Breaking News

Do you remember when you could turn on the tv and see Meredith Viera talking about the best slingbacks for slinging back martinis on your vacation? I do and I’m really ready for those days back. I know I was one of those people who probably complained the loudest about the soft news infotainment industry, but I’m so freakin’ tired of hearing about who died in what order and under whose orders. Yes…the world is a better place now that the hate-filled brain of Osama bin Laden is no longer in it, but can a guy get a little less hyper-analysis of everything from how many tweets were sent at what second leading up to the official announcement and the diagrams of the bloody house where it all went down. So I am going on the offensive and forcing you to consume some soft news of my choosing.

Mariah Carey gives birth to twins
Over the weekend we got one step closer to the apocalypse. Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon (whatever that is) had twin babies. I’m sure the world is excited that annoying musicians can have babies that will grow up to be spoiled brats. I have name suggestions for the two little kids: Dumb & Dumber. Harsh? Maybe. Accurate? Yes.

Jesse’s Girl was better off
The dude who sang “Jesse’s Girl” before it was covered by Glee was arrested for being a lame ass drunk driver. He has the same hairstyle as he did back then, which is probably why he was drinking so much he thought he should take a spin around the block endangering peoples lives. Here is some advice for Mr. Springfield: if you are drunk enough to sing your own song at karaoke, you should not go near your car.

Plastic Surgery Experiment Speaks about Child
The biological ancestor of what was at one time Cher is very proud of her descendant Chaz, who was at one time known as a lesbian called Chastity. Chastity is now Chaz and Cher is now a weird mixture of human and nonhuman parts. Cher is proud, but I think she really is just expressing her faith in the modern medical science that she used to become a glowing statue and that Chaz is using to express his gender.

Are you glad I didn’t say anything about soldiers or guns or invasions? I am. I gave you three random tabloidistic news stories that should dutifully distract from the coming insanity on your tv.


5 thoughts on “Breaking News”

  1. I’m dying to find out Mariah’s kids’ names. Apparently Daddy said they are “unique”. Oh god. At least there is plenty of money for therapy for them down the road.

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