Guarding the Tunnel of Love

Since I just returned from my week long vacation and Adam is forcing me to write something on the blog for which he will undoubtedly try to take the credit, I have decided that I should write about something I know all about: Lady Parts. You might know it as a chacha, a poonany, a box or the bearded clam.

There are two main things one should know about these bits: they must be kept pretty and they must be kept safe. If you do not beautify and protect the pink taco, it will not function properly. That is why I have found some products available online that will help to maintain the appeal and security of the panty hamster.

As you should have learned by now, the cooter is the route for Aunt Flo’s monthly visits. Aunt Flo will not stay in just any old hotel or motel. She demands to ride the crimson wave in style. That’s why ladies in the know use Vaj Pads. I had hoped to show you a sampling of the various pads available however the curators of that particular website have made it impossible for me to paste photos directly into my post. I highly recommend that each and every one of you cruise on over to the site and see which style suits your bajingo. Maybe you need one decorated with hamburgers and ketchup bottles, cherry pie, or jelly beans. Or perhaps you are looking for a Halloween themed pad to spruce things up in October!

Now that we have kept the fur burger pretty we should ensure its safety. Since all women are required to tame their pubic hairs so severely that you barely know they have hit puberty and then expose their skin to harsh, damaging UV rays to get that natural burnt to a crisp glow, the folks at Va J-J Visor have given us this helpful little device. It sits right on top of your velvet cave like a hat and it protects your whisker box from untoward plucking or burning. Now you can sleep easily knowing that your most prized possession is covered by a hypoallergenic, recyclable plastic dome.

Now that your yoni is all cozied up to the image of a geisha or tucked snuggily under its protective cover, I can allow you to go on with your lives. Feel free to share your experiences with adorning or guarding the pudendum.


5 thoughts on “Guarding the Tunnel of Love”

  1. Reusable pads? NO FUCKING WAY! If I wanted to live in the dark ages, I’d invent a time machine. An the visor? Well, I had to look at the instruction sheet to figure out what they were talking about. Really. Sunburn is a fear there? Put on some damn panties.

    I do salute your extensive use of synonyms though. You must have done a lot of research to achieve that.

  2. My first thought: “Ewwwwww!”
    My second thought: “This is as close Mikey’s ever gonna get to a vajayjay.”
    My third thought: “Ewwwwwwww!”
    My fourth thought: “Mikey talking about the hoochie is like Sarah Palin talking about anything political: why do they try to speak about something of which they no nothing?”
    My fifth thought: “EWWWWWWWWW!!!!!”


  3. I’m personally partial to the term “meat curtains”. I also think you missed an opportunity to write about the Mooncup. According to at least one ecstatic testimonial, womenfolk can even use their Victoria’s secretions to fertilise (It’s a Brit company) their houseplants.

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