Tag Archives: Cock

It Came From POLT’S ASS!












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Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3: Week 5

Our fourth week is complete! Today our contestants celebrate four weeks into the cockiest and rudest weight loss competition evahhhh! It’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3!

Our dieters have accomplished nearly a month dieting. Have you wondered what they miss the most?  This week we asked each contestant what from their plumper days they miss the most? Is it food? Laziness? Or something else? Here’s what they said:


Michelle M.
Other than the metabolism of my youth, the thing I miss most is junk food (chocolate and chips, mostly). I can hardly wait until it’s time to donate blood so I can have a guilt free snack afterwards. I hope they have mini powdered donuts…


Polt
Okay, so this week it’s “What Do I Miss Most?” Well I didn’t really give up anything for the challange, but last week, my doctor put me on a low to no carb diet. So what do I miss? FREAKING CARBS!!! I miss pizza, bread, chips, pasta, donuts, potatoes, corn, peas, fries, buns, rolls, subs…oh God, I swear there was moment Monday when I would have given my left nut for a hot buttered roll! As Shakespeare said, “A cruller, a danish, my KINGDOM for an eclair!”


TwoPi
I miss not thinking about whether to buy something my mouth wants to eat. I miss not reading the nutrition labels on packaged foods. I miss giving in to my spur-of-the-moment cravings when I’m doing the grocery shopping. (I do, however, like that slightly smug feeling when I manage to walk down the junk food aisle and don’t give in, don’t put anything in the cart.) I miss not feeling like I’m at war with myself over food.


Ryan

I don’t miss beer (I still drink it) so much as I miss being able to drink without thinking about the calories. At this point, I’ve given up drinking outside of a social context. Enjoying a beer at home just isn’t worth making room for the calories. I also miss snacking. Chips or nut mixes tend to be too much of a bother when you have to measure out portions. It would also be nice to have supper be determined by what I feel like eating more than what will balance out what I ate during the rest of the day.


Tam
I miss desserts. I got in a really bad habit in early 2012 of eating dessert far too often. All kinds, cake, cookies, pie, ice-cream, it didn’t seem like a meal unless we had dessert. Since my trip I have only had the occasional Girl Guide cookie (which I faithfully recorded). I have passed on donuts, ice-cream and other baked treats. Now when I’m craving something I usually end up having a pudding cup or a jello/fruit cup. Both around 100 calories. I like both, but they’re no triple threat chocolate cake. I was super good this last week and got a crappy number. Oh well, means next week will be high right?


Mikey
I miss nothing other than ice cream at the moment. Sure it’s only early spring, but I can always eat ice cream. It’s my favorite dessert of all time. And I haven’t had any in months. Poor Mikey!


Mr. Sombrero
I try not to deprive myself of delicious foods. I keep it in moderation and decrease the intake.
I did replace unhealthy snacks with nuts and fruits. The trick is to completely banish unhealthy foods from your surroundings so one does not fall into temptation in the time of crisis. I do find myself dreaming of Twix PB bars.


Adam
Nearly a month ago, I gave up two foods that are awful for you. Those foods? Mustard and pickles. I miss them so much!  Mustard and pickles are commonly known as the most fattening foods on the planet. By avoiding only these foods, I will slim down to the size of an Olsen twin.  I miss them greatly, but it’s worth it!


And now the week’s results:

Stay tuned each Thursday for the stunning weight-loss success stories of our eight contestants. Who will win this year’s competition? Find out on May 31st … just in time for bikini season!

It’s the 2011 Lifetime Achievement Cocky Award!

Before we bid farewell to the 2011 Cocky Awards, we have one final award to hand out.  Today, on the dawn of 2012, let’s join together to appreciate our final award recipient.

The 2011  Lifetime Achievement Cocky Award winner is none other than … POLT’S ASS!

With this award, we at Cocky & Rude pledge to always appreciate its nakedness, whiteness and utter flatness.  Thought it is true that Polt’s ass has been the butt of many jokes here at Cocky & Rude, we also acknowledge that as bloggers, we respect and admire everything about it.  And fear not — just because Polt’s ass has earned the 2011 Lifetime Achievement Cocky Award DOES NOT MEAN that we will retire the image in any way.  We at C&R will strive to do Polt’s ass justice as we move forward into the future.  Congratulations: Polt’s Ass.  You truly earned it.

Now please stand as the 2011 Lifetime Achievement Cocky Award runner-up, Rebecca Black, performs an original composition to the tune of her smash single, Friday, entitled: Polt’s Ass.


POLT’S ASS   (written by Adam, performed by Rebecca Black & Friends)

















Congratulations to Polt’s ass and all of the 2011 Cocky Award winners!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Spring’s Piss Puddle Game!

What’s up, assholes?  Spring here … bringing you another round of your favorite C&R Game: Spring’s Piss Puddle Game!  Lately it’s hard to get some privacy around the litter box, what with Adam always hanging out in the bathroom with his camera.  Usually he’s taking photos of his rather unimpressive junk, but every once and a while he takes a photo of one of my piss puddles.  Here’s one of my latest masterpieces.  Tell me what it looks like in the comments.  If you don’t … I’ll hunt you down and scratch you to bloody little bits with my razor-sharp claws.

 

Hello From Sandy Hook, NJ!

Not too long ago, Mr. Sombrero and I took a day trip to beautiful Sandy Hook, NJ.  It was an unseasonably warm spring day — the perfect for both of us to play hookey from work take a weekend trip to the Jersey Shore.  And since it was so early in the season, we didn’t see any fist pumping Guidos!  Just a few leather-skinned bodies and a bunch of senior citizens taking in the sights.

Sandy Hook is an erect peninsula, thrusting itself into the Atlantic Ocean towards Staten Island and Brooklyn.  It’s part National Park, part military base … and completely covered in phallic symbols.  (A portion of the bay is even named Spermaceti Cove!)

Here’s the lighthouse at Sandy Hook.

Here’s some old missiles.

Here’s a cannon and some cannon balls.

And here’s a sign that says “cock” on it!  And while I was busy taking signs of phallic symbols and signs, I also had time to pose for a few photos.

Here I am defying death and standing in a Hazardous Conditions Area.  Don’t I look scared?

And here I am telling passers by that my back door area is closed due to extremely hazardous conditions.

Sandy Hook is covered with crumbling structures from past military bases.  Some were constructed during World War II to defend our region after the attack on Pearl Harbor.  And others …

…were ERECTED a bit earlier!  Ha!

It was a nice clear day, and we could see all the way to the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge from the northern tip of the peninsula.

After dragging Mr. Sombrero all over the place and forcing him to take photos of me in silly poses, he became upset and kicked over a portapotty.  He demanded that we go spend some time on the nearest beach, which just happened to be a…

NUDE BEACH!!

After being fully warned that we’d see some p33ns and vajayjays, we entered the beach.  Luckily it wasn’t required that we stripped down to perfectly sculpted bodies, so we both wore burqas.

It was not a crowded day at the nude beach, and we only saw few ancient dangling sausages and saggy chesticles.  Lots of nudies seem to erect little fabric fences around themselves to keep some sense of modesty while they lay around in their saggy leather-skinned bodies.  It also wasn’t the warmest day … so some people (like the man in these photos) stayed warm by wearing a red windbreaker and no pants.

Mr. Sombrero was a little chilly!  (I know you’re all jealous of the sunglasses that I loaned to him!)

Aren’t we totally adorable?!

Okay, I lied.  I did whip out my tree bark-covered p33n-log just long enough for Mr. Sombrero to snap a photo.  Who needs ‘the motion of the ocean’ when “lil Adam” makes me look like a tripod?  And check out my vacation-themed red boxers!  Mr. Sombrero is a lucky, lucky man!

After some time on the beach, we took a little more time to pose for some photos, and then headed home.  But just when we thought that our fun day was drawing to a close…

We found a bowling ally!  We played two games…

And I destroyed him both times!  WINNING!  (But at least he’s consistent…)

I hope you all enjoyed our fun day as much as we did!

Silver Surfing the Internet: 10 Suggestions for Seniors with Computers

I realized a few weeks ago that from a certain spot in my parking lot, I can see my landlord’s computer screen.  I was so excited!  I couldn’t wait to see what kind of porn (girls? boys? horses? fatties? fisting?) that he was into.  But after a few weeks of spying, I’ve come to the realization that all he ever does is play solitaire.  He’s exactly like my father, and most of the other old people (40+) that I know.  The computer is simply a new way to play card games.

Old people, I’m here to help you. There are better things to do with your computer!  The Internet is a wide and wondrous place.  Here are some suggestions to get you started…

E-mail Your Friends & Family
Why?  Because it’s cheaper than a toll call! (Old people usually don’t believe that free in-network mobile phone calls are actually free.)  You’ll especially enjoy forwarding bad jokes, religious stories, hoaxes that you are convinced are real, and sharing photos with your family.  Please note that old people usually don’t attach photos to an email correctly, so receivers will never see them.

Chat With Your Family
Instead of emailing, why not just IM them?  There are a variety of options: Google Talk, AIM, Yahoo! Messenger, etc.  Each one of them is easy to use and won’t time out when you only type about one word a minute.  Where is the ‘s’ again?  I’m sure your family is patient and won’t mind that you type so slow.  Oh, and Skype is out of the question, because old people will never understand how to set up a microphone and web cam.

Catch Up On The News
You’re old, so you’re probably a Republican.  The best news site for you is FoxNews.com!  They offer a  fair and balanced version of the news that’s usually not exactly true, but true enough to get you all riled up against those damn liberals!  Your favorite person, Sarah Palin is even on the payroll!  Check daily for the latest on how heath care reform will cause you to be instantly euthanized and up-to-the-minute information about how Barack Obama was not born in the United States.

Stay On Top Of The Weather
Old people love the weather.  A chance of rain or snow is enough of a reason to stay home for days.  And when you don’t have much left to live for, it’s important to know the temperature highs and lows for the day.  Make sure to send daily emails to your kids and grandkids, reminding them to wear a coat today!

Porn, Porn & More Porn!
Old people’s penises and vajayjays are saggy and old.  They wrinkle up like prunes (which on a side-note, are great for avoiding constipation!) and drag on the ground.   Don’t get me started on wispy gray pubic hair.  It’s just disgusting.  Porn is a great way to remember how your body used to look.  And what better place to find porn than on the Internet?

It’s Hookup Time!
And why stop at porn?  The Internet is a great place for old people to find romance or just hook up with other old folks.  And with the advent of Viagra and Cialis, old guys never have to worry about under-preforming and stage fright.  eHarmony.com is great if you’re looking for romance (and they don’t let the queers in either!), but sites like AshleyMadison.com are great if you’re just looking to bang some old married people, and still make it home in time for Wheel of Fortune.

Print Out Some Coupons
The only thing better than sex is saving money.  And with websites like Coupons.com, you don’t even have to worry about hobbling with your walker to end of the driveway to pick up the newspaper anymore.  You can sit on your Duro-Med Rubber Inflatable Seat Cushion Ring and print coupons straight from the computer!  As long as you can figure out how to use that damn printer!

Google Your Favorite Subjects
You’re old, so you’re probably all about history (because you were there when it happened).  Why not Google your favorite topics?  I suggest searching for topics like “World War I” or “Back when I had a pet dinosaur.”  Or why not just use Google as an address bar?  Wanna go to FacebookSearch for “Facebook.com” or why not try searching Google for “Google.com”?  Old people LOVE to do that.

Map Your Family Tree
Old people love reconnecting and remembering their long lost relatives.  Why not use a site like Ancestry.com to map a family tree?  Or how about Classmates.com to find a few of your still-living classmates?  Both sites cost money, and for some reason, old people are surprising willing to pay for these services.  Just don’t be there a month later when the credit card bill shows up.  They’ll have that foamy pad on the telephone speaker pressed hard against their hearing aid as they scream at the credit card company representative to take the charge of their bill.

Stalk Your Family On Facebook
Facebook, you say?  That’s where I disapprovingly look at photos of my grandson Adam jamming vegetables down his pants.  He thinks it’s funny.  I think it’s disgusting!  Old people love stalking their family on Facebook.  They’d stalk their friends too, but they’re all dead.

Old people are great, and they love computers.  With this helpful list, hopefully they can make the most out of their final few years on the planet.  Do you have any suggestions of your own?  Add to my list in the comments!

Endowment Issues


Friday means fun here at Cocky and Rude. And what is more fun than penis, cock, schlong, one-eyed bishop or whatever you choose to call it. If there is one thing that people focus on when it comes to the p33ns, it is their size. As this informative graph indicates, there are certain lengths and girths that are deemed acceptable and pleasurable to the women who responded. I’m confident that men who respond would have similar responses. It should come as no surprise then that there are a number of reputable companies selling equipment, medication and techniques to increase the size of the willy.

Take PenisPlus+ for example. Sure the image on their homepage looks more like a sex toy than a medical device, but they have conducted a very scientific test study. The don’t give you any statistics about the number of people who participated in this study, but it does show that the product works on men of different ages and original penis sizes. I’m sure that all of these men were happy to report that their penis had indeed grown if it meant they could stop wearing that damn thing for 8 hours a day.

Then there is another product with a similar name. It is called Peniplus. The makers of Peniplus have realized that the issue of having too small or narrow a penis might not be something that they can fix. However, what they can do is give any man an additional penis. Watch their informational video before you judge!
http://www.youtube.com/v/c-3nOLTI26U?fs=1&hl=en_US

I don’t know about you, but if I’m looking to add another penis to the mix I would have a threeway or go to a sex shop and buy a dildo. No medication! No Fuss! Just fun!