Details are sketchy as to where Mikey has disappeared to this week. We’ve been told that he’s on vacation, but very little else. In attempt to fill in a number of story gaps that don’t really exist in the first place, I will draw sweeping conclusions based on almost nothing (tweets, facebook statuses and my own sick imagination):
He may be in Mexico by now.
It all started when Mikey crossed the border into Delaware on August 14th at 9:10am. From there he “entered Maryland!” at 11:05am. Less than an hour later, he tweeted: “And Virginia welcomes us!!!” At 3:26pm, he was in North Carolina. Then at 6:54, he tweeted: “Holla! We’re in Corolla!” At this point, I’m assuming that he was hanging out with Ellen Degeneres (because she’s the only person on Earth that still says “Holla!”) and that Mikey and/or Ellen was “inside” (sexually) Adam Carolla. I’m picturing a filthy gang bang, and I’m sorry — it’s not a pretty picture.
From there, I made the fatal mistake of commenting: “Your tweets/statuses are boring. Please make them better.” Suddenly, his tweets about sexual exploits and interstate travel stopped. I have quickly imagined a globe in my mind, and have scientifically determined that Mikey may be in Mexico by now. Or maybe even Brazil. After all, he left us 5 days ago and we have yet to determine the end point of his travels.
Where ever he is, they have theme days at the beach.
Where ever Mikey’s vacation stopped, there is a beach. And on this beach, they have musical theme days. On Tuesday at 9:31am, we read: “Yes! It’s Michael Jackson day at the beach!” On Wednesday at 10:30am, we were asked: “Who’s ready for Billy Joel day at the beach?” to which he answered, “This guy!” A quick Google search leads me to believe that this beach must be in a remote location because there are no beaches on the Internet that advertise musical theme days. One can only imagine which other classic rock icons are celebrating their own theme days. The Beatles? Neil Diamond? Kris Kross?
He may be balding.
Skin cancer can kill, so one must always remember to wear sunblock. For gingers like myself, I suggest an SPF of about 30 million. For Mikey, I suggest at least an SPF of 30. For most guys (like myself) who sport a thick head of hair, it’s not really necessary to apply sunblock to the scalp. The hair simply shades my scalp from the unrelenting sun beams. But for Mikey, who announced “I got sunburn on my scalp!” via Facebook status at 5:33pm on Monday, a hairy head may not have been enough. It’s easy to surmise the obvious: since he left us, Mikey has gone completely bald. Further, his scalp probably now looks like overcooked vegan bacon.
He’s feeding on nothing but cheese balls, alcohol and Nutella.
Although photographic evidence of cheese ball consumption is all that our team of Cocky & Rude investigative reporters have been able to get their hands on, we have first-hand evidence of more. In yesterday’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser update, Mikey claimed to be consuming “tons of yummy food” and as many as “4,000 cheese balls, 7 bottles of wine, and a cup of Nutella.” Later tweets have mentioned “Watermelon Martinis.” Lots of binging and no tweets about purging can only mean one thing: after his gluttonous vacation, Mikey is a shoe-in for the BC&RL placing of Rudest Loser.
Further, his rampant hash tagging, misspellings and poor grammar can only mean one thing: he’s completely drunk. Watch out, people of Mexico and beyond! A drunk Mikey has come to town, and it’s only a matter of time before he strips naked and jumps into your swimming pool.
I beg you, people of Brazil, send Mikey back to us. We need to reintroduce him to well-rounded vegan meals! We need to send him to AA! We need to fit him with hair plugs, extensions and novelty toupees! We need to lather him in sunscreen! We need him to start blogging again, because goddammit, I’m tired! Mikey, come back to us!
Note: In the event that Mikey doesn’t return, I’ve already begun to court his replacement.