In case you haven’t heard … the end of the world is nearly upon us. This Saturday, at 6pm EST, there will be a word-wide earthquake and God will Hoover all of his followers up to heaven. The rest of us sinners and non-believers will then be tormented with “hell on Earth” for 5 months until which time God will completely destroy Earth and the universe on October 21st. That’s all according to the 91-year-old lunatic and president of the evangelical broadcast Family Radio, Harold Camping. He and his followers have been spreading their word all over billboards, newspaper ads, protest signs and bus benches for quite a while now.
So just in case God skips over you when he’s rapturing all his followers up into the clouds (oh, and by the way, Camping hates the gays) … here are 10 suggestions for what you should spend your time doing over the next 5 months.
1. Take out as many loans and accept as many credit card offers as possible. If you’re like me, you get credit card offers in your mailbox almost every day. Why not accept … them all. Also, visit every bank in town and take anything that they’re willing to loan you. It’s not like you’ll ever have to pay any of it back!
2. Quit your job and ignore all of your responsibilities. Jobs are for broke suckers that are planning for their future. You only have 5 more months, and if you followed step #1, you’re loaded. Why deal with those annoying coworkers and all the rest of your non-fun responsibilities if you don’t have to? Quit! Quit immediately!
3. Have lots and lots and lots and lots of sex. Whether it’s with your one true love, or you’re just banging every man, woman or goat in town … do it a lot. Sex feels good, and if you only have 5 more months to enjoy it, then you better start sexifying every willing participant in sight.
4. Only eat food that’s delicious, even if it’s bad for you. Drink a lot, and take up smoking. Maybe even try some drugs. Mmmm cookies, candy, vodka, cigarettes and acid. They’re now the only food groups you need!
5. Spit in the faces of all your enemies. Walk up to them one at a time, and simply spit into their faces. It’ll make you good, I promise.
6. Travel and see everything you’ve always wanted to see. Assuming that all the roads aren’t jammed with other non-believers and the airplane pilots haven’t all been raptured, it’s time to travel. You’re rich, so it’s time to travel the world. Just avoid all of the steamping pits of lava and that whole “hell on Earth” thing.
7. Stop shaving. Oh wait … I hardly ever do that anyway.
8. Break some stuff. Store windows. Church windows. Car windows. All windows. Mirrors, sculptures, crystal vases, plates, art, chandeliers, expensive things, national monuments… they’re all on my list.
9. Punch horrible people in the face. Donald Trump. Sarah Palin. Justin Bieber. George W. Bush. Glenn Beck, Michele Bachmann, Rush Limbaugh, Jay Leno, Muammar Gaddafi. You’re all on my list!
10. Eat meat. See what you’ve been missing all this time. It’s all gunna die anyway…
11. OOPS! And I almost forgot: Spend a lot of time with the people you love. So what are you going to do during the next (and last) five months of your life? Assuming, of course, that God doesn’t slurp you up to heaven tomorrow.