The Bidens and Obamas email me all the time. It’s pretty annoying, but I guess that it’s just the price I pay for being famous. But when Jill emailed me today (yes, we’re on a first name basis), it really got my attention. For a split second, I thought that I had missed Michelle M.’s birthday! Then I realized that it was just the first lady’s birthday. Boring!
Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll introduce our fighters. We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
REDNECK BORDER PATROLMAN
Date of Birth: July 4th, 1950 Place of Birth: Texas Hair Color: gray Current Residence: Texas Relationship Status: married to an American woman Occupation: Full-Time Minuteman Height & Weight: 5’10”, 230lbs Hobbies: shooting Mexicans, getting illegals deported, building fences Favorite Colors: red, white and blue: the colors of the Confederate Flag! Political Affiliation: Conservative Tea Party Favorite Music: Toby Keith, Trace Adkins, Tim McGraw, Faith Hill Utility Belt Contents: Gun, ammunition and a copy of the Constitution Favorite Pastime: Looking for evidence that Barack Hussein Obama wasn’t born in the United States
The Minuteman Project is an activist organization started in April 2005 by a group of private individuals in the United States to monitor the United States–Mexico border’s flow of illegal immigrants. The name derives from the Minutemen, militiamen who fought in the American Revolution. The Minuteman Project describes itself as “a citizens’ Neighborhood Watch on our border”, and has attracted media attention to illegal immigration. Today’s competitor is proud member of the Minutemen. His secret weapons include: racism, a firm belief that Barack Obama was not born in the United States, a steadfast anti-healthcare reform position, a nearly endless supply of guns and ammunition (and if you don’t like it, please read the 2nd amendment to Constitution) and a direct line to Sarah Palin’s presidential campaign office.
AKA: El Mostacho Loco Date of Birth: On a sunny day a long time ago Place of Birth: Mexico Hair Color: shaved on top, black stash stash under the nose Current Residence: New Jersey Relationship Status: dating Adam Occupation: who needs a job with a sombrero like this? Height & Weight: 5’11”, the stash alone weighs 20lbs Hobbies: jumping fences, hitting piñatas, spending time with his trusty burro Favorite Color: red, white and green: the colors of the Mexican flag. Political Affiliation: Liberal Favorite Music: anything by Ricky Martin Utility Belt Contents: tacos, maracas, mariachi guitar Favorite Pastime: salsa dancing
Mr. Sombrero hails from the great country of Mexico. Legend has it that he was born long ago on a particularly sunny day, when he shot out of his mother’s vagina as fast as Speedy Gonzales. Opinions on the subject differ, but many say that he was born with fully grown black mustache. He has always been known as a kind an gentle man, and is know for single-handedly building the Mayan pyramids, hiding gold from the Spaniards, winning the battle of the Alamo, winning the Mexican-American War, winning the Mexican Revolution. He currently owns the Taco Bell restaurant chain. His secret weapons include razor-edged throwing sombreros, the ability to stricken anyone with Montezuma’s revenge, border fence high jumps, powerful kicks from his trusty burro, and an enormous penis.
Who will win in the battle of REDNECK vs. MEXICAN? Will the Redneck Border Patrolman defeat Mr. Sombrero with his massive arsenal? Or will Mr. Sombrero give him a case of Montezuma’s revenge unlike the world has ever seen? There’s only one rational way to decide which fighter will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want.That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!