Fixed Puppy

One of my nieces entered double digits this past Saturday.  This phrase makes me feel very happy and very old.  However, one of the great by-products of having nieces is getting to buy them all the gifts my little gay boy heart desired when I was a child.  Everything is pastel colored and has hair that can be combed and braided.  It is wonderful! As her Uncle I also got to examine the gifts she got.  She exclaimed with joy when she got her very first American Girl doll and then yelped again when she realized that my parents had gotten her the doll that is commonly referred to as a Hippie.  My niece screeched, ” she’s a hippie just like me!”  I absolutely love that my niece describes herself as a hippie and I also love that it most likely makes my father’s blood boil!

Amongst all the other gifts my niece received was her very own Jacob from Twilight doll.  She is apparently on Team Jacob, which bothers me because I want her to have better taste.  She is only ten so I’m giving her a pass on that.  I examined the doll rather closely and, as you can see from these crude cellphone quality photos, they did a great job of capturing Taylor Lautner’s puggish face.  They also captured his six-pack abs quite well.  They were hard to notice since the doll came without a shirt all together.  I touched his hair and found that Taylor Lautner’s hair feels like boar’s hair with way too much gel in it.  Someone should get him a new stylist.

Also, as a flappychap, I couldn’t resist the opportunity to remove his clothes.  I have said in the past that I never turn down the opportunity to see a supposedly hot man naked just to make a full evaluation.  I struggled to unbutton his shorts and started to wonder if they were in fact sewn shut to cover up some weird aspect of Taylor’s anatomy.  I put all my oompf into it and was finally able to unsnap his shorts.  Victory!  I was going to see Taylor Lautner without a stitch of clothing.  Imagine my surprise when I discover that the stud that everyone keeps talking about is a eunuch.  He has absolutely no genitalia.  No p33n, no Vajayjay.  Just nothing.  I now know why Taylor Swift dumped his ass, well other than the fact that he is totally a bigger homo than me.

So tell all your friends that you know the secret that Taylor Lautner has in his pants.  And don’t forget that you learned it here, okay?


10 thoughts on “Fixed Puppy”

  1. When I was little, I had GI Joe. Then one of my girl cousins left her Cher doll at our house and never came back for it, so I ended up cutting Cher’s hair short so that she and GI Joe could make out. I think it should have been abundantly clear to everyone at that point which path I was on.

  2. I suspect that Edward’s situation is pretty much the same.

    Team Mel!

    I love that your niece is a damn, dirty hippie.

  3. Funny story Mel.

    We have Prince Ken at my house. Same problem. Barbie and Ken broke up so I’m sure she and Taylor Swift could share stories, drink margaritas and dish on the dickless-wonders that were their boyfriends.

  4. If I remember correctly, recently Jimmie Kimmel had all the Twilight “stars” on his show. Having read some time ago in “Bitch” magazine that these Twilight stories were written my a Mormon and were “abstinence porn,” I was surprised to see a group of young men who looked like they just walked out of A&F. Do you think the Mormons know these boys probably don’t play for team Joe Smith? Do you think they’ve put Temple monies into eradicating shape-shifter/vampire doll genitalia? I’m surprised he’s not wearing those bizarre Mormon underoos that protect the chosen from conflagration and porn. Good job and excellent instincts on disrobing this one!

  5. Oh and PS

    Just the other night I watched “Little Ashes” with Robert Pattinson playing a gay, schizophrenic Salvidor Dali. Now THAT was a good movie. The guy who played Federico Garcia-Lorca could have been the real poet’s cousin, they look so much alike. A beautiful movie set in lush, louche Spain. Naughty gives it dos thumbs up. :*)

  6. Ya know, I gotta tell you, in all honesty, even if he were like that, it wouldn’t make a lick of difference. I’d still do him on the pitcher’s mound of Yankee Stadium in front of a sellout crowd. But then we all knew I had no taste.


  7. Three and a half years ago, two of my nieces had children of their own. Trust me, double digit age is nothing compared to that.

    I’m just glad her Taylor doll doesn’t sparkle. People already question his sexuality, can you imagine what it would be like if he were covered in glitter?

  8. @john I actually gave my niece the Taylor Swift doll for her birthday. It is a bit more glittery than the Jacob doll…but it is only a matter of time before Mr Lautner embraces the full body stocking of sequins

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