Tag Archives: books

Biggest C&R Loser 2013


Welcome to the 8th week of Biggest C&R Loser 2013! This year we’ll be keeping all of the results and placings secret until the end of the contest. We’ll also be pooling our cash to award the 2013 winner the largest prize we’ve ever awarded … a whopping $40!  This week’s theme is “TEMPTATION” – Everyone is tempted by something (food, laziness, sleep) when they should be eating healthy and exercising.  What tempts the contestants?  Let’s find out!



So this week, it’s Temptation. My biggest temptation is: Gay Porn. ‘Well DUH!’ I can hear you all saying now, but I mean as it relates to this contest. See, if I give in to the temptation of the uncounted amount of gay porn on the Internet, then I spend time watching that and NOT out walking. And after watching gay porn, I’m generally in need of replenishing my…energies. So I eat. And usually it’s snacky-stuff, that’s not healthy for me. So if I could resist the gay porn, I could be exercising more and eating better. …..but yeah, we ALL know that ain’t gonna happen.



My temptations are books, I’m either reading one (Don’t ya love my snazzy red e-reader?) or writing one and Chapman’s oatmeal cookies and chocolate ice-cream sandwiches. But they were on sale. How could I not buy them? I’m just a lazy ass all around. I should be up doing something useful and energetic, but I’d rather surf the net and do reading-type stuff. Which would explain why there is no way in hell I am winning the $40.



I’ve mostly been eating what I want. I’ve gotten over my cravings for sweets (fairly easy) and for salty snack foods (harder). But what I’m so so SO tempted by is caffeinated coffee. My physician took me off caffeine last summer, and I’ve been successful staying off. But man, when I get behind on grading papers, get up early to get work done before the kids wake up, and I’m sipping my third cup of decaf wondering why it isn’t doing it for me…dang. I’ve been jonesing for caffeine pretty badly lately.


Lately I’ve been tempted to actually lose weight. I’ve been considering a visit to the gym. I’ve even thought about counting calories. Maybe I’ll actually succumb to the temptation!!

Michelle M.


What tempts me? My inner child. Grown up me knows she should eat right and exercise, but my inner child is quite the little temptress. What she says pretty much goes.



My number one temptation is take out. Living in NYC it is sooooo easy to order anything to your door, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you will eat well. At least once a week I am tired enough to think about ordering…but my brain denies it.

Mr. Sombrero


I get tempted so easily. Mostly by peanut butter and anything else that starts with the word, “Reese’s.” Late at night when I’m watching Chelsea Lately, I think that should be exercising. Instead, I just close my eyes and imagine that I am Mena Suvari in American Beauty, being showered with rose petals. Except that it’s me instead of Mena, and I’m being showered with jars of PB. And then I get hit in the head and wake up. Then it’s time for bed.

Picture 7



My biggest temptation is eating delicious quick unhealthy foods. I’m a sucker for pizza. Making healthy choices is more expensive and more work, and I’m just lazy I guess.


How I Ruined Craig’s Life


This past week I have been sick, sick, sick. I haven’t been this sick since I taught preschool (where I got sick on a weekly basis). The sickness started with chills, fatigue and nausea and a fever. Then the coughing started. So I went to the store, got some cold medicine, came home and conked out. Being sick stinks. Sure, you get to stay home and laze around, but you can’t really enjoy it if you’re coughing up a lung. There are some things that make it bearable, though. Here are a few of mine:

Canada Dry Ginger ale with ice (or 7up in a pinch, but not Schweppes, that stuff is nasty)

Clean sheets

Orange Popsicles (the ones made with real juice)

Granny Smith apple slices

my hot water bottle

Saltine Crackers

Homemade chicken noodle soup

A stack of library books


Honey Lemon cough drops (cherry is disgusting)

I don’t have one of these, but it would certainly come in handy…

And a little TLC

Those are some of the things that make me feel better when I’m under the weather. What makes you feel better when you’re sick? Would you rather have someone take care of you, or do you like to be left alone? Let me know in comments!

Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3: Week 2

Our first week is complete!  Today our contestants celebrate one week into the cockiest and rudest weight loss competition evahhhh!  It’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3!

Everything is easier if there’s a goal & prize in place.  This week, the contestants were invited to tell us what they will do to reward themselves when they attain their weight-loss goals.  Here’s what they said:

My mid-range goal is to lose 10% and be able to maintain that weight loss. I’m hoping to feel healthier, have better flexibility, and be able to see my doctor without having her recommend yet another fad diet. Most importantly, I don’t want to have to buy new clothes in larger sizes than what I currently wear. So I guess the prize I’m working toward is keeping my current wardrobe intact!

My goal is to look hotter than this bitch on my wedding day.  I know that’s  tall order, but everyone knows I’m a bigger queen than she will ever be.  I’m on my way there, too!  Despite four events for Ty’s birthday (including one with a 24 course meal), I managed to lose weight this week.  I’m attributing it to the flop sweat that broke out due to my extreme anxiety during planning the parties!

Mr. Sombrero
My goal is to lose 11% in this round so I can fit into my old pantalones again.

Michelle M.
Like Tam, My goal is to fit back into my jeans. I have been wearing the same pair (or sweats) for I don’t know how long. I refuse to buy more in a bigger size when I have plenty of good ones in my closet.

Hmmm. I thought about goals. New clothes? Well, that could be a necessity. Books? Ha! That’s a given. So I decided for every 10 lbs I lose I shall buy myself a lovely bouquet of flowers to remind me of what I’ve achieved. And how many bouquets do I get this week? Blerg. Thanks to traveling and eating out and receptions and booze and pastries … NADA. But I’m home next week where I can get back on the wagon, really. I think I will print out a nice flower pic and paste it to my fridge when I get home. Maybe it will help. One can only hope.

When I attain my weight-loss goal, I’m going to get a tattoo. Not as extreme as that guy … just something small on my right forearm. I’ve always wanted a tattoo, and this motivation is as good as any finally man-up and get it. Oh, and maybe I’ll go back to being a vegetarian. I’ll reward myself with tattoos and cheese!  But not a tattoo of cheese.

Whenever I reach a weight milestone, I’m rewarding myself with music. It both motivates me to stay on course with my diet and exercise and makes sure that I put thought into what music I buy. I’ve shown a few options in my photo. PS – I’m pretty sure most of this week’s weight loss was the release of excess water and glycogen from my liver that built up from the conference the weekend before we started.

So I’m supposed to talk about my “Personal Goal Prize”. Hmm, well when I win the competition, I will have lost enough weight and firmed up enough to be able to wear one of these babies! I’m not sure WHERE I’d wear it, but that’s beside the point, cause looking like that, I’m sure I’ll find no shortage of places that would WANT me to wear it! And I do hope the pouch comes in various sizes, cause I’m gonna need a bigger pouch.

And now, the week’s results:

Stay tuned each Thursday for the stunning weight-loss success stories of our nine contestants. Who will win this year’s competition? Find out on May 31st … just in time for bikini season!

My 2012 Resolutions

Now that 2011 is drawing to a close, it’s time to make resolutions for 2012! Now, I could make my usual resolutions – lose weight, exercise, finish that novel, go back to school… but why bother. Word is it’s the end of days! So I’m going to live large and make this year count. Here are my 2012 resolutions:

January – I’m going to Disney World!

February – I’m going to eat VATS of mashed potatoes and gravy.

March – I resolve to stay in bed, read books, watch DVDs and eat tons of junk food.

April – I’ve always wanted to drive across country, and this is the year I’m going to do it.
I’ll make sure to see all my bloggy friends in between trips to see the largest ball of twine,
carhenge and big holes in the ground.

May – I’m going to hang out in the sewers with Britney and keep on dancing til the world ends.

June – On second thought, who wants to hang out in a stinky sewer? Ever since watching
The Love Boat
, I’ve always wanted to go on a cruise. I plan to eat, drink, read,
lay out at the pool, and eat and drink some more.

July – I resolve to island hop, enjoy tropical drinks and work on my skin cancer.

August – La Tomatina! Buñol, Spain has a huge tomato fight every year. I am totally there.

September – I’m going to hang out in Santorini, Greece. Soaking up the sun and eating.

But now that I think about it, I have no idea how the world is going to end. Maybe it won’t
be complete devastation from a pandemic, solar flares, a black hole or asteroid collision.
Maybe it will be a robot uprising, the rapture, or even worse – Zombies!

Maybe I better rethink my resolutions in case I’m stuck on this miserable,
god forsaken, zombie-ridden planet.

October – I better get in fighting shape, so I resolve to lose weight and exercise. sigh.

November – Since I’ll be stockpiling weapons, I better learn how to use them.

December – Several trips to Costco will be in order so I can fill up my hidden
bunker by the lake in the mountains. Bring it on zombies.

So there you have it. My 2012 resolutions. What are your resolutions?
Are you ready for the zombie apocalypse? Let me know in the comments!

The Five Vacation Bests

Adam and Michelle’s friendly five divided by two post last week inspired me to explore the math of the amazing number five. I know you have come to love (or loathe) my awesome super fantastic five videos to watch posts, but I’m getting tired of them. Luckily I was just on vacation and I was inspired to write the five best things about vacation and the five worst things about coming back from vacation. That’s the good news. The bad news is that you will have to wait an entire week to read all of these things because like any good blogger I have divided them up into two posts to make my life easier. So without further ado, I give you the five betterest best things about vacation.

Ok. So I know that I have been a strong advocate for banning summer all together. Something about the fact that I sweat and cry whenever the temperature gets above 50 degrees outside makes you wonder why I would say something zany like the sun is awesome. But when you are on vacation, you sit on the beach reading a book in the sun. This is inherently awesome. It combines my geekiness with my laziness. Score!

Some people take a vacation and don’t make their brains do anything. I take a vacation and allow my brain to go into hyperdrive. I don’t even read beach fluff or anything; I go hardcore and read four relatively deep books. I loved it! Sure some people would think reading about poverty, abuse, Nazis and sexual repression are terrible things to read on the beach. Thankfully I am not them.

Not having to get up to go to work has its benefits. The primary one being that I get to sleep like it is the weekend all the time. Yet unlike the weekend wherein I sleep in and then pay for it on Monday morning, I got to relax and just enjoy a prolonged period of getting up when I god damn feel like it. This is the superb.

When on vacation, I take the chance to eat anything and everything. I go highbrow and lowbrow with my caloric intake. You might recall that my beach vacation is well known for the consumption of cheese balls, but you probably didn’t know that we added a new cheesy concoction to the mix: Combos! After all that faux cheese, I also enjoyed real cheese on sandwiches and tacos and in lasagna. I also ate the most magical food ever: Hush puppies. Yay!

I have been blessed to be able to go on a few trips recently. Between Jeopardy!, the cruise, and the beach vacation there has been one common thread: good company = an amazing time. Spending time with the people I love doing the four things above (not all of them with all of them) is one of the most amazing things I could have ever expected.

That’s it folks. My vacation was so awesome that I had to write about it. In a week you will remember this fondly as we trudge through why vacations ending is like the apocalypse. Until then, share your thoughts on my vacation bests and some thoughts about your vacation bests, too!

C&R Fight Club: RAGGEDY ANN & ANDY vs. MEL!

Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club!  The rules to the game are simple.  Each week we’ll introduce our fighters.  We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses.  Then we’ll put the results to vote.  You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…


Date of Birth: Raggedy Ann was created in 1915 as a doll and first appeared in a book in 1918.  Her brother, Raggedy Andy first appeared in a book in 1920.
Place of Birth: the mind of Johnny Gruelle
Hair Color: bright red
Current Residence: The playroom
Relationship Status: siblings
Occupation: friendly dolls
Height & Weight: probably less than a pound each
Hobbies: singing, dancing, playing, adventuring, being nice
Favorite Yarn Color: bright red
Favorite Yarn Creation: each other!
Favorite Outfit: dress & apron; sailor suit & hat
Favorite Author: Johnny Gruelle
Favorite curse word: darn!

Raggedy Ann and her brother Raggedy Andy are fictional characters created by American writer Johnny Gruelle (1880–1938) in a series of books he wrote and illustrated for young children.  The two siblings have appeared in countless books, a few television cartoons, and a feature film since 1918. Raggedy Ann and Andy are considered to be in the public domain, and there are countless versions of the dolls — both mass-produced and handmade in existence.  In an unofficial C&R poll, we found that every grandmother in the United States owns at least one of the dolls.  While you may think that these two unassuming dolls are weak and defenseless, you are wrong.  Their secret weapons include a constant smile in the face of opposition, black dead button eyes, an army of countless clones (ready to hold your grandma hostage at the drop of a thimble), the willingness to cannibalize your clothes for body parts, opposable thumbs on mitten-style hands, and the utter lack of a soul.


AKA / Alias: Cabezalana
Date of Birth: 02 Apr 1969
Place of Birth: Newberry, SC
Hair Color: Brown
Current Residence: Kittery Point, ME
Relationship Status: Gay-married with furchildren
Occupation: Veterinarian and Bringer of Doom
Height & Weight: 5’11” & less than Kirstie Alley
Hobbies: Knitting, Dreaming of moving to Iceland
Favorite Yarn Color: Blue
Favorite Yarn Creation: My Icelandic lopapeysu
Favorite Outfit: Jeans & t-shirt, except when I wear my kilt
Favorite Author: David Sedaris
Favorite curse word: Fuck

Everyone’s favorite yarn-loving veterinarian from Maine is none other than Mel!  C&R asked Mel for a few fun facts about himself, and here’s what he had to say: “I’m obsessed with eating enough fiber, I once pulled porcupine quills out of Stockard Channing’s dogs, I have never sent anyone a pic of my junk, I love spicy foods, drinking alcohol gives me a headache (which is why I only drink really good beer), buying lottery tickets at the 7-11 is one of the most lowbrow things I do, and I’ve been an ovolacto vegetarian for over 16 years.”  His secret weapons include a kung-fu grip, quick tweeting fingers, a southern charm, razor sharp knitting needles and a seam-ripper, and top-notch culinary skills with a specialty in kickass salads.

Who will win in the battle of  YARN PEOPLE vs. YARN LOVER?  Will Raggedy Ann & Andy tag-team Mel and hold his elder relatives hostages?  Or will Mel stab the smiling siblings with knitting needles and tear them apart?  There’s only one rational way to decide which fighter will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want.That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.

Check back on Sunday for the results!

Thanks to Mel & Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!