Testicles and the Art of Sexual Education

I’m ruining the secret, by Mikey and I keep a Google Document list of blog post ideas.  And sometimes when we IM or text back and forth, one of us comes out with a line that we find so funny, that we toss it on the list … just in case an opportunity arises to share it with you.  Atop our list, for months now, has been the following statement:

“balls are weird. the hang on the outside. Weird!”

First off, let’s forgive that whoever added this to the list (there’s a 50% chance that it was me), typoed the fact that it should have been “they” and not “the.”  Whoever added it to the list also had a complete disregard for proper capitalization.  Honestly, I’m pretty sure that I was the one who said it … Mikey usually isn’t that crazy.  I’m also guessing that it was a direct copy and paste … so all the grammatical dysfunction rests solely on me.  (I’ll pause here to toss my bachelor’s degree in English into the recycling pile…)

When I was in the fourth grade, they ushered us into the lobby of our elementary school gym (due to overcrowding and lack of classroom space) and passed around a tampon.  They probably did more than that, but that’s all I really remember.  By the time it got to me, it was in about 4 pieces.  I was too busy giggling to have any idea what the hell it was actually used for.  Despite that, I must have paid a little bit of attention because my mother claims that when I got home from school that day I said something like, “You don’t do that … do you?!”

Over the next eight years of my public school sexual education, I learned a little bit more about that special place below the waist.  My school was pretty progressive — in addition to learning about anatomy and abstinence, we also talked a lot about contraceptives and abortion.  I even remember a heated debate between a 2-time senior classmate and our teacher over the efficacy of the ‘pull-out method.’  Oddly, I also remember watching a lot of Party of Five and Seinfeld. I’m not entirely sure why.

But something that scientists and doctors (and in the case of the following block quote: Wikipedia) are pretty sure of is why testicles are out the outside:

Only the Boreoeutherian land mammals, the large group of mammals that includes humans, have externalized testes. Their testes function best at temperatures lower than their core body temperature. Their testes are located outside of the body, suspended by the spermatic cord within the scrotum. The testes of the non-boreotherian mammals such as the monotremes, armadillos, sloths, elephants remain within the abdomen. There are also some Boreoeutherian mammals with internal testes, such as the rhinoceros.  (read lots more at Wikipedia if you want to…)

That’s why balls are weird and hang out the outside.  And yes, I have to admit, it’s a question that I had already known the answer to … but it was funny to ask it.  And hey, even though we all now know the answer … balls are still weird.


10 thoughts on “Testicles and the Art of Sexual Education”

  1. I thought balls hung outside for the pleasure of the man, cause I’m pretty sure it’d be much more difficult for my tongue to lick them if they were internal. And sucking one into my mouth and rolling it around would be right out.


  2. Balls aren’t weird, personally, I like mine. I do find it a little weird that they just hand there on the toilet, but not necessarily unsanitary (unless you get a splash back up). There are times when I wish they were internal as they do get in the way sometimes, particularly in low rise jeans. Not enough room for the boys.

  3. I also knew that. I wish my health classes covered ejaculation sooner and perhaps more clearly. That was quite(!) the surprise!

    Craig: I suppose it depends just how low one hangs. If they are in the toilet water that could be unsanitary. Perhaps you could sling them over your shoulder when you go poo. 😉

  4. Hmm, so in addition to the Puntabuschlong, since Craiggers’ boys are capable of being slung over the shoulder, should they be called the Puntesticles? Puntabuballs?


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