What Had Happened

By the time you are reading this, the Oscars will be over. And if they are not, we will all be counting the minutes until they are. This is by far the saddest day of year, because it means the longest period of time before the next Oscars and since the Oscars are my absolute favorite awards show, I’m going to be in a funk…unless we get into an amazing conversation about what did happen! With that in mind and knowing that I have absolutely no clue what actually happened at the show as I am writing this, I’m going to share some of my wildly fantastical guesses as to what will (or I guess did) happen on the stage.

1. James Franco & Anne Hathaway
James Franco was gorgeous and Anne Hathaway was elegant and multi-outfitted. But the report doesn’t end there. They were so nervous about their hosting gig, that they did shots of that mixture Rachel Berry served on Glee. After getting dutifully sloshed, they staggered about the stage and ended up making out with each other on a lark. James Franco also declared his undying love for that Adam who blogs Cocky & Rude.  Anne Hathaway felt snubbed so she sat at the end of the stage and pouted.

2. Politics
Celebrities love to take their moment in front of the camera to plug their current political cause or philanthropic mission. This year’s telecast was no different, but they were particularly awkward. Jeff Bridges’ declaration of death to all the tasty animals was simultaneously hilarious and off-putting. It also made Susan Sarandon’s pledge to get an abortion on live tv to protest decreased funding for Planned Parenthood seem a bit less creepy. However, Jack Nicholson’s offer to knock her up was quite crude.

3. The Outfits
Everyone always writes about what the ladies wore and how could you not. Some of those garments were pretty scandalous. But I want to write about what the men wore. I particularly found the standard black tuxedo that 99.9% of the dudes wore to be very boring. Get it together men! Next year I want to see at least one of you dressed by Lady Gaga, which will probably mean a suit of semi-inflated condoms splattered with calf’s blood.

4. The Musical Performances
Normally I’m grateful for my mute button during the song performances, but this year I was surprised. Gwyneth Paltrow’s plan to dominate every form of media continued with her performance of that song from that country music movie no one saw. It was delightful to watch. The real shocker occurred when perennial nominee Randy Newman performed his songs from Toy Story 3. I’m sure the Pixar producers were shocked to see the 67 year old man do a striptease to “We Belong Together.” Helen Mirren, however, seemed to be very into it.

Now that you know what I thought was going to happen as well as what really happened, tell me which you think you would enjoy more? Sure I love watching the Oscars, but I think they need to get a bit more wild. Let them blame on the alcohol.


9 thoughts on “What Had Happened”

  1. My thoughts on what actually happened:
    • James Franco was (i hate to say it because I love him) pretty terrible. He spent most the night squinting at the teleprompter.
    • Melissa Leo dropped the F bomb! (Her publicist probably told her to do it).
    • Cate Blanchett (I hate to say it because I love her) was the worst dressed. It looked like someone splatted a dinner plate full of circular noodles into the front of her dress.
    • Tom Hooper looks exactly like a skinnier James Cameron.
    • Though oddly out of place, the Autotuned dialogue clip was very funny. Oscar’s attempt at a viral video was a hoot.

  2. The awards were a yawn this year. James Franco looked over it and Anne tried too hard. I loved her fringed dress, though. And the red one, too. Scarlett’s hair was a mess, and I didn’t like her dress. Or Marissa Tomei’s. I liked Reese’s dress. I missed all the red carpet stuff so I haven’t picked my best and worst – but it’s going to be hard to beat the Cate Blanchett fiasco.

    Did Randy Newman make a deal with the devil? I don’t get it. At least his speech was amusing.

    Can’t wait to see how we all did with our picks.

  3. Did you see that interview with James Franco before the show started. Holy freaking awkward. It was weird. He was not a stunner as a host, however Anne looked amazing about 110 times or how ever many dresses she had on.

    I was a bit disappointed that Helena Bonham Carter dialed down the crazy in the dress department. She looked like a goth princess but meh. Both her shoes matched so blah. Poor Helen Mirren stuck up there with Mrs. Katy Perry. She’s probably firing her agent as we speak.

    On the whole it was just blah. The f-bomb which was not bleeped here (not sure if delays in the US caught it) was about the high point. That and Oprah’s shiny boobs. Damn that dress was tight.

  4. @Tam – Don’t feel too bad for Helen Mirren — they’re pairing was marketing for their new movie. They’ve remade Arthur together. It comes out on April 8th. I’d blame their awkwardness on Bruce Vilanch or whoever wrote their awkward exchange.

  5. Ok…my thoughts on the real show!

    James Franco was indeed awful. Anne was quite good, maybe a bit over the top at times, but she was probably trying to compensate for James’ lack of presence.

    I think they are doing a good job of streamlining the show. Keeping the non-award giving bits from taking over (aka interpretative dance numbers of death) was a good first step, but they need to make the overall event more cohesive and functional. When they brought that choir out at the end, I was sooooo mad, angry, and confused.

    As for outfits…I also think that Cate Blanchett’s dress was atrocious, but I also hated Melissa Leo’s mirrored nightmare.

    I don’t know yet who was best dressed…but Hallee Steinfeld looked pretty damn adorable

  6. She looked totally age appropriate Mikey. I also hated Nicole Kidman’s wreck. With her body she can pull most anything off, but not that. I thought Anne Hathaway’s dresses were all nice, but she’s another one who can wear most anything. Damn all tall skinny women to hell. I was glad to see lots of red, so tired of basic black, I’m kind of over metalic as well. I liked Hilary Swank’s feathery thing although it seems to not be very popular. Portman looked classy as usual.

  7. @tam I’m totally over Natalie Portman’s need to point out that she is pregnant by that hot dancer…we get it…in the movie he said no…but in real life he was saying yes ma’am…shut up.

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