Tag Archives: Adam Carolla

My Favorite Adams

AdamsDid I get it right?  Who is your favorite Adam?


A Brief Study In Unibrowology

Perhaps even more discriminated upon than gingers, those with unibrows are a brave sort.  The bearer of a single brow is almost always strong in constitution and self esteem.  With so many brow separation techniques available in today’s society (waxing, tweezing, shaving, electrolysis, etc.), to wear a unibrow is a choice, or even a statement.  Today we will look at sixteen who wear the unibrows proudly.

Clockwise from the upper left is Bert from Sesame Street, Sam “Samuel” the Eagle from The Muppet Show, Groundskeeper Willie McDougal from The Simpsons and Baby Gerald (Maggie Simpson’s arch rival) from The Simpsons.  In this first group, we find two creatures of puppet persuasion and two animated characters.  Notice that an upward turned unibrow makes the character appear happy and jovial.  The downward turned unibrow makes the character appear stern or angry.

Clockwise from the upper left is television and radio personality Adam Carolla, movie star Josh Hartnett, the standard ‘Red Bird‘ from the popular mobile video game Angry Birds, and William John Paul “Liam” Gallagher, lead singer of the band, Oasis.  Each of these pop culture icons proudly displays their unibrow to countless adoring fans.  But unlike Gallagher and Red Bird, Carolla and Hartnett have been knowm to prune their brows for film and television projects.

Clockwise from the upper left is famous Mexican painter, Frida Kahlo de Rivera, Top Chef: Masters season 3 contestant Hugh Acheson, Massachusetts Senator John Forbes Kerry and Former United States embarrassment President, George Walker Bush.  Each of these unibrowed individuals have achieved great success in their chosen careers.  Frida Kahlo was a famous self portrait painter.  John Kerry may have failed at his bid for presidency, but he is the senior Senator of Massachusetts.  Even Acheson, who was the first contestant eliminated from Top Chef: Masters season 3, can thank the power of his unibrow, because he was reinstated into the contest when another chef left the game for personal reasons.  None is more successful than George W. Bush, who ran companies into the ground and did poorly in school — but went on to hold the highest office in the United States.

Clockwise from the upper left is Willow Shields, who was recently cast as Primrose Everdeen in the movie adaptation of The Hunger Games, Madonna’s daughter Lourdes LeonIt’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia character Maggie McPoyle, and Unibrau, who starred as Frau Farbissina’s girlfriend in the Austin Powers movies.  Perhaps the bravest of the sixteen, these four unibrowed lovelies stand tall and strong.  Shields will be laughing at all of these comments when she banks her first Hunger Games paycheck.  Lourdes bravely stands beside her mother’s arms and knows that with those things around, no one will ever have time to make fun of her unibrow.  Maggie McPoyle is an inbred, deaf mute, who is not afraid to make out with anyone in sight (even if it’s her own brother.  And Unibrau is a evil argyle-wearing lesbian.  No one dares fuck with her (except maybe Frau Farbissina).

They’re angry, stern, famous, unapologetic, powerful, proud and they just might be inbred.  They’re the unibrowed among us.

Have you been known to sport the single brow?  Do you have a favorite unibrowed icon that we’ve failed to mention?  Tell us all about it in the comments!

Uhmmmmm Where's Mikey?

Details are sketchy as to where Mikey has disappeared to this week.  We’ve been told that he’s on vacation, but very little else.  In attempt to fill in a number of story gaps that don’t really exist in the first place, I will draw sweeping conclusions based on almost nothing (tweets, facebook statuses and my own sick imagination):

He may be in Mexico by now.

Adam Carolla: Get up in that.

It all started when Mikey crossed the border into Delaware on August 14th at 9:10am.  From there he “entered Maryland!” at 11:05am.  Less than an hour later, he tweeted: “And Virginia welcomes us!!!”  At 3:26pm, he was in North Carolina.  Then at 6:54, he tweeted: “Holla!  We’re in Corolla!”  At this point, I’m assuming that he was hanging out with Ellen Degeneres (because she’s the only person on Earth that still says “Holla!”) and that Mikey and/or Ellen was “inside” (sexually) Adam Carolla.  I’m picturing a filthy gang bang, and I’m sorry — it’s not a pretty picture.

From there, I made the fatal mistake of commenting: “Your tweets/statuses are boring.  Please make them better.”  Suddenly, his tweets about sexual exploits and interstate travel stopped.  I have quickly imagined a globe in my mind, and have scientifically determined that Mikey may be in Mexico by now.  Or maybe even Brazil.  After all, he left us 5 days ago and we have yet to determine the end point of his travels.

Where ever he is, they have theme days at the beach.

I don't care what you say anymore, this is my beach.

Where ever Mikey’s vacation stopped, there is a beach.  And on this beach, they have musical theme days.  On Tuesday at 9:31am, we read: “Yes!  It’s Michael Jackson day at the beach!”  On Wednesday at 10:30am, we were asked: “Who’s ready for Billy Joel day at the beach?” to which he answered, “This guy!”  A quick Google search leads me to believe that this beach must be in a remote location because there are no beaches on the Internet that advertise musical theme days.  One can only imagine which other classic rock icons are celebrating their own theme days.  The Beatles?  Neil Diamond?  Kris Kross?

He may be balding.

Skin cancer can kill, so one must always remember to wear sunblock.  For gingers like myself, I suggest an SPF of about 30 million.  For Mikey, I suggest at least an SPF of 30.  For most guys (like myself) who sport a thick head of hair, it’s not really necessary to apply sunblock to the scalp.  The hair simply shades my scalp from the unrelenting sun beams.  But for Mikey, who announced “I got sunburn on my scalp!” via Facebook status at 5:33pm on Monday, a hairy head may not have been enough.  It’s easy to surmise the obvious:  since he left us, Mikey has gone completely bald.  Further, his scalp probably now looks like overcooked vegan bacon.

He’s feeding on nothing but cheese balls, alcohol and Nutella.

A typical lunch.

Although photographic evidence of cheese ball consumption is all that our team of Cocky & Rude investigative reporters have been able to get their hands on, we have first-hand evidence of more.  In yesterday’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser update, Mikey claimed to be consuming “tons of yummy food” and as many as “4,000 cheese balls, 7 bottles of wine, and a cup of Nutella.”  Later tweets have mentioned “Watermelon Martinis.”  Lots of binging and no tweets about purging can only mean one thing:  after his gluttonous vacation, Mikey is a shoe-in for the BC&RL placing of Rudest Loser.

Seriously, who eats a "cup" of Nutella?

Further, his rampant hash tagging, misspellings and poor grammar can only mean one thing:  he’s completely drunk.  Watch out, people of Mexico and beyond!  A drunk Mikey has come to town, and it’s only a matter of time before he strips naked and jumps into your swimming pool.

I beg you, people of Brazil, send Mikey back to us.  We need to reintroduce him to well-rounded vegan meals!  We need to send him to AA!  We need to fit him with hair plugs, extensions and novelty toupees!  We need to lather him in sunscreen!  We need him to start blogging again, because goddammit, I’m tired!  Mikey, come back to us!

Note: In the event that Mikey doesn’t return, I’ve already begun to court his replacement.