In my own warped world, I like to imagine that everyone is a big, happy homogay until proven otherwise. Today, let’s anal-ize America’s favorite freak show family of retro homo-superiors: The Brady Bunch!
The youngest with hair of gold (in curls) was most definitely gay. Little Cindy, although she probably had no idea at the time of the show, would likely grow up to be a grade-A carpet-muncher. Check the signs: Cindy was known to speak with a lisp (this is a sign of gay-ness in gurls too, right?). Cindy was often bitchy and complainy (just like every lesbian I know…), mostly about her age and how people treated her. Plus, she gladly shared a tacky pink bedroom with two other girls. And lastly, she was obsessed with her [sex] doll, Kitty Karry-All.
Poor Jan was a butch snatch grabber who dreamed of one day becoming a lipstick lesbian. Jealous of her older sister’s looks and popularity, Jan drove herself crazy. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! The grumpy wineypuss was always moping around the house and complaining about being different. I can only hope that in later years, Jan learned to accept herself for who she is, bought a Subaru Outback, and found some good ‘ole female love’n.
Everyone’s favorite oldest Brady sister is clearly a lipstick lesbian. The style, the popularity, the looks, the outfits, the craving for tacos (you must have missed that episode)… this girl is a gay. In an effort to attract the ladies, Marcia was known for brushing her hair 100 strokes a day (to make it shine!) And in her only on-screen sex scene, she reacted very unfavorably towards taking a ball to the face. Trust me, straight girls love to be smacked in the face with a nice set of balls.
The oldest kid in the Brady family, Greg often wore impossibly tight nipple-popping t-shirts and bell-bottoms that accentuated his slim physique and massive package. Greg enjoyed singing and choreographed dancing, especially while wearing matching jumpsuits. Later in the series, Greg moved into the attic, where he could be alone to watch gay porn and explore his body. After The Brady Bunch ended, Greg dabbled in homoporn under the name, “Johnny Bravo.”
Poor Peter went through puberty for about 3 years. His voice squeaked, he grew hair in all sorts of new place and he realized that girls were icky. Peter was often an outcast of the Brady family … probably because he was “different.” Of course, none of this stopped him from blowing a messy load all over seven girls… Maybe he was straight after all? Nahh…
The tighty-whitey wearing midget Brady was known for his freckles and chipmunk cheeks … but did u know that he was also known for his love of his instrument? Cute little Bobby enjoyed playing with his favorite instrument as much as possible, sometimes as much as eight hours a day! Only a homogay would enjoy “instruments” so much.
Only a lesbian would have such a bad haircut. Seriously, she rocked a mullet for quite a while! And the lack of any innate female skills which necessitated hiring a housekeeper? Carol can’t cook, she can’t clean, she can barely even take care of the kids. Seriously, what lady can’t clean?! Clearly a sign that Carol Brady has a few [dozen] extra Y chromosomes. Years after The Brady Bunch wrapped, Carol Brady was even seen locking lips with everyone’s favorite tuna tosser: Judge Judy.
Aside from the fact that Mike was portrayed by Robert Reed (a real-life salami swallower), it’s clear that Mike was also of the penile persuasion. His clean, fashionable look alone was super gay. That white-guy afro! Those stylish, snug-fitting clothes! The pension for long-winded speeches about everyone should just get along … clearly gay. Plus the guy worked as an architect. That’s gotta be the third gayest job there is (after hairdresser and US senator).
And finally, the gayest of them all. Alice is one of the bulliest bull-dykes that ever graced the air waves. She was gruff, masculine, and when filming late in the day, often sported a five o’clock shadow. She also lacked complete lack of style, dressing in only a maid’s uniform at all hours of the day. The Brady’s third parent may have had “flirtations” with Sam the Butcher, but clearly that was just an act. He was just her beard. (I have a girlfriend in Canada too … you’ve just never met her … … you believe me, right?) And finally, Alice was always known for cracking all the best jokes, and we all know that only gay people are funny.
Yay! I knew I loved The Brady Bunch for a good reason. It’s because I relate so well with each an every character. I’m bitchy, butch, popular, dabble in gay porn, make messes, enjoy playing with my own instrument, have lots of Y chromosomes, am a real-life salami swallower and I often dress in a maid’s uniform! Plus they’re all big queers, just like me! Who’s your favorite gay Brady? And what’s your fondest gay Brady moment?
NSFW P.S. – After writing this blog post, I discovered that there are 3 (straight) Brady Bunch themed pornos. Here’s a VERY, VERY, VERY, NSFW (that means it’s NOT SAFE FOR WORK) scene where little Cindy gets banged by a goofy looking delivery boy. And in the sequel, (SFW –>) Ron Jeremy even plays Sam The Butcher!