Tag Archives: arm removal

It’s The Cocky & Rude Match Game! (3.02)

















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The Twelve Days of Whatever

On the first day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – a parakeet in a pear tree.

On the second day of Whatever, my true love gave to me –
two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.



On the third day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – three more polls,
two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.

On the fourth day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – four Mikeys licking, three more polls,
two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.

On the fifth day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – five naked asses… four Mikeys licking, three more polls, two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.

On the sixth day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – six poos a ploppin’, five naked asses…
four Mikeys licking, three more polls, two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.

On the seventh day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – seven schlongs a swingin’,
six poos a ploppin’, five naked asses… four Mikeys licking, three more polls,
two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.

On the eighth day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – Eight Tams a riding,
seven schlongs a swingin’, six poos a ploppin, five naked asses…
four Mikeys licking, three more polls, two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.

On the ninth day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – Nine commenters commenting,
eight Tams a riding, seven schlongs a swingin’, six poos a ploppin’, five naked asses…
four Mikeys licking, three more polls, two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.

On the tenth day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – Ten armless Adams,
nine commenters commenting, eight Tams a riding, seven schlongs a swingin’,
six poos a ploppin’, five naked asses… four Mikeys licking, three more polls,
two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.

On the eleventh day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – Eleven pissy puddles, ten armless Adams, nine commenter commenting, eight Tams a riding, seven schlongs a swingin’, six poos a ploppin’,
five naked asses… four Mikeys licking, three more polls, two puntabupedes
and a parakeet in a pear tree.

On the twelfth day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – Twelve boxers boxing, eleven pissy puddles, ten armless Adams, nine commenters commenting, eight Tams a riding, seven schlongs a swingin’,
six poos a ploppin’, five naked asses… four Mikeys licking, three more polls, two puntabupedes
and a parakeet in a pear tree.

Happy holidays to my C&R family!

Montreal Vacation: Part 2

Were you bored to shit after reading my Montreal Vacation: Part 1 post yesterday?  Then you’re crap outa luck!
Cuz here’s part 2.  Bam!  In the face!

Between Part 1 and Part 2, my arm grew back.  BUT NOT FOR LONG!  Because this paper tiger bit it the fuck off again.  Montreal was not a lucky place for arms, lemme tell ya.

Wondering where I managed to find a big paper tiger?  It was at the Montreal Botanical Gardens Chinese Lantern exhibit. This is the 19th edition of The Magic of Lanterns at the Chinese Garden. This year’s theme pays tribute to China’s first Emperor, Qin Shi Huangdi and his impressive cavalry.

The Chinese architecture is beeeeeeutiful!

This banzai tree (part of the banzai garden in the Japanese Garden) is 270 years old!
That’s almost twice as old as Polt!  Holy CRAP that’s old!

After the Botanical Gardens, Mr. Sombrero and I went to the Montreal Insectarium.
Here’s a photo of two beetles do’n it.

People eat that?  Eww! Gross!
… I was talking about the chocolate …
Cuz I’m an ultra vegetarian.  Right … I was talking about the chocolate.

The next day we took a day trip to Quebec City.  It’s a wonder we made it there, because I have no idea what the hell a white line next to a stop light means.

Old Quebec City is the only walled city in North America and is is the capital of the Canadian province of Quebec.

The city’s most famous landmark is the Château Frontenac, a hotel which dominates the skyline.

Here I am, standing in front of it and looking like a dumbass.

And here I am pretending that I’m looking at something exciting.

Here’s the two of us pretending that we’re cute.*

Here’s a sign that discourages Michael Jackson from tossing his baby over a ledge.

The next day we explored more of Montreal’s parks, tourist traps and strip clubs. Here’s a friendly white squirrel that I found at a La Fontaine Park.

Montreal is a very clean city — thanks to these amazing Gonzo-nosed golf cart vacuums.

Mr. Sombrero sampled some of the local artisan ice cream in a homemade cone.
Is this NOT the cutest photo you’ve EVER seen??

And then we went home to the boring United States of America.  Within 3 days, we both came down with upper respiratory infections.  Woohoo!

*We don’t actually have to pretend — we know that we’re cute.

Montreal Vacation: Part 1

Last week, Mr. Sombrero and I traveled to the great country of Canada!  We had a great time in Montreal, hanging out with Tam & The Kid, seeing all of the sights, taking a day trip to Quebec City, sampling the local cuisine, making fun of the French-speaking locals, and partaking in all of the other great things that Canada has to offer.
Here are some of the highlights…

Mr. Sombrero stole an idea from Tam’s future NYC trip and opted for a short-term apartment rental in Montreal. For less than the cost of a hotel room, we had a spacious apartment with a full kitchen.  Oh, and there was a bowl of potpourri that I quickly fashioned into a pair of penises.

Here’s The first day that we were there, we hung out with everyone’s favorite Canadians: Nathan and The Kid! … And Tam!  The lady that took the photo of the group apparently couldn’t figure out how to take a photo with my camera, so I stole this photo from Tam’s site.

Canada has a chain of health food stores named Rachelle-Bery.  Not to be confused with Rachel Berry from Glee.
The new season of Glee starts tonight! Woo!

Canada is perfect in every way, they even have Subway restaurants!

While we were there, we got to see a little of the Montreal Grand Prix bicycle race.  Damn those bikes go fast!

The Montreal Tam-Tams are a drum circle based in Montreal, Canada. The free event gathers thousands of drum players, dancers, vendors and visitors, every Sunday, at the George-Étienne Cartier Monument in Mount Royal Park. The Tam-Tam festivities start at 1 pm and continue until sunset. Tam-Tams, or simply “tams” as they are sometimes called by locals, began in 1978 and over the years have become one of the main tourist attractions of the city. It’s basically a giant group of pot-smoking hippies, banging on drums and dancing in a cloud of marijuana smoke.

Here’s a parking kiosk with some colorful graffiti.  Clearly that artist didn’t read my post.

At one restaurant that we went to, I was known as an “Ultra Vegetarian” — how cool is that?

In Canada, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups aren’t possessive!  How weird!

On our second day, Mr. Sombrero and I took an Amphi-Bus tour around Old Montreal.  Here’s a view of Molson building from the river.

Here I am making a creepy face.  Check out my awful ginger ‘do!

In Old Montreal, they discourage swimming in the fountains.

Here’s a shot of the Notre-Dame Basilica in Old Montreal.  Ooo pretty church!

The prices for stuff in Canada is all sorts of whack.  There’s a comma where a decimal point should be!  And the dollar sign is on the wrong side!  WTF?

On our second day in Montreal, we took the metro to the other side of the city.  It was the cleanest metro station I’ve ever seen!  A minute after snapping this photo, the entire station was evacuated due to some sort of emergency.  (It was all in French…)

We eventually made our way to Montreal’s Olympic Park where I made friends with this cute little kitty.

Our first stop in the Olympic Park area was the Montreal Biodôme.  Here’s a photo of of a Capybara, the largest living rodent in the world.  How freak’n cute is that giant rat!?

Here’s a photo of me getting my arm bitten off by an alligator!  Sadly, it’s not the first time.
And odds are, it’s not the last.

My arm was not enough to satiate that awful beast!  Next it bit off Mr. Sombrero’s head!  Egads!

And finally, here’s some penguins.  Because really, who doesn’t love to watch the penguins?

Are you bored yet?  Too bad!  My vacation photos continue tomorrow!

A Brief History of Arm Removal & Adam's Enormous Ego

American Idol’s Katelyn Epperly may have started the trend … but I’ve kept it going.

Of course you remember our post back on February 22nd, 2010, where I mentioned her photoshopped-away right arm. You know what I’m talking about. Katelyn unknowningly began a trend of arm-removal that would reach far and wide in the Cocky & Rude galaxy.

In mid-June, Jonathan Metz of Connecticut attempted to remove his own arm after getting it lodged behind his furnace.  The Today Show gave Armless Jonathan a lot of press.  At one point, Matt Lauer even cinched up his pants and took a trip to Connecticut to examine Armless Jonathan’s wood.

A week later, I was forced to make the same choice.  After getting my arm stuck in a jetty at the Jersey shore, I just lopped it off and continued on my way.  Surprisingly, Matt Lauer didn’t give a shit.

A few weeks after that, I was forced to make the same choice, again!  After getting my arm stuck while hiking with Mikey, I once again removed my own arm.  Again, the Today Show wasn’t interested in my story.  Not even Kathie Lee & Hoda were interested in interviewing me during the fourth hour.

And just this last weekend, while hiking at Hawk Mountain Sanctuary in Kempton, PA, it happened again.  Arm?  Stuck and chopped off.  Again!

Where was the Today Show this time?  Where was Matt Lauer?  Nowhere to be found.  I was beginning to take the snub personally.  Clearly it was a case of homophobia, gingerphobia, or some combination of the two.

But fuck them!!!  …cuz I just got a call from Michelle, my high-priced Hollywood agent.  They’re turning my story into a MAJOR MOTION PICTURE!  AND, my doppelganger, James Franco, will be playing me!  Perfect casting, because we have SO much in common! Sure they’re changing the location and making my character hetero … but who gives a shit?!  I’m gonna be so rich!

http://www.youtube.com/v/ZnibK1_oLwY?fs=1&hl=en_US

Don’t even bother lining up with your hands out.  Cuz I ain’t even share’n a penny with you people.  I’m gunna be so rich that I can buy all new friends!!!