and it mostly has worked.)
David G.: Fuck. It is the most versatile word in the English language, after all.
Polt: Fuck. Although if I’m around polite company, I generally just use shit. And if *I* did something stupid, then it’s a hearty “Oh fuck ME!”
Craig: God damn it!
Jere: Justin Bieber’s Hairless Scrote!
Mel: See #1
Adam: fuck
Michelle M.: f*ck!
John: Fuck
VUBOQ: fork
Mikey: tit-wank (thank you Catherine Tate)
Nathan: You Gosh Darn C***
FDot: Goddamnmotherfuckingsonofabitch
Enrico: Avada Kedavra
The Kid: Firetruck
Paul: Cunt
Ryan: Bollocks

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Tam: Ballerina
Mark: Pro hockey (but I can’t even skate)
David G: Realtor.
Polt: Custom condom fitter? No seriously, if I had my pick, it would be a comic book writer.
Craig: Teacher
Jere: Playwright
Mel: Writing
Adam: I’d work for Ikea, assembling furniture for displays
Michelle M.: Billionaire
John: Artist
VUBOQ: Professional Potter
Mikey: Filmmaker…I aspire to be Christopher Nolan
Nathan: Novelist
FDot: Screenwriting
Enrico: Personal assistant to a celebrity (maybe Kina or Jojo)
The Kid: Uhh. I’m not employed, but being an astronaut would be fun.
Paul: Professional sugar daddy
Ryan: Economist

What profession would you not like to do?

Tam: Sewer cleaning
Mark: Restauranteur
David G.: Anything from the show Dirty Jobs.
Polt: Anything that makes me to physical labor outside, especially in the summer. Oh and anything involving heights!
Craig: Call center
Jere: Surgeon
Mel: Auto sales
Adam: Sales
Michelle M.: Soldier
John: Lawyer
VUBOQ: Anything to do with sewers or plumbing.
Mikey: Cess Pool serviceperson (see above re: smells)
Nathan: Anything where you just stand around and don’t actually DO anything.
FDot: Farmer
Enrico: Dentist
The Kid: Eww. A fisherman or exterminator.
Paul: Boy of professional sugar daddy
Ryan:Academic post-doc

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

Tam: “Juan and Felipe have your cocktails over there on the left by the pool. Have a nice stay.”
Mark: “Meow…prrrr.”
David G.: Girl, you just barely made it.
Polt: What I’d LIKE to hear him say is, “Welcome.” But what he’ll probably say is, “Huh? You? recheck the list!” : )
Craig: “You were a nice person, welcome.”
Jere: “Look, I’m as surprised as you are that I exist, and I know I’ve got a lot to apologize for…”
Mel: “I’m awfully me-damned happy to see you. These other angels are so! fucking! boring!”
Adam: You were right all along, I don’t exist!
Michelle M.: Relax. It’s all good – come on in!
John: We’ve been waiting for you.
VUBOQ: “This way to the Martini Lounge.”
Mikey: You sure tried to piss me off, didn’t you?
Nathan: Welcome?
FDot: Your family is over there.
Enrico: “Ke$ha is waiting inside for you.”
The Kid: “Follow the white rabbit”
Paul: “Your afterlifetime supply of Entenmann’s and young power bottoms are waiting for you.”
Ryan:You weren’t nearly as selfish as you worried you were.

Need to waste some time at work? Here is a Vanity Fair Proust questionnaire you can take to see which celebrity you have the most in common with. Mine were Barbara Walters and Kirk Douglas.

C&R Fight Club: CRAIG vs. KIRK!

Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club!  The rules to the game are simple.  Each week we’ll introduce our fighters.  We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses.  Then we’ll put the results to vote.  You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…


James Tiberius Kirk

Also Known As: Jim
Species: Human
Date of Birth: March 22, 2233
Place of Birth: Riverside, Iowa, Earth
Residence: Space, the final frontier
Rank: Star Fleet Captain, Admiral
Posting: Commanding officer, USS Enterprise & USS Enterprise-A
Hairline: Always receding
Weight: Always increasing

Arguably the most famous of the Starfleet Captains, the character of James T. Kirk first appeared in the original series of Star Trek, and later in films, books, comics and video games.  Kirk is known as an accomplished brawler and a ladies’ man.  He has been portrayed primarily by William Shatner and more recently by Chris Pine.  Kirk’s renown began by becoming the youngest captain in Starfleet to date at 34 and the first captain to bring his starship back relatively intact after a five-year mission, having also gained a reputation as an independent whose success couldn’t be argued even though he often bucked the system. He also has the distinction of being involved in 17 different temporal violations, a career record which still stands.


Craig Andrew M.

Alias: Bonkers, Craiggers
Species: Homo Superior
Date of Birth: November 8, 1981
Age: 29
Place of Birth: “His Mom”
Residence: East Islip, NY
Relationship Status: In a relationship with Natalie Portman, “his wife”
Occupation: Butch Construction Worker, Puntabulous.com Blogger
Weight: “Skinnier than you”

Arguably the most famous blogger on the Internet, Craig M. takes his fame in stride.  His blog, Puntabulous.com boasts a loyal band of readers, informally known as “Puntabupeeps” and “dancing monkeys.”  A self-proclaimed geek, Craig splits his time between blogging, writing (unpublished) novels, reading Star Wars novelizations, watching way too much television, and his true passion: intensely watching lots and lots of Internet pornography.  Craig looks forward to soon moving out of his parent’s house with “his wife” Natalie Portman (a cardboard cutout). We’ve never seen any evidence that Craig can handle himself in a fight, but after intense mathematical calculations, we at Cocky & Rude are predicting a 87% probability that he’ll just run away.


Picture in your mind a battle of these two worthy opponents. Both enter the ring, but only one will leave. Will Craig defeat Captain Kirk by bashing him over the head with his mythical puntabuschlong? Or perhaps Captain Kirk will whip out a phaser and blast the puntabuschlong right off? That’s for you to decide. Who will win in this battle of Captain versus Craig? We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent!


We’ll let you know which fighter wins this round of Cocky & Rude Fight Club on Sunday at noon!