I Don’t Want To Hold Your Hand

According to Wikipedia, handshaking was practiced in ancient Greece as far back as the 5th century BC. And some researchers have suggested the handshake may have been introduced in the Western World by Sir Walter Raleigh during the late 16th century.

Either way, handshaking is gross and I don’t want to do it.
Just thinking about where people’s hands have been makes me cringe.




Probably didn’t wash their hands!

A clammy, limp handshake is disgusting. Plus, pandemic anyone? Did you know that you are only 6 handshakes away from dying a horrible, excruciating death? Here is a chart, so it must be true.

I move that we find another way of acknowledging each other and abolish handshaking altogether. But what form of greeting should replace the handshake?

The highfive? I would still have to come into contact with a sweaty palm. No thanks.

The fistbump? Touching is still involved. Pass.

The salute? Too formal.

A curtsy? Too fancy schmancy.

A bow? Not bad – but Asian people might think I’m mocking them.

The airkiss? Too phony.

A hug? Fine for friends (or Polt), but if I don’t want to shake your hand,
I certainly don’t want to hug you.

So what does that leave?

It’s the perfect solution. It’s friendly, yet allows one to keep one’s distance.

It works for all ages – from the littleuns’…

to the tweens…

to the oldz.

All the cool kids do it.

As well as human rights leaders,

and deities.

So next time someone wants to shake your hand, avoid that moist, grimy mitt.
Lock and load and fire off those fingerguns!


42 thoughts on “I Don’t Want To Hold Your Hand”

  1. I love finger guns! Don’t forget you also get to make that cool “click click” sound with your tongue while doing it. On a related note, Adam as Elvis is terrifying.

  2. I do t have an issue with shaking hands or hugs (obviously), but if you’re gonna institute smother form of greeting, why not take a clue from our canine friends and just smell each others asses when you meet someone? 🙂


  3. I don’t have a problem shaking hands, but nothing is worse than a guy with a weak handshake. Do not place your hand limply in mine and expect me to shake it!

    1. The worst is when you do this to someone by accident. Pro-tip: If you accidently wet noodle someone (bad handshake) use your other hand to loosely clasp the other persons forearm, so they are still left with the illusion of a good firm handshake.

  4. I went to church yesterday (I know!) and the only thing that surprised me, other than the lack of lightning, was that they no longer shake hands during the offering of peace. They literally make the peace sign. Lame.

    Handshaking doesn’t bother me. I agree with Craig about the total fish hand, that shit is gross. I’ve also got wee tiny hands, so I have a difficult time gripping big hands, but I don’t give the limpy handshake.

    Finger guns? Meh. OK.

    1. I could deal with the peace sign, it’s a little hippie, but better than touching someone’s sweaty, e.coli covered hand.

      Glad to hear you didn’t burst into flames yesterday,

            1. I did! And as the Prime Minister of the C&Rmy (formerly “The Puntabugang”) it is well within my rights to “meh” you. In case you were wondering, Michelle M. is the Queen of the C&Rmy (formerly “The Puntabugang”). Cheers!

  5. I hope this is the first in a long series of posts inspired by song titles by the Beatles. Next week: Baby You Can Drive My C&R.

  6. I’m seriously going to start using the curtsy at work. My big big boss would love it since she thinks she’s the Queen of the Fucking Universe anyway. Could also throw people off if you are in negotiations. It would blow their mind as they’d never see it coming. Brilliant.

    And women with limp fish handshakes are just as bad. It comes across as some kind of feminine “girls don’t shake hands” bullshit. Grip, shake, move on. It’s not that hard.

    1. Ugh. Hate it when women do that thing where they hold their hand horizontal and give you four fingers to shake. Like you’re supposed to lift their hand and kiss it or something. Especially pisses me off at work.

      I laughed at your “QotFU” boss comment.

      1. I laughed at that, too.

        I also hate a weak handshake. No one wants to be holding something limp. Firm is always better. Tee hee.

        Lately, if someone gross wants to shake my hand I tell them I have a cold and that takes care of that.

    1. No, john, I’m the Queen, Mama Polt is the Queen Mother. Or Queen Mama. Whatever. Elizabeth was Queen for DECADES while her mother was still alive.


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