"Play Ball!" … "What, Play With Balls?"

Most people that know me know that I can’t stand sports.  Baseball, Football, Hockey, Soccer, Tennis, Basketball … it’s all the same crap.  I don’t want to play them, watch them, hear about them or even think about them.  I don’t care if some of the participants are hot (that’s right, Mr. Beckham, I don’t care about you), it still isn’t enough for me to tune in.  But rules were made to be broken, and this one is no exception.  There are a few sports that I actually enjoy.  Check ’em out:

My hatred of sports probably dates back to elementary school gym class.  That’s when I first discovered that I was basically awful at all things active.  My body thrives in a motionless, sedentary lifestyle.  In elementary school, I discovered that I couldn’t run as fast as the other kids, that I couldn’t throw the ball as far, and that I would perpetually be picked last for teams.  “Ugh, I guess we’ll take Adam…” they’d always say.  It was pathetic.

But then I was introduced to the game of badminton.  There’s something about that think racket, volleyball net at a shuttlecock that just clicked with me.  Finally a sport that I was good at — one that replaces the ball with ‘cock!  Perfect!  In middle school, I distinctly remember defeating a teacher at the game.  Sadly my hopes of landing a spot on the Olympic Badminton team were cut short after two (2) seriously sprained ankles (featuring: crutches).

Competitive Eating, Strong Man & Log Chopping Competitions
As any C&R reader that follows the Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser contest already knows, I was once a much heftier lad.  Back in my sedentary days, I would watch ESPN9, which basically alternates between Competitive Eating, Strong Man Competitions and those crazy Log Chopping contest.  I love all three, but Competitive Eating was always my favorite.  Whether they’re stuffing hot dogs, sushi, or some other random food into their black-hole gullets.  Every time they dunk bread into water, I giggle with excitement.  As they stuff the food into their magical food holes, I maniacally laugh like a crazy person.  I can’t help it — I consider myself to be an intelligent person, but that stuff turns me loco.

As for the Strong Man Competitions and those Log Chopping Contests, they’re also great fun.  My favorites are the contests where giant roid-freaks have to pull entire 18-wheeler trucks and train cars.  It doesn’t even seem like that should be physically possible for a human.  I still don’t get how people tear phone books in half.  And when you throw an ax into one of those roid-freak’s giant oven-mit hands … well what could be bad about that??

Marching Band
If you ever participated in marching band, then you know that it really is a sport.  You bust your ass while running around a football field and playing music, all while decked out in wool.  Or how about marching down miles of road in the hot sun while dressed in wool?  Now put that road in the Bahamas…  I was in marching band for all four years of high school, where I played trumpet for the first three years and sousaphone for my last year.  I worked my ass off while developing an understanding of the game.  I can now watch marching bands perform on tv, and actually enjoy it!  Forget football … show me the half-time show!

Hardcore Gay Porn
You don’t really want me to write about how it’s a sport and why I like it … right?  Have you seen those boys?  Total athletes.  ‘Nuff said.

Badminton, Competitive Eating, Strong Man and Log Chopping Competitions, Marching Band and Hardcore Gay Porn.  While I don’t like sports … those are my exceptions.  So what are your favorite sports?  Play ball in the comments!


11 thoughts on “"Play Ball!" … "What, Play With Balls?"”

  1. I’m down with the last two, most certainly. Although our band uniforms (in mothafuckin’ South Carolina!) were most definitely polyester. Wool at least breathes while it insulates.

  2. Thankfully my marching band tour was Europe (Switzerland and Scotland) in wool uniforms, so rather comfy on the whole. We also had those big ass black bearskin hats like the guards at Buckingham Palace wear. Sexay. Then I dropped out after I got the European vacation. What can I say, I was a travel slut even at the tender age of 16.

    Umm, I think that guy in the last picture looks familiar. I might have seen that art piece.

    I am a bit of a sporty girl. Wait, was, past tense. I was on the high school volleyball team, played most intramural sports, played intramural ice hockey in university and have played on several slow pitch teams over the years. I generally hate running so things like soccer and basketball are a big no-no though.

    I like watching sports live, not so much on TV. I enjoy going to a hockey or football game but have never been to a real soccer game. We don’t really have professional teams where I live or in Canada in general. I’ve never been to a pro baseball game although it always seems like that’s a game for me that is fun to play, not so fun to just watch unless you know someone on the team personally. I do half-way pay attention to things like hockey stats (mostly thanks to the kid who knows way more about it than me) and I can usually tell you who is playing in a final of some big tournament, but that’s about it.

  3. FOOTBALL BABY!!! Starts in four days! Dallas’s first game in ONE WEEK! I am SOOO psyched.

    The other sports, eh, whatever. ‘Cept for the gay porn, I’m a marathon watcher of that.

    And you seriously sprained your ankles playing badminton???? WTF? How does that even happen, did you trip over a racket or something?


  4. Gym class might have been more fun if there were a hardcore gay porn unit.

    Actually, no. It would have just made things more awkward for everyone.

  5. I like to watch: gymnastics, figure skating and horse jumping. And hockey on occasion. Everything else bores me to tears. Especially baseball and football.

    I like to play: badminton! We even have a net. And I am pretty good at trac-ball. I haven’t played tennis in years, but I enjoy that as well.

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