Most people that know me know that I can’t stand sports. Baseball, Football, Hockey, Soccer, Tennis, Basketball … it’s all the same crap. I don’t want to play them, watch them, hear about them or even think about them. I don’t care if some of the participants are hot (that’s right, Mr. Beckham, I don’t care about you), it still isn’t enough for me to tune in. But rules were made to be broken, and this one is no exception. There are a few sports that I actually enjoy. Check ’em out:
My hatred of sports probably dates back to elementary school gym class. That’s when I first discovered that I was basically awful at all things active. My body thrives in a motionless, sedentary lifestyle. In elementary school, I discovered that I couldn’t run as fast as the other kids, that I couldn’t throw the ball as far, and that I would perpetually be picked last for teams. “Ugh, I guess we’ll take Adam…” they’d always say. It was pathetic.
But then I was introduced to the game of badminton. There’s something about that think racket, volleyball net at a shuttlecock that just clicked with me. Finally a sport that I was good at — one that replaces the ball with ‘cock! Perfect! In middle school, I distinctly remember defeating a teacher at the game. Sadly my hopes of landing a spot on the Olympic Badminton team were cut short after two (2) seriously sprained ankles (featuring: crutches).
Competitive Eating, Strong Man & Log Chopping Competitions
As any C&R reader that follows the Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser contest already knows, I was once a much heftier lad. Back in my sedentary days, I would watch ESPN9, which basically alternates between Competitive Eating, Strong Man Competitions and those crazy Log Chopping contest. I love all three, but Competitive Eating was always my favorite. Whether they’re stuffing hot dogs, sushi, or some other random food into their black-hole gullets. Every time they dunk bread into water, I giggle with excitement. As they stuff the food into their magical food holes, I maniacally laugh like a crazy person. I can’t help it — I consider myself to be an intelligent person, but that stuff turns me loco.
As for the Strong Man Competitions and those Log Chopping Contests, they’re also great fun. My favorites are the contests where giant roid-freaks have to pull entire 18-wheeler trucks and train cars. It doesn’t even seem like that should be physically possible for a human. I still don’t get how people tear phone books in half. And when you throw an ax into one of those roid-freak’s giant oven-mit hands … well what could be bad about that??
If you ever participated in marching band, then you know that it really is a sport. You bust your ass while running around a football field and playing music, all while decked out in wool. Or how about marching down miles of road in the hot sun while dressed in wool? Now put that road in the Bahamas… I was in marching band for all four years of high school, where I played trumpet for the first three years and sousaphone for my last year. I worked my ass off while developing an understanding of the game. I can now watch marching bands perform on tv, and actually enjoy it! Forget football … show me the half-time show!
Hardcore Gay Porn
You don’t really want me to write about how it’s a sport and why I like it … right? Have you seen those boys? Total athletes. ‘Nuff said.
Badminton, Competitive Eating, Strong Man and Log Chopping Competitions, Marching Band and Hardcore Gay Porn. While I don’t like sports … those are my exceptions. So what are your favorite sports? Play ball in the comments!