The Secret Life of the American President

Presidents are weird and magical creatures. That is why we have a federal holiday that celebrates and commemorates them. It was originally going to be called “Super Leader of the World Day,” but the superhero lobby successfully got Congress to pass the 1978 Hero Act, which limits the use of the word “super” to references of masked vigilantes and beings of extra-human capacity. This also lead to the renaming of “Super Vagina Birth Giver Day,” “Super Semen Supplier Day,” and “Super Man from Beyond the Grave.”

The very first president to be honor with this day was Boy George. His daring use of makeup, dreadlocks, and black hats inspired a generation of Americans to wear what they wanted to wear. His biggest impact was on Joan Cusack’s character in Working Girl. Ms. Cusack spent fifteen hours each day getting multiple layers of eye shadow applied to her eyes during the production of that movie. She has stated, “If not for Boy George’s invention of the rainbow brow, my character would have been done up like some old school marm.” Boy George’s enigmatic lyrics confound advanced scholars of pop music, but have undoubtedly inspired generations of poets like Maya Angelou and that other guy. Boy George also cut down a cherry tree to make a cherry pie when he was a child. History has shown that you don’t actually need to cut down the entire tree to make the pie, rather one needs only the fruit, but Boy George’s decision to tell the truth rather than lie to his mum, Queen Elizabeth II, is often lauded as a sign of integrity. Today we call that just plan stupid.

The other important presidents to honor on this day off are the ones with the weird names: Grover Cleveland, Millard Fillmore, and Bill Clinton. Grover Cleveland’s name is funny to say, but if repeated three times very quickly it will invoke a friendly spirit named Charlie. Charlie is very quick to point out that he has no relation to Grover Cleveland and he will ask you to contact the spiritual authorities to have his incantation changed to that of Rutherford B. Hayes, whom he feels has a more pleasant name for repetition. Millard Fillmore is of no relation to the music venue in San Francisco, because he is not now, nor has he ever been a homosexual. In fact, Fillmore is so non-homosexual he had regular heterosexual orgies on the front lawn of the White House a practice that was revived by our final honoree: William Jefferson Clinton. Clinton can’t help that he has such a bizarre name, but what he lost in name caché he did make up for in masculine prowess. Rumored to have a ten inch member, Clinton was a staunch supporter of a woman’s right to choose, even saying “if we don’t let women have abortions, I would have far more illegitimate kids than Henry VIII did.” Clinton is also said to have seduced thirty lesbians away from the homosexual lifestyle, which is a record for a man from Arkansas.

I hope you now know a little bit more about our presidents than you did yesterday, or the day before that, or the day before that even. You may now know far more about the presidents than they themselves actually know about themselves, but every word of this blog is verifiable. I had an extensive discussion with the homeless man who lives outside of my public library just last week and he told me all of these things were based upon books he stole from the library collection to use for toilet paper. If you don’t believe that he or I am telling the truth, you are turning your back on our growing problem of homelessness, which is not very presidential of you at all.


8 thoughts on “The Secret Life of the American President”

  1. You just know any man who wears a wig like that should be on RuPaul’s drag race. I’m not surprised. Millard and Grover are both names that should be banned for humans and restricted to muppet usage.

    Enjoy your day off. It’s “Family Day” here in Ontario which means I have to go to work and leave my “family” at home sleeping since I’m federal. The silver lining, no traffic on the drive in. Oh yay.

  2. I think it’s time for me to go home now so I can celebrate my family. Yes? Someone? Give me the go-ahead here. It’s so freaking boring on the internet today.

  3. I’ve always been jealous that they got rid of the traditional Super Vagina Birth Giver Day trip to the water park’s slides.

  4. Funny named presidents? Have you heard of some of our Vice Presidents? Elbridge Gerry, Hannibal Hamilin, Schuylar Colfax, Spiro Agnew, and lest we forget, DICK Cheney.


  5. Wow – I never knew any of that.

    I had a dog named Charlie and went to Grover Cleveland Elementary School, but the two aren’t related (I don’t think).

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