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Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3: Ryan Wins!

This is it!  The final week is complete!  Today we reveal the winner of Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3, the cockiest and rudest weight loss competition evahhhh!  But before we make it official and name Ryan as the winner, let’s check in with our contestants one final time and find out how they’re doing.  How do they feel about the contest?  Are they proud or disappointed?  Would they do it again?  Here’s what they had to say, in order of Rudest Loser to Biggest Cock:


MR. SOMBRERO: 8th Place, RUDEST LOSER!
It’s been quite a ride. I’m nowhere near the goal I set for myself but I did manage to lose few tiny pounds of blubber. I think I would be better at it if I didn’t have to write all these weekly updates 8-/ (was that the right emoticon for rolling eyes? Anywho, I will continue ‘participating’ even after this contest is done so maybe by the next round I’ll be more disciplined. And now, if you’ll excuse me, imma go celebrate with señor Cuervo.


POLT: 7th Place!
So this is then, the Final Week. Comparing this with my first photo, you can see I lost the weight, but kept all the skin. *SIGH* What did I think of the contest? Same as the others, although it was fun to check each week and see how everybody else was doing. Would I do it again? Sure why not? I’ve been in all three of them so far, right? Why not a fourth, if there is one? And how did I do? Well, I didn’t lose as much weight as I wanted, but then again, weight loss has always been a secondary goal. I’m on the diet to get my blood sugar under control, per the doctor. And I won’t know how successful I was at that until the middle of June when I get my blood work results. But at any rate, it was fun, congrats to everyone who did better than me (which I presume is everyone else), and I’ll see ya all again in the fourth contest (if there IS one).


ADAM: 6th Place!
I managed to lose of bit of weight during the course of BC&RL3, but overall I’m fairly disappointed with myself. I had hoped to jump start a significant weight loss and that didn’t happen … yet. Losing weight is a constant battle and I really just need to get my head in the game. Am I proud of myself? Yes! Somebody’s gotta be proud of me! ((self hug)) Would I do it again? OF COURSE! (It’s my website, I don’t have a choice!) Love to you all and congrats to Ryan!!


TWOPI: 5th Place!
I’m submitting the same photo that I started this competition with, as I feel like I’m just getting started on my diet, WWO-style. I’m pleased that I managed some modest weight loss in BC&RL3, but I need more dramatic changes to get to where I want to be.


TAM: 4th Place!
Well, overall I’m disappointed in my result. I know it’s mostly because I didn’t exercise but it did make me more conscious of what’s going into my mouth, not a bad thing and it’s nice to know I’m not the only slack ass out there who can’t stick to a diet. Yay for the lazy dieters club. I intend on keeping up the efforts and keep trying. Maybe I’ll even put more effort in. Or not. I’m not sure but I’m going to not be so oblivious as I go forward, so thanks for that C&R, it’s been fun, sort of.


MICHELLE M.: 3rd Place!
I’m sad the contest is over. Because I’m only about halfway to my goal weight – I went from being a hippo to a pig. But I’m proud of myself because I lost 7 pounds. It’s hard for me to lose weight now that I’m older, so I’ll take what I can get. Too bad I didn’t work out… But I’m going to keep on keepin’ on until I lose the rest of the weight. I don’t want to have to participate in BC&RL 4 next year!


MIKEY: 2nd Place!
Am I proud of myself? YES! I lost more weight in this round of BC&RL than I did in the previous rounds. Also, I’m eating healthier and going to continue to lose weight even now that this stupid thing is over. I will celebrate by commencing operation starvation. Will I do the contest again? YES. Especially if I can end up winning like he was formerly in cupcake form.


RYAN: 1st Place, BIGGEST COCK!!!
I am happy to have lost some more weight, but I’m a little disappointed that I wasn’t as disciplined as last time. At least I’m no longer embarrassed to take off my shirt.


And now the results:

CONGRATULATIONS RYAN!!!
YOU ARE THE BIGGEST COCK!!!
…AND You Won Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3!


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C&R Fight Club Final Round: Michelle M. vs. Ryan

Welcome to FINAL ROUND of Cocky & Rude Fight Club!  The rules to the game are simple.    First I’ll re-introduce our fighters.  We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind.  Then we’ll put the results to vote.  You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet the final two contestants:


MICHELLE M.

Round 1: Michelle M. defeats Oprah Winfrey
Round 2: Michelle M. defeats Captain Kirk and Polt
Round 3: Michelle M. defeats “The Kid” and FDot

The fact that Ryan is younger, taller and in better shape than I am means nothing. Nothing!  Ryan is pure evil. Seriously. The only way someone could achieve the willpower to lose weight and buff up their bod so quickly and thoroughly is by going to the Dark side. All I need is a few sips of Pepsi and I will go Yoda* on his ass. I can polish off a cupcake faster than the Millennium Falcon can jump to lightspeed. The Force is with me. Little, ancient wrinkled me.

*CGI Yoda, not muppet Yoda.

-Michelle


RYAN WITH A CUPCAKE

Round 1: Ryan defeats The Muffin Man
Round 2: Ryan defeats Adam and Chris D.
Round 3: Ryan defeats Mr. Sombrero and Ty

Finally! Now Adam will stop nagging me. I congratulate Michelle on her success so far, but it has sadly come to an end. To console her, I have this totally not deadly* cantaloupe for her.

I have a few advantages that will lead me to victory. First, the demographics of this site skew heavily toward those who prefer looking at fit guys in tight shirts over girls wearing anything (or nothing). Second, in the event that this shifts from a popularity contest to a Nerf sword duel, I believe that my childhood has believe my childhood has prepared me for success. Finally, the cantaloupe.

*Description of cantaloupe as not deadly does not imply any guarantee that the cantaloupe is not deadly.

-Ryan


WHO WILL BE THE C&R FIGHT CLUB ULTIMATE CHAMPION?? There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.

Check back on Sunday for the results!

Thanks to Michelle M. and Ryan for your assistance with this post!

C&R Fight Club Round 3: Mr. Sombrero vs. Ty vs. Ryan

Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND THREE!  The rules to the game are simple.  Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters.  We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind.  Then we’ll put the results to vote.  You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…


Each week of Round Three, we’ll drop three Round Two winners into the ring and see who remains standing after a 24-hour Cocky & Rude Fight Club vote.  Today’s contestants are: Mr. Sombrero, Ty & Ryan.

In his C&R Round 1 Fight, the man from south of the border, Mr. Sombrero faced off against the redneck from north of the border, a Border Patrolman.  Mr. Sombrero proved victorious when he beat the Minuteman with a stunning 98% of the popular vote.  In round 2, the señor Sombrero faced off against C&R writer Mikey and the knitting/veterinarian/superstar, Mel.  Sombrero was again victorious, trouncing the pair with a surprising 45% of the popular vote.  How will he stand up against Ty and Ryan?  Only time will tell!

So far, I’ve destroyed uno, dos, TRES opponents in this silly battle.  What makes you silly American think that I can’t defeat DOS more?  I come from Mexico, where we murder people for fun.  I will rain down on all of you with the hot sauce fiery fury of a Taco Bell restroom!  Ty?  That silly, bald American could never win at the Mexican version of Jeopardy!  In our version, we play for tacos and kill the losers.  And the winners.  And Ryan?  My churro could beat his cupcake any day of the week.  I will destroy them both with my sombrero pulled down over my eyes! ¡Ay, caramba y yo quiero Taco Bell! -Mr. Sombrero

In his C&R Fight Club Round 1 battle, resident Jeopardy! genius Ty faced off against the the wheelchair-bound Stephen Hawking.  After a fierce competition, The theoretical physicist and cosmologist proved no match for man that tells federal judges what to do, when Ty trounced Hawking with 73% of the popular vote.  In Round 2, a very pale Ty faced off against the recently employed Mush and law student extraordinaire, Jere.  Ty proved that he wasn’t only good at fighting physically disabled people when he beat the two with 44% of the popular vote.  Will his pale skin and giant brain be enough to defeat Mr. Sombrero and Ryan?  Soon we’ll find out!

I didn’t sign up for this, I’m up against the head writer’s boyfriend, and — AND — even if I win, I have to face a  Wonder Woman at least 2.5 times as sassy as Lynda Carter.  In light of all that, I don’t really have the energy for smack talk.  Instead, here’s TV Guide’s summary for tonight’s episode of Whitney: “Whitney catches Alex eyeing [sic] a sightly woman and punishes him by refusing to talk to him.” YEAH!!!! -Ty

In his C&R Fight Club Round 1 battle, Ryan with a Cupcake faced off against his mortal enemy, The Muffin Man.  The voice of the people was strong (and muffin-hating) as Ryan managed to earn a fantastic 99% of the popular vote.  In Round 2, Ryan faced off against blogging superstar and world celebrity, the cocky, the rude, the egomaniac: Adam … and Chris D.  And Adam won! Somehow, Ryan managed to defeat the dynamic duo with 49% of the popular vote.  Adam thinks that he may have cheated.  (He didn’t.)  Will he cupcake his way to victory against Mr. Sombrero and Ty?  We’ll find out soon enough!

Judging by his trash talk in the last round, Ty is just another nice guy. I would have thought that the milkman would have taught Ty how to stand up for himself. Meanwhile, all I have to do is take Mr. Sombrero’s hat to give him a crippling crisis of identity.


Who will win in the battle of  Mr. Sombrero vs. Ty vs. Ryan?  There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.

Check back on Sunday for the results!

Thanks to Mr. Sombrero, Ty & Ryan for your assistance with this post!

C&R Fight Club Round 2: Ryan vs. Chris D. vs. Adam!

Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND TWO!  The rules to the game are simple.  Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters.  We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind.  Then we’ll put the results to vote.  You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…


Each week of Round Two, we’ll drop three Round One winners into the ring and see who remains standing after a 24-hour Cocky & Rude Fight Club vote.  Today’s contestants are: Ryan, Chris D. & Adam!


On July 28th, Ryan With A Cupcake (a.k.a. Ryan Sans Cupcake, look at those abs!) faced off against his mortal enemy: The Muffin Man.  In the battle of cupcake vs. muffin, Ryan managed to defeat his opponent with a staggering 99% of the popular vote.

Adam and Chris are going down. I’ve already crushed Adam in the Biggest Cock and Rudest Loser contest by losing more than twice as much weight as he did. As soon as the bell rings, he will piss his pants and then be too distracted trying to figure out what the puddle looks like to defend himself. Meanwhile, Chris is just too nice to win. He only won last time because Mr. Rogers out-niced his ass. Of course, the real reason to vote for me is to get me to show of the clothes I bought last weekend. -Ryan

The following week, the eternally nice Chris D. went up against the deceased nice, Mister Rogers.  But everyone’s favorite cardigan sweater-wearing nice guy was no match for Chris D.’s power of … life.  Chris D. defeated Mister Rogers with an impressive 88% of the popular vote.

I am going to beat Adam because if Adam wins, he will be dogged by rumors that this whole thing was rigged for decades.  Would you seriously want to do that to poor sweet Adam?  Vote for me, for Adam’s sake! Ryan could be a bit of a challenge.  He is more popular than me, he is probably cooler than me, and lately he’s looking quite fit… BUT I’m the underdog! And if there is one thing that we believe in, it is the ability of the quirky underdog to triumph over insurmountable odds!  So vote for me, because I am less popular, and less cool than Ryan! -Chris D.

Our final C&R Fight Club Round One match pitted Adam against the overweight, immature, spoiled, outspoken, lazy, foul-mouthed, mean-spirited, racist, sexist, anti-semitic, sociopathic, and narcissistic Eric Cartman.  In the end, all of those adjectives were no match for Adam, who defeated Eric Cartman with 84% of the popular vote. -Adam

Seriously?  This is my blog.  Do you think that Chris D. and Ryan can beat me?  Those two are nothing compared to me!  Do you hear me?  NOTHING!  My time is better spent illustrating tweets, photographing piss puddles and coming up with creative ways to use the photo of Polt’s ass in new and exciting ways.  Now vote me for.  NOW!


Who will win in the battle of  Ryan vs. Chris D. vs. Adam?  There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.

Check back on Sunday for the results!

Thanks to Michelle M., Ryan & Chris D. for your assistance with this post!

C&R Fight Club Round 2: Ty vs. Mush vs. Jere!

Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND TWO!  The rules to the game are simple.  Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters.  We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind.  Then we’ll put the results to vote.  You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…


Each week of Round Two, we’ll drop three Round One winners into the ring and see who remains standing after a 24-hour Cocky & Rude Fight Club vote.  Today’s contestants are: Ty, Mush & Jere!

Our resident Jeopardy! genius, Ty, faced off against the wheelchair-bound genius, Stephen Hawking on July 7th.  The theoretical physicist and cosmologist proved no match for man that tells federal judges what to do, when Ty trounced Hawking with 73% of the popular vote.

I didn’t watch professional wrestling as a kid, and I don’t watch professional basketball as an adult, so I’m not super familiar with the concept of trash talk.  According to my extensive Internet research, I should threaten to kill my opponents and their loved ones, impugn their paternity, and imply that I have had sexual relations with their significant others.  That seems a bit harsh.  So instead, I will say what I said to my opponents on Jeopardy!: “Good luck, suckas!!” -Ty

The following week, Michelle “Mush” Morgan faced off against Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in the epic battle of Mush vs. Rock.  The Rock’s expert wrestling moves and experience hitting people with folding chairs proved useless against Mush’s fiery Mexican food farts and superior IT skills when she beat The Rock with a very close 53% of the popular vote.

Just ’cause you bitches are big, strong, strapping boys don’t mean that my old age and treachery won’t overcome! I will beat your asses! I will dominate! YOU ARE GOIN’ DOWN!!! -Mush

Jere battled the animated twosome, Tom & Jerry in his first C&R Fight Club battle.  Did the cat and mouse’s giant hammers, mouse traps, stinky cheese and presumable invincibility and immortality slow Jere down in his battle?  Nope!  He dragged the cartoons to court, sued (and kicked) their asses with a win of 95% of the popular vote.

Those queens? Please. When I’m done cock-slapping them around this fight, they’re both gonna wish they had never seen me. Let us pray the pimp’s prayer for these bitches. Lord, please pray for the soul of these pussies and guide my pimp hand and make it strooong Lord! So that they might learn a ho’s place. Amen! -Jere


Who will win in the battle of  Ty vs. Mush vs. Jere?  There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.

Check back on Sunday for the results!

Thanks to Michelle M., Ty, Mush & Jere for your assistance with this post!

C&R Fight Club Round 2: Mel vs. Mr. Sombrero vs. Mikey!

Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND TWO!  The rules to the game are simple.  Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters.  We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind.  Then we’ll put the results to vote.  You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…


Each week of Round Two, we’ll drop three Round One winners into the ring and see who remains standing after a 24-hour Cocky & Rude Fight Club vote.  Today’s contestants are: Mel, Mr. Sombrero & Mikey!

On June 18th, Mel faced off against a fearsome duo: Raggedy Ann and Andy.  But in the end, Mel didn’t even have to raise one of his sharp knitting needles before those silly rag dolls, Raggedy Ann & Andy, crumpled to the ground and died.  Mel won with a very impressive 98% of the popular vote.

Excuse me? Me against the soft city boys? Not only do I come from a land where killing things is considered de rigueur, I live in a state where everyone – and I mean everyone – looks like a no-nonsense bulldyke. And when I say I cut bitches for a living, I mean that in the most literal sense. Scalpel in one hand and a syringe full of euthanasia solution in the other, I will seriously fuck these two over. -Mel

Mr. Sombrero claimed victory in his battle with a Confederate flag wielding, Sarah Palin loving, Redneck Border Patrolman.  With the help of his trusty burro and a bad case of Montezuma’s revenge, Mr. Sombrero won his fight with 99% of the popular vote.

En mi primero battle, I tore open the borders de Mexico to defeat that estúpido Redneck Border Patrolman.  And now you expect me to be afraid of a Mel, a man who fights dolls?  Or Mikey?  I can watch web videos faster than Speedy Gonzales!  Those two gringos are no match for me!  I will destroy them with my mustache tied behind my back!  ¡Ay, caramba y yo quiero Taco Bell! -Mr. Sombrero

C&R pitted our favorite Friday blogger, Mikey against the former heavyweight champion of the world: Mike Tyson.  But Tyson’s fight experience, rape conviction, face tattoo and an expertise in pigeon breeding were no match for Mikey’s love of cheese balls and web videos.  Mikey claimed an easy victory with 90% of the popular vote.

I’ve been around longer than Mr. Sombrero and I have heard from reliable sources that he smells bad.  Mel lives in Maine, which is barely a state these days.  I will triumph on the basis of proximity to greatness and clean-scentedness.  I call upon all of you vote for the only reasonable option. -Mikey


Who will win in the battle of  Paul vs. VUBOQ vs. FDot?  There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.

Check back on Sunday for the results!

Thanks to Michelle M., Mikey, Mr. Sombrero & Mel for your assistance with this post!

C&R Fight Club Round 2: Paul vs. VUBOQ vs. FDot!

Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND TWO!  The rules to the game are simple.  Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters.  We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind.  Then we’ll put the results to vote.  You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…


Each week of Round Two, we’ll drop three Round One winners into the ring and see who remains standing after a 24-hour Cocky & Rude Fight Club vote.  Today’s contestants are: Paul, VUBOQ & FDot.


Paul was our only contestant to face off against a destructive natural disaster.  Back on May 26th, Paul defeated a tornado in the C&R Fight Club battle of Swirl vs. Swirl with an impressive 93% of the popular vote.

Wow, this match up reminds me of the fight scene in Star Trek: Generations.  Three old guys, beating the crap out of each other in the rocky desert.  Since I am obviously the Malcolm McDowell in this battle, I will concede to my two opponents.  Now everyone had to decide who the “Kirk” is. -Paul

Can one man defeat Donnie Wahlberg, Danny Wood, Joey McIntyre, Jordan Knight, Jonathan Knight, Brian Littrell, Nick Carter, A. J. McLean, & Howie Dorough?  Of course he can!  In his C&R Fight Club bout, VUBOQ faced off against NKOTBSB (the New Kids on the Block / Backstreet Boys super group).  VUBOQ destroyed the nine boy-banders with 88% of the popular vote.

I’m really bad at trash talk.  So, um, I guess I’ll win because Paul and FDot seem really nice and I’m not really nice.  So there.  Take that. -VUBOQ

In the epic battle of Fan Favorite vs. Fan Favorite, we pitted Hollywood’s Tom Hanks against Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2 Fan Favorite, FDot.  It was a struggle until the end, but FDot managed to beat the highest all time box office star with 67% of the popular vote.

Ok. Let’s see….. My competition is a guy who grew facial hair in an homage to Star Trek and a guy who consumes so much homemade hooch he addresses his blog posts to juvenile cats. Is there any need to trash talk? I just have to sit back and wait. Paul’s good counterpart will beam him back to the Terran Empire while VUBOQ’s operation will shortly be shut down by a joint task-force involving Uncle Jesse and Boss Hogg. As for myself, in case anyone has forgotten what my homemade chocolate chip cookies taste like, a win in Fight Club will surely allow me to refresh some people’s memories. That, and I’m awesome. -FDot


Who will win in the battle of  Paul vs. VUBOQ vs. FDot?  There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.

Check back on Sunday for the results!

Thanks to Michelle M., Paul & VUBOQ for your assistance with this post!