1. Clip your toenails.
2. Organize your grocery store coupons.
3. Admire Polt’s ass.
4. Twiddle your thumbs.
5. Stare at the wall.
6. Watch the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet.
7. Read a book.
8. Watch The Notebook to balance out the world.
9. Organize a box of Fruit Loops by color.
10. Call all your butch friends who are watching the Super Bowl, just to chat.
11. Roll pennies.
12. Watch paint dry.
13. Clean out your closet.
14. Stuff everything that you took out of your closet into another closet.
15. Alphabetize your DVDs.
16. Comb your back hair.
17. Go shopping.
18. Clean out your refrigerator.
19. Replace the batteries in your smoke detectors.
20. Clean the dead bugs out of your ceiling lamps.
21. Make sure that everything hanging in your home is perfectly level.
22. Tweeze your eyebrows.
23. Catch up on Glee.
24. Look up naked women on the Internet and ponder why vaginas are just so damn disgusting.
25. Actually read one of those m/m short stories that Tam is always reviewing.
27. Watch grass grow.
28. Play solitaire.
29. Add hundreds of pointless life events to your Facebook timeline.
30. Organize your porn.
36. Bake and decorate a cake.
37. Plan your future wedding.
38. Go grocery shopping (the store will be EMPTY).
39. Re-read every C&R post and comment on all of them.
40. Actually visit Our T.V. Night (because no one ever does).
41. Build a sex machine.
43. Compose a C&R guest post and email it to Adam.
44. Learn the beautiful art of flower arraigning.
45. Drink alcohol until you pass out.
46. Lick the black mold that’s growing on your bathroom wall.
47. Clean your house.
49. Go see a movie.
50. Dream up 50 more things that you could do instead of watching the Super Bowl.
Special thanks to Mikey and Craig for their assistance with this post.
This week the California lottery mega millions jackpot was $116,000,000. It dawned on me that if I won, I could do some holiday shopping for my bloggy friends. So after some careful consideration I made out my ChristmasHanukkahKwanzaaWhatever list. So keep your fingers crossed that I win* and you just might find the following under your treemenorahmkekawhatever. And because there’s a slight chance I might not win, I came up with some alternative gift choices to give you.**
(Click to enlarge any of the photos)
If I forgot anyone, let me know in the comments, and I’ll find a regift in the garage for you.
So, hopefully, I will be the next megamillionaire, but know that if I’m not I’ll be wishing you all health, love and happiness in the New Year and always.
*It might help if I bought a lottery ticket.
**Just kidding, I’m not getting you anything at all.
Sex, copulation, coupling, fornication, mating, relations, banging, screwing, shagging, hanky panky, funny business, making whoopee … and fu¢k!ng. The Kinsey Institute says that “By their late teenage years, at least 3/4 of all men and women have had intercourse, and more than 2/3 of all sexually experienced teens have had 2 or more partners.” And since most of us have done the deed by now … today we’re going to talk about where we’ve done it. You know the rules: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.
1. Have you ever had sex?
2. Have you ever had sex in a bed?
3. Have you ever had sex in a hotel room?
4. Have you ever had sex on the floor?
5. Have you ever had sex in a kitchen?
6. Have you ever had sex in a closet?
7. Have you ever had sex in a bathroom?
8. Have you ever had sex in a basement?
9. Have you ever had sex in an attic?
10. Have you ever had sex in an office?
11. Have you ever had sex in a friend’s house?
12. Have you ever had sex in a store?
13. Have you ever had sex in a movie theater?
14. Have you ever had sex at an amusement park?
15. Have you ever had sex at a bar?
16. Have you ever had sex in a restaurant?
17. Have you ever had sex in a school?
18. Have you ever had sex in a swimming pool?
19. Have you ever had sex on a beach?
20. Have you ever had sex in a tent?
21. Have you ever had sex outside?
22. Have you ever had sex in a car?
23. Have you ever had sex on a boat?
24. Have you ever had sex on a bus?
25. Have you ever had sex in an airplane?
26. Have you ever had sex in a camper or RV?
27. Have you ever had sex on a train?
28. Have you ever had sex at a park?
29. Have you ever had sex in a parking lot?
30. Have you ever had sex in the sleeper cab of an 18-wheeler truck?
Tell us the truth. Come
all over the place clean.
Tell us your total in the comments!
I’ve spent the last four days in a constant state of motion. On Thursday and Friday, I took vacation days from work and met two of my real-world BFFs in the Lancaster, PA area. One of my BFFs is getting married in a few weeks, so she decided that she wanted to live it up and get wild … in Amish country. Then on Saturday, Mr. Sombrero and I spent the day in New York City, where we checked out two Tribeca Film Festival movies. And finally on Sunday, it was a morning of
Easter Zombie Jesus Day festivities with my family and then an afternoon of relaxing spring cleaning! Here’s some photos from my crazy weekend:
Wednesday night I spent 45 minutes at the self-service car wash, vacuuming up every spec of dirt, dust and sand on the inside and scrubbing away all of the dirt on the outside of my car. Thursday morning I was greeted by a dozen blobs of avian diarrhea on its hood and roof. Ugh. (That’s my landlord’s truck and half-dead bush in the background.)
Not too far from Lancaster is Adamstown, PA. That’s where I found Adam’s Antiques! I never knew that I had an antique store … but with my never-ending energy and obsessive work ethic, it doesn’t surprise me that my antique store is open 7 days a week.
In another antique shop I discovered this super-creepy Donny & Marie costume (I bet that every kid wanted one of these!). I was a little surprised that the manufacturer chose not to go with the more common phrase, “flame retardant” and instead chose to use … that other word. (click photo to enlarge)
On the second day of our trip, my friends and I visited Intercourse, PA. Here’s a photo of me making a duckface next to the sign.
The word “Intercourse” just makes everything funny!
Here’s just one of the many horse and buggies that got in my way as I was trying to speed down the streets of Intercourse in my shit-covered car.
When I finally got home on Friday, I was greeted by Spring and her three perfect pee pee puddles. Is it weird that I took a picture of this? Yes, yes it is.
While I was snapping photos of urine clumps on Friday, Mr. Sombrero attended a Tribeca Film Festival screening of Angels Crest, which starred Kate Walsh (she used to be on Grey’s Anatomy, but now she’s on that other show), Jeremy Piven (I loved him when he was on Ellen, but now he’s just a douche), Mira Sorvino (meh) and Thomas Dekker (John Connor in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles AND he was gay and then not gay and then gay again or something like that … on Heroes). Here’s a shot of the stars on stage during the post-movie Q&A session. (click photo to enlarge)
Here’s Kathy Gilleran, the subject and voice of Gone.
From the TribecaFilm.com: This gripping confessional documentary becomes an outlet for a mother to tell the heartrending story of her search for her missing son. Kathy Gilleran, a retired police officer from Ithaca, New York with 20 years under her belt, received a phone call on October 31, 2007. It was from the UN Industrial Development Organization in Vienna, Austria, where her 34-year-old son, Aeryn, was working. He had disappeared. In Gone, Gilleran shares her personal journey, putting together pieces of what happened, only to have them fall apart again. Talking directly to the camera for most of the film, her articulate manner draws the viewer into her quest for the truth. Mixing in footage she shot while searching for Aeryn in Vienna, she speaks about the frustration with the local police and an investigation full of holes. Like any loving mother, Kathy perseveres—through dead ends, contradicting reports, and signs of homophobia when Aeryn’s openly gay life came into question. Gone will most likely leave many wanting more answers—the same answers Kathy wants.
I was SO jealous that Mr. Sombrero saw famous people without me on Friday… so my eyes were peeled all day. I may have had stars in my eyes, but I think I saw Connor Paolo (Serena’s gay little bro on Gossip Girl) on the subway and I think I passed Hamish Linklater (the Julia Louis-Dreyfus character’s brother on The New Adventures of Old Christine) in a crowd of people outside our second screening. Oh, and a member of the festival’s jury, J.D. Heyman sat next to me during the first screening — I googled him, and it looks like he’s a managing editor for People magazine.
Mr. Sombrero insisted upon snapping my photo next to this “I’m Shady” poster.
And I insisted upon him snapping a photo of me tongue kissing one of the sexiest ladies ever: Madea. Check out my impressive tongue length!
And here’s a photo of an adorable little subway rat! I called to it, but it refused to come any closer to me.
On Sunday, in celebration of Zombie Jesus Day, I decided to snap a few photos of the pretty flowers that are growing all over my landlord’s property.
I think that this is a daffodil or something.
This one’s a ginger.
And then I decided that it’d be a good idea to clean out the giant closet in my kitchen. Most people would probably use it as a pantry or something, but I use it more like a shed. It’s where I store my bike, my tools (I’m handy!), my window-unit air conditioners, computer parts & wires, and some other odds and ends. This photo would be far more impressive if I had taken a ‘before’ photo …
…but you’ll just have to use your imagination. Imagine this heap of paper & cardboard recycling in assembled-box-form, filling the entire closet. Or maybe you can’t even see my mountain of cardboard because you’re blinded by my wallpaper (which is still ugly). Either way, just believe me that it was a disaster. And now it’s organized! Yay!
So that was my way-too-busy 4-day weekend. What’d you do?
Have you been naughty or nice during the holiday season? Today’s Christmas-themed Have You Ever?! quiz is going to find out. You know the drill. For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points, and post your total in the comments section.
Have You Ever…
1. Have you ever regifted a holiday gift?
2. Have you ever forgotten to buy someone a gift?
3. Have you ever tried to wear a Christmas stocking?
4. Have you ever actually been happy to receive a homemade gift?
5. Have you ever purchased all your Christmas gifts on Christmas Eve?
6. Have you ever thrown a Christmas gift that you received in the trash within 24 hours of receiving it?
7. Have you ever (in your adult life) ever been so excited that you couldn’t sleep the night before Christmas?
8. Have you ever consumed eggnog?
9. Have you ever consumed so many Christmas cookies that you barfed?
10. Have you ever gotten so drunk that you blacked out and missed Christmas?
11. Have you ever cried on Christmas?
12. Have you ever broken up with someone on Christmas?
13. Have you ever kissed someone under mistletoe?
14. Have you ever made a naked snow angel?
15. Have you ever done something dirty with a candy cane?
16. Have you ever had sex under a Christmas tree?
17. Have you ever came out of the closet to a family member during the holidays?
18. Have you ever lied to children so they’d go to bed early on Christmas Eve?
19. Have you ever dressed up as Santa?
20. Have you ever sat on Santa’s lap just to feel the warmth?
21. Have you ever sat on Santa’s lap and felt a happy erection below you?
22. Have you ever had sex with someone dressed in a Santa costume?
23. Have you ever been sexually attracted to someone in an elf costume?
24. Have you ever slid down a chimney?
25. Have you ever gotten stuck in a chimney and died? And then a few days later your family smelled your rotting corpse and realized that you hadn’t just run out on them during the holidays?
Have you been a good little boy or girl? Tell us the truth! Post your score in the comments.