Tag Archives: bow

I Don’t Want To Hold Your Hand

According to Wikipedia, handshaking was practiced in ancient Greece as far back as the 5th century BC. And some researchers have suggested the handshake may have been introduced in the Western World by Sir Walter Raleigh during the late 16th century.

Either way, handshaking is gross and I don’t want to do it.
Just thinking about where people’s hands have been makes me cringe.

Germy!

Slimy!

Eeeew!!

Probably didn’t wash their hands!

A clammy, limp handshake is disgusting. Plus, pandemic anyone? Did you know that you are only 6 handshakes away from dying a horrible, excruciating death? Here is a chart, so it must be true.

I move that we find another way of acknowledging each other and abolish handshaking altogether. But what form of greeting should replace the handshake?

The highfive? I would still have to come into contact with a sweaty palm. No thanks.

The fistbump? Touching is still involved. Pass.

The salute? Too formal.

A curtsy? Too fancy schmancy.

A bow? Not bad – but Asian people might think I’m mocking them.

The airkiss? Too phony.

A hug? Fine for friends (or Polt), but if I don’t want to shake your hand,
I certainly don’t want to hug you.

So what does that leave?

It’s the perfect solution. It’s friendly, yet allows one to keep one’s distance.

It works for all ages – from the littleuns’…

to the tweens…

to the oldz.

All the cool kids do it.

As well as human rights leaders,

and deities.

So next time someone wants to shake your hand, avoid that moist, grimy mitt.
Lock and load and fire off those fingerguns!

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Those Were The Good Old Days…

Every day when I was young (and wasn’t at school) we’d eat lunch at 11am.

We’d watch The Price Is Right.

It was glorious!  But then at 12:30, my mother would force my brother and I to go outside and play!

We’d bitch and complain.  Sometimes we’d cry.  Being outside was awful!  There were no television outside!
No video games! But my mother would ignore us.  Cuz it was time for “her show” (Days of our Lives).

Once we were resigned to the fact that we’d be stuck outside until 2:00,
we would do a variety of things to pass the time.

Sometimes we’d hang out in my tree house.  Please note that my tree house was way crappier than this one.

Sometimes we’d play in the stream behind our house.

Sometimes we’d ride big wheels down hill in our backyard and try to avoid all the trees.

Sometimes we’d build forts in the woods.

Sometime we’d beat each other with sticks until one of us cried,
and then spend the rest of the time begging the crier not to tattle.

Sometimes we’d shoot arrows straight up into the air and run away
as fast as we could before it fell back to Earth and stabbed one of us to death.

But most of the time, we’d just get filthy and wet.  Then at 2:00, my mom would yell at us and make us
take baths before we resumed our indoor afternoon of television and video games.

Awww those were the good old days.  Then I got old and everything went to shit.

Tell me one of your childhood memories in the comments!