Tag Archives: Camera

Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3: Week 11

Our tenth week is complete! Today our contestants celebrate ten weeks into the cockiest and rudest weight loss competition evahhhh! It’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3!

As we begin the 11th week of BC&RL3, we take a peek at somewhere BC&RL has never gone before … into the cupboards! Much like our ‘in the fridge’ week, this week we take a look inside each of our contestant’s cupboards, pantries, or wherever they’re storing their non-refrigerated foodstuff.  Check it out!

Our pantry is a converted broom closet. The top two shelves hold liquids (olive oil, vinegar, key lime juice, Thai fish sauce, etc…), while the next two shelves are mostly canned goods (lots of pineapple, tuna, various soups, tomatoes, etc….) The lowest shelves (mostly off camera) have non-food items, such as trash bags and various food storage items. I mostly use the stuff on the top two shelves; the rest of the pantry mostly consists of forgotten items lost in the transition from grocery bag to dust bin.

This could be called my Carb Cupboard (sorry Polt). This picture shows it tidier than it sometimes is, and messier than at other times. The top shelf is carb heaven – pasta, noodles, mac & cheese and rice; second shelf is canned goods and things like drink mixes; third shelf is breakfast stuff – cereal, juice (and ice-cream toppings – not so breakfasty); fourth shelf is snacks – crackers, chips, popcorn, little fruit cup thingies for lunches; bottom shelf is trash bags, light bulbs and potatoes. There is a shelf above you can’t see, but it is empty juice jugs, vases and booze. Ahem.

Mr. Sombrero
All I have are spices and shit. I’m going for the win. Vote for me in The Messiest A** Pantry – 2012. Yeah, no comment.

Most of my non-refrigerated food is in these three cupboards. The others contain some spices and extra dry goods. Note the supply of oatmeal, raisins, and cinnamon ready for breakfast.

So this week, we’re talking what’s in our cupboard. In my cupboards all I have are dishes, glasses, Tupperware, that sorta stuff. I do have a pantry, but I use that for storage purposes. And I have a series of shelves in the cellar way, but they only contain some cans of soup, green beans, spaghetti-O’s, fruit salad, some salad dressing and a lonely can of tuna. Most of my non-refrigerated food I just store on my counter top like so: cereal, popcorn, peanut butter, whole wheat bread, spray cheese, sugarless caramels, Pringles, and Crystal Light. I don’t eat the pathetic looking plant there, I’ve had Janis for about ten years, longer than any plant I’ve ever had.

You can see that I keep my kitchen cabinets better stocked than the fridge. That is influenced by the fact that I am obsessed with having every possible spice on hand in case it ever comes up in an exotic recipe. AND I DON’T HAVE THEM ALL YET. You can also see healthy olive oil on one shelf and brown rice on the other. See…I am trying.

Michelle M.
We have a tiny cupboard. Here’s what’s in it.
1. coffee (for Harry) tea and hot chocolate
2. canned vegetables and beans
3. nuts, popcorn, raisins, nuts and emergency chocolate
4. rice, pasta, lentils, Asian noodles
5. bread, soup, vegetable and chicken broth
6. cooking oils, hot sauce, pasta sauce, peanut butter
7. cereal, granola bars, pretzels, crackers
8. baking stuff
9. Harry’s breakfast fixings (oatmeal and stuff to make it taste good).

Left top: teas, oatmeal, olive oil. Left middle: Emergen-C, random ingredients, soy sauce, pepper oil, balsamic vinegar. Bottom left: lots of spices and seasonings. Top right: flour, rice, sugars. Middle right: Indian food, raisins, Maggi noodles, lentils, popcorn. Bottom right: canned veggies, sauces and vitamins.

And now the week’s results:

Stay tuned each Thursday for the stunning weight-loss success stories of our eight contestants. Who will win this year’s competition? Find out on May 31st … just in time for bikini season!


NSFW: Have You Ever… ?!

Did you know that May is National Masturbation Month? I didn’t either … but Tam told me! Before you go celebrate … how about a quick Have You Ever Quiz?

The rules are simple: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.

Have You Ever… Masturbated?!

1. Have you ever masturbated?
2. Have you never masturbated?
3. Have you ever masturbated while looking at pornography?
4. Have you ever masturbated while looking at National Geographic magazine?
5. Have you ever masturbated in front of a computer?
6. Have you ever masturbated while watching the news?
7. Have you ever masturbated in a shower?
8. Have you ever masturbated in a bathroom?
9. Have you ever masturbated in a bed?
10. Have you ever masturbated in a bath tub?
11. Have you ever masturbated in a kitchen?
12. Have you ever masturbated in public restroom?
13. Have you ever masturbated in a car?
14. Have you ever masturbated into a sock (or other article of clothing)?
15. Have you ever masturbated into a toilet?
16. Have you ever masturbated into a tissue or paper towel?
17. Have you ever masturbated while using a sex toy?
18. Have you ever masturbated in a moving vehicle?
19. Have you ever masturbated while at work?
20. Have you ever masturbated in a movie theater?
21. Have you ever masturbated at a strip club (or similar location)?
22. Have you ever masturbated on camera?
23. Have you ever masturbated with or in front of another person?
24. Have you ever masturbated with or in front of 2+ people?
25. Have you ever masturbated in your neighbor’s shed?

Now finish spanking your monkey and tell us the total in the comments!

Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3: Week 7

Our fifth week is complete! Today our contestants celebrate six weeks into the cockiest and rudest weight loss competition evahhhh! It’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3!

Last week we took a look at a single meal that each of our contestants submitted. This week we’re taking a look inside each of their refrigerators. Just what are they hiding inside? We’re about to find out!

In my fridge are a wild and crazy assortment of take out food products. With Ty away for work, I have indulged my inner bachelor with all the food ordering options Brooklyn has to offer. Please note the half eaten piece of carrot cake (gross) and the assorted condiments that I save from my meals and eventually throw out.

Apparently I’ve found a time machine, and managed to reverse what little progress I’d made so far in the competition. Time to reassess and regroup for next week. As for the fridge… From the top going down, reading left to right: We store cereal, dishwasher detergent, and pain medication on top of the fridge. I didn’t open up the freezer, but had I done so, you’d see ice cube trays and assorted frozen fruit, a few kinds of frozen pasta (ravioli mostly, for my kids mostly), and coffee grounds stored in the door. On the front of the freezer: a few photos of friends and their children, various coupons and papers, and fridge magnets, including our Puntabulous Memorial Magnet. Top shelf of the fridge: On the left, mostly jars, mostly condiments. On the right, beverages, primarily half-gallon glass bottles of milk, from a local dairy, and some fruit and veg juices. Next layer: cheeses (in the drawer), eggs (and dyed hard-boiled eggs in the cardboard container) Lowest shelf: Strawberries, apple sauce, juices, and some leftovers in the white bowl with blue lid. (Chicken and veg stir fry, if memory serves me correctly). Low bins: various shredded cheeses and tortillas on the left, various vegetables on the right. Door: The obligatory collection of salad dressings, steak sauce, and other random condiments, butter in the butter bin, random adult beverages on the lowest shelf.

So this week, we’re doing our fridge photo. Mine is now filled with stuff on my diet: meat (steak, sausages, ham) and salad stuff (lettuce, carrots, celery, cheese, hard boiled eggs, etc) and plenty of condiments (ketchup, A-1 Steak sauce, several different kinds of salad dressing). The yogurt’s been there a few weeks, too many carbs for me to eat too often. Diet Coke. Oh and that bottle of wine’s been there since before Christmas…have to find just the right time to drink that.

A lot of the food here is actually my roommate’s, especially in the freezer. My single serving ice creams are just off camera in the freezer door. The other items of note are the blue containers filled with the beans that I cooked last night ready to be taken with me to work.

My fridge is usually filled with pretty healthy stuff, lots of cheese products, meats, fruits, veggies and things for lunches like juice boxes, pudding, fruit cups, etc. Also lots of random stuff like pickles, salad dressing, condiments. And usually leftovers of some kind, we always seem to have leftovers.

Mr. Sombrero
Yeah, there’s mostly veggie and dairy action goin’ on in my refridge. Some soy and hummus goodies in between. And no, that’s not dried up poop, that’s a ginger root. Also, some cat food for Mr. Mini Sombrero.

Michelle M.

This is pretty much how the fridge always looks. Missing are containers of leftovers. I cook “real meals” about twice a week. Other nights we eat leftovers. The two nights a week Harry plays hockey, I usually have soup or rice. Weekends we go out for dinner or scrounge around in the cupboards. The container in the back is ground flax seed (which I always forget to sprinkle on stuff). The beer is Harry’s, I drink the zinfandel. Other stuff you see are condiments, salad dressing, salsa (is salsa a condiment?), applesauce, fruit, veggies, salad, assorted juices and water, butter (boo!) and soda (boo!). Pretty healthy for the most part. I’m glad Adam didn’t ask for a picture of the freezer. That’s where the thin mints, tater tots and ice cream live.

I admit it: My fridge usually isn’t this empty. I usually go grocery shopping on Sunday, but since last Sunday was some random Christian holiday, my grocery store was closed. So this week I’m just going to starve! Here’s what I have… Freezer door: frozen corn, peas, broccoli and Brussels sprouts. Freezer: frozen pitas and English muffins, 2 leftover frozen black bean burgers, and ice cube tray storage. Fridge door: ketchup, jelly, a few miscellaneous condiments, iced tea, seltzer water, almond “milk”, garlic, and a giant bottle of Arrogant Bastard Ale that I got for my birthday (last July). Fridge: basket containing 3 apples, water, mozzarella-style vegan cheese, leftover pizza sauce, hummus, 2 whole wheat pitas, tofu, tempeh, and a bottle of diet root beer (hiding behind the water) that I can’t drink because I stopped drinking soda. Woohoo!

And now the week’s results:

Stay tuned each Thursday for the stunning weight-loss success stories of our eight contestants. Who will win this year’s competition? Find out on May 31st … just in time for bikini season!

A Holiday Gift Extravaganza!

This week the California lottery mega millions jackpot was $116,000,000. It dawned on me that if I won, I could do some holiday shopping for my bloggy friends. So after some careful consideration I made out my ChristmasHanukkahKwanzaaWhatever list. So keep your fingers crossed that I win* and you just might find the following under your treemenorahmkekawhatever. And because there’s a slight chance I might not win, I came up with some alternative gift choices to give you.**
(Click to enlarge any of the photos)

For Tam – A luxury yacht to go island hopping and a membership to the Man of the Month club.

But if I don’t win she’ll have to settle for a toy boat and a framed photo of Polt’s ass.

For Jere – Marvel Entertainment. And I’ll throw in DC for good measure. Maybe he can do something about a Wonder Woman movie…

If I don’t win, he’ll have to stick to lawyering, so a booze hiding law book might come in handy.

For Craig – a centipede-free mansion in San Diego, so he can hang out with me (all the time)!

But the odds aren’t good, so a can of bug spray and some ear guards will have to do.

For Paul, a starring role in the upcoming Star Trek film and one of those back end movie deals where he makes mega-bucks.

But should I not win the jackpot, an Enterprise scratching post for Whitey will have to suffice.

For Ryan, I will pay off his student loans. He will also get one of these nifty cupcake cars and a lifetime supply of gas.

But if I remain a big old loser, he’s going to have to make do with this cheery little painting.

For my darling VUBOQ, a house with a pottery studio, a fully stocked walk in closet and all the gin his liver can take.

But if I don’t win, he’s getting a sparkly shoe and a jar of olives.

Lucky Mel will finally get to make lopapeysu all day in his Iceland dream house.

Unless I lose. Then he gets ice cubes and a ball of yarn.

Heather and TwoPi both like math, which is completely crazy. So I’m going to set them up with lifetime psychiatric therapy.

But if I don’t win, they will receive Godzilla pajamas, slippers and a toy city they can take turns destroying.

Adam will also get a house in San Diego and will finally find a Lexus with a big red bow in his driveway.

If I don’t have the winning numbers, though, he’ll receive a boob mug and a copy of The Vagina Monologues.

Mikey gets a wine shop. And a cheese shop.

Unless I lose. Then he gets a box of wine and a 99 cent bag of Cheetos.

For Polt, a purple palace filled with Asians with hairthings.

If I don’t win, our favorite stalker gets a fake nose and glasses and a pair of binoculars instead.

For my favorite duo, Joshrico, I’d  buy penthouses and limos. Fame, fortune and the paparazzi are sure to follow.

But if I’m not the next lottery winner, I might be able to pay this guy to follow them around for an hour with his camera.

There’s always that one person on your list you have no idea what to get. For me, it’s M. Nico.
He’ll just have to settle for a gift card from Amazon.

Unless I don’t win. Then he gets fruitcake.

Mush gets a mansion, her own record label (I quite like the name “Mushtones”) and a kick ass tour bus so she can tour the country (and visit me, of course).

But if megamillions are not in my stars, she’ll be unwrapping Mr. Microphone.

Fdot watches a lot of movies, so he’ll need a mansion with a state of the art, luxury home theater.

If I lose, he’ll receive Jiffy pop and a DVD of the “best worst movie ever made” Troll 2. Featuring such classic scenes as the following:

Chris D. is excited by space, so I’ll send him there in his very own rocket.

If someone else wins my money he can pretend to be in orbit with these stick on ceiling stars.

David P. will get the VIP treatment with front row seats to any play/musical in the world. Free meals at any restaurant included.

Life does not always (or ever!) go my way though, so David can put on his own shows with these nifty finger puppets and afterward have dinner at McDonald’s.

Justin loves maple. So he will get one of those fancy million dollar log cabins in the middle of a maple tree forest.

Unless my numbers are off. Then he gets a bottle of imitation maple syrup.

I would pay all of john’s bills and buy him a house and an art gallery so he could quit his stupid job and concentrate on his art.

If I don’t win, a big bag of rabbit chow is just the ticket.

I would buy the Kid the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Or a Sidney Crosby bobblehead (if I’m doomed to a life as a non millionaire).

David G. is getting a first class ticket to Hollywood and his own studio. Those zombie screenplays of his will finally be up on the silver screen for me to enjoy.

But should I lose, here’s a t-shirt.

Nathan will get a private jet to fly him around the world.

Or this book of paper airplanes. Not winning the lottery sucks.

Ty will get that $250,000 Jeopardy money he should have gotten in the tournament of Champions.

But if I don’t win, a ceramic Dalmatian from the Old School Wheel of Fortune is just as good.

Mr. Sombrero already has Adam, so obviously he doesn’t need anything else.

I do have a lot of peanut butter left over from the taste test, though…

If I forgot anyone, let me know in the comments, and I’ll find a regift in the garage for you.

So, hopefully, I will be the next megamillionaire, but know that if I’m not I’ll be wishing you all health, love and happiness in the New Year and always.

*It might help if I bought a lottery ticket.
**Just kidding, I’m not getting you anything at all.

Montreal Vacation: Part 1

Last week, Mr. Sombrero and I traveled to the great country of Canada!  We had a great time in Montreal, hanging out with Tam & The Kid, seeing all of the sights, taking a day trip to Quebec City, sampling the local cuisine, making fun of the French-speaking locals, and partaking in all of the other great things that Canada has to offer.
Here are some of the highlights…

Mr. Sombrero stole an idea from Tam’s future NYC trip and opted for a short-term apartment rental in Montreal. For less than the cost of a hotel room, we had a spacious apartment with a full kitchen.  Oh, and there was a bowl of potpourri that I quickly fashioned into a pair of penises.

Here’s The first day that we were there, we hung out with everyone’s favorite Canadians: Nathan and The Kid! … And Tam!  The lady that took the photo of the group apparently couldn’t figure out how to take a photo with my camera, so I stole this photo from Tam’s site.

Canada has a chain of health food stores named Rachelle-Bery.  Not to be confused with Rachel Berry from Glee.
The new season of Glee starts tonight! Woo!

Canada is perfect in every way, they even have Subway restaurants!

While we were there, we got to see a little of the Montreal Grand Prix bicycle race.  Damn those bikes go fast!

The Montreal Tam-Tams are a drum circle based in Montreal, Canada. The free event gathers thousands of drum players, dancers, vendors and visitors, every Sunday, at the George-Étienne Cartier Monument in Mount Royal Park. The Tam-Tam festivities start at 1 pm and continue until sunset. Tam-Tams, or simply “tams” as they are sometimes called by locals, began in 1978 and over the years have become one of the main tourist attractions of the city. It’s basically a giant group of pot-smoking hippies, banging on drums and dancing in a cloud of marijuana smoke.

Here’s a parking kiosk with some colorful graffiti.  Clearly that artist didn’t read my post.

At one restaurant that we went to, I was known as an “Ultra Vegetarian” — how cool is that?

In Canada, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups aren’t possessive!  How weird!

On our second day, Mr. Sombrero and I took an Amphi-Bus tour around Old Montreal.  Here’s a view of Molson building from the river.

Here I am making a creepy face.  Check out my awful ginger ‘do!

In Old Montreal, they discourage swimming in the fountains.

Here’s a shot of the Notre-Dame Basilica in Old Montreal.  Ooo pretty church!

The prices for stuff in Canada is all sorts of whack.  There’s a comma where a decimal point should be!  And the dollar sign is on the wrong side!  WTF?

On our second day in Montreal, we took the metro to the other side of the city.  It was the cleanest metro station I’ve ever seen!  A minute after snapping this photo, the entire station was evacuated due to some sort of emergency.  (It was all in French…)

We eventually made our way to Montreal’s Olympic Park where I made friends with this cute little kitty.

Our first stop in the Olympic Park area was the Montreal Biodôme.  Here’s a photo of of a Capybara, the largest living rodent in the world.  How freak’n cute is that giant rat!?

Here’s a photo of me getting my arm bitten off by an alligator!  Sadly, it’s not the first time.
And odds are, it’s not the last.

My arm was not enough to satiate that awful beast!  Next it bit off Mr. Sombrero’s head!  Egads!

And finally, here’s some penguins.  Because really, who doesn’t love to watch the penguins?

Are you bored yet?  Too bad!  My vacation photos continue tomorrow!

Adventures in Philly

Over the Memorial Day weekend, Mr. Sombrero and I ventured to the great city of Philadelphia.
Here’s a quick look at some of the fun we had…

Our first stop was Eastern State Penitentiary. “Eastern State Penitentiary was once the most famous and expensive prison in the world, but stands today in ruin, a haunting world of crumbling cellblocks and empty guard towers. Known for its grand architecture and strict discipline, this was the world’s first true ‘penitentiary,’ a prison designed to inspire penitence, or true regret, in the hearts of convicts. Its vaulted, sky-lit cells once held many of America’s most notorious criminals, including bank robber ‘Slick Willie’ Sutton and Al Capone.”

You can walk through most of the crumbling prison, occasionally accompanied by your audio tour guide, Steve Buscemi.  Above is a look down one of the two-story cell blocks.

Lots of the cells are crumbling away…

But some of them have been restored enough for you to go inside.  Don’t I look like I’m working on a movie set or something with all the crap that’s hanging around my neck?

And here’s Al Capone’s jail cell — which was more luxurious than any other cell in the entire prison.

After being released from the Penitentiary, we walked over to the Philadelphia Museum of Art.  We didn’t go inside (because art is boring), but we did snap a few photos of the steps that Rocky made famous.

Across the street is a big metal fountain.  Here’s a photo of me pretending that I’m not burning my ass off on hot metal back of this deer.

Here’s Mr. Sombrero getting up close and personal with a bear.

And here I am getting my arm bitten off by a ferocious metal alligator.

Later that day, we checked out Philadelphia’s China Town.  Here’s the famous Friendship Gate.  I defied death and stood in the middle of the street to take this photo.

The next day we checked out this big old bell with a crack in it.  I think it’s famous or something.

Here’s some doofus in front of the bell.

Here’s Mr. Sombrero look’n too cool fer school.

And here’s that doofus again, hanging out with Elvis.

Mr. Sombrero and I had a fun weekend in Philly, but it was way too quick!
I hope you enjoyed this peek into our vacation.

Have You Ever … Done it on the Net?!

Are you upset that you didn’t win a trophy in yesterday’s Cocky Award presentation? Here’s your first chance to up your average score and take a step towards the win in 2011!

Computers. Many of us sit in front of them for many hours a day. We use them to work, to design, to create, to update and to calculate. But have you ever used your computer to facilitate your physical pleasures? Let’s find out. For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point . When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points, and post your total in the comments section.

Have You Ever…

1. Have you ever used a computer?
2. Have you ever looked at pornography on a computer?
3. Have you ever been sexually aroused by looking at pornography on a computer?
4. Have you ever masturbated while looking at pornography on your computer?
5. Have you ever had virtual sex in an online video game?
6. Have you ever had cybersex in a web chat room?
7. Have you ever had cybersex over instant messenger?
8. Have you ever lied about your gender or age while having cybersex?
9. Have you traded explicit text messages with someone else using a mobile device?
10. Have you ever sent an explicit photo of yourself to someone else’s mobile device?
11. Have you ever received an explicit photo of someone else on your mobile device?
12. Have you ever had audio-only sex (like phone sex) over Skype or another Internet voice service?
13. Have you ever watched someone masturbate on camera while video service (like Skype or Chatroulette)?
14. Have you ever masturbated while someone else watched you via a video service (like Skype or Chatroulette)?
15. Have you ever gone on a date with someone that you met through a social networking site (like Facebook)?
16. Have you ever gone on a date with someone that you met through a dating website (like Match.com)?
17. Have you ever gone on a date with someone that you met through a blog (like Cocky&Rude)?
18. Have you ever had sex on the first date with someone you met through a dating site or blog?
19. Have you ever entered into a relationship or married someone you met through a dating site or blog?
20. Have you ever hooked up or had anonymous sex with someone that you met through a personals site (like Craigslist)?
21. Have you ever hooked up or had anonymous sex with a group of people that you met on the Internet?
22. Have you ever hooked up or had anonymous sex with someone that you met while using a mobile application (like Grindr)?
23. Have you ever purchased sex from someone that you met on the Internet?
24. Have you ever sold sex to someone that you met on the Internet?
25. Have you ever masturbated to any of the photos or videos featured in last week’s Have You Ever?! quiz?

Now post your total points in the comments so we can all judge you!