Welcome to the very first edition of the Reverse Friday Five, where I examine my five LEAST favorites of the week!
I don’t consider myself an overly angry person. But like everyone, I have my moments. I love to honk my car’s horn and scream at other drivers in fits of extreme road rage. I think it’s good to blow off a little steam every now and again. A little anger and hatred is good for the soul. As long as it’s not scary hate (racism, homophobia, etc…), then it’s all okay in my book. I’ve had a grumpy, awful week, and I want to put it to bed. Usually I tuck you in for the weekend slumber with five things from the week that I love … but this week, here’s five things that I hate!
1. Super-lazy, annoyingly impatient crybabies! A little over a week ago, an annoying impatient salesperson in my office emailed her administrative assistant to check on the status of something that we were working on. We weren’t done with it so one of my coworkers said “I’m working on it right now, tell her to go fuck herself!” We all had a hearty chuckle, and went back to work. Minutes later we found out that annoying impatient salesperson was also super-lazy, because she was emailing her assistant from her desk, 6 cubes away, instead of getting up and asking annoyingly impatient questions for herself.
Flash forward a week and a day. A coworker and I were called into our manager’s office, where super-lazy, annoyingly impatient salesperson say sniffling and squirting with fake tears. We were told that we had to apologize for saying that the salesperson should “go fuck herself,” that someone should “punch her in the fucking face,” and a variety of other threatening and hurtful statements that we never made. Even if you were sooooooooo insulted, a freak’n week had passed. Are you seriously going to turn on the waterworks? But waterworks aside: judging from the inaccuracies in her story, it’s clear that the salesperson had not heard us first-hand.
2. Creative, fiction-writing tattle tales! Clearly this had all been heard second-hand, with the assistance of a creative tattle tale. There’s no way that super-lazy, annoyingly impatient salesperson could have heard what we said from her desk. We tested it. (Seriously, I volunteered to spout a vomitous mess of profanities at my desk while an ally sat at her desk and listened.) This means that we have a creative, fiction-writing tattle tale in the office. And we have our suspect. And he’ll pay.
3. Moving! Unless you’ve been avoiding me and my blog posts for the last week or so, you’re aware that I recently moved. For those of you who have never moved before, I feel the need to point out that moving fucking sucks. It’s not fun to lift heavy things. It’s not fun to be unorganized. It’s not fun filling and then un-filling boxes. Plus you always throw things away that you’ll eventually need (“Who cares?! It’s heavy, just throw it away!”), or you break the things you love the most. Moving fucking sucks.
4. Being sick. The day after I moved, I came down with the what I think was/is the worst upper respiratory infection I’ve ever had. Mucus simultaneously squirted out of every hole in my head. Tissues could not sop it up fast enough. On top of the snot faucet, my head was splitting, I had a slight fever, my body was achy, my ears closed up and my head exploded from sinus pressure. There were brains and globs of phlegm everywhere.
5. Hate. And finally, I hate … hate. In my opening I mentioned that hate is a good thing in moderation, as long as it’s not “scary hate.” I saw this video today, and I was just sickened. This is scary hate. According to the church folks in this video, homosexuality should be outlawed in Uganda, because all gays do is lick anuses like ice cream, “eat da poo poo” and fist. Barack Obama, is this what you want to bring to Africa, as a human right? To eat da poo poo of others?
What do I hate this week? I hate super-lazy, annoyingly impatient crybabies! I hate creative, fiction-writing tattle tales! I hate moving and being sick! And I hate people that are full of scary hate! Oh my gawd … there is so much hate in my soul that I’m doomed to a live for eternity as a whisper ghost on Lost! I gotta go meditate or something. Maybe I’ll just take some extra cold pills and go to bed?
So what five things did you hate this week? Tell me that I’m not the only grumpy, miserable, angry person at there!