Anything Beyoncé can do, I can do better

So I mentioned to Adam that I was going to start the Master Cleanse tomorrow and he insisted that I blog about it. For those of you who are unaware of the Master Cleanse, it is a mind and body detoxification program created in the 1940s by an alternative medicine practitioner named Stanley Burroughs. Burroughs was convicted of felony murder by a jury in California after one of his patients died as a result of his unlicensed medical practices. All legal issues aside, I’ve read some interesting things about the cleanse, which essentially consists of fresh lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper and water. Sounds tasty right?!?!

Now like most of you out there I was grossly concerned when I met someone on the Master Cleanse. This was back in 2008. It seemed like a grotesque and unappealing diet, but my mind has changed a bit. I’m trying to move toward a more healthy lifestyle in general wherein I’m monitoring the types of food I consume more closely. So the idea of using this diet to flush out toxins and clean out my system of all the things on Adam’s sausage chart seemed appealing. Also apparently Beyoncé did it and I’ll be damned if that bitch thinks she’s better than me.

To be honest, I’m a bit terrified. I’ve never done anything like this before and I have no idea how long I can make it. One crazy website said that people have done it for up to 45 days, which sounds like a trip to Karen Carpenter-ville to me. I think I’ll stick to a more sane goal of seven days. That’s one week of nothing but lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne and water. Oh and did I mention the daily salt water flush!!! I’m sure you’ll be excited to know that I’m supposed to ritually consume a large quantity of salt water in an effort to thoroughly wash my digestive tract.

So how long do you think I will really last on this thing? Let me know what you think of my plan…and don’t worry I’ll be updating you on it daily on the blog. That is unless I pass out or die or something.


16 thoughts on “Anything Beyoncé can do, I can do better”

  1. Isn’t drinking salt water bad or you? Otherwise people in lifeboats at sea would all survive nicely drinking sea water. Just asking. Good luck with that. Sounds ugh. 🙂

    1. That is true, Tam! Apparently the reason its bad for you is that it washes right through you and dehydrates you….causing you to detox. trapped on a lifeboat…it just kills you

  2. 7 days sounds a little long to me. I would think 3 days should be sufficient to cleanse.

    And what’s so special about Beyoncé?

  3. I did that cleanse! I lasted 5 days. And I had to omit the maple syrup because it was too gross.
    I’ve read various reports on whether the cleanse is really that beneficial (more so than just eating nutritious foods).
    But good luck. Let me know what foods you’re craving a couple days into it : ).

  4. Well if you pass out, just have Adam post a note telling us that. And if you’d die, we’d like to know so we don’t keep coming back looking for updates. 🙂

    Good luck.


  5. First, two important things:

    1. I’m proud of your desire to cleanse, and also of the discipline it requires to do so.
    2. I’ve done that cleanse myself (I made it nearly 96 hours), and I’ve also done the Arise & Shine Cleanse, too.

    So: perceive that I’m not a hater.

    But. Here’s the deal:

    Cleanses are scams. Medical science debunks the need for and dubious efficacy of so-called detoxes or colon cleanses thoroughly:

    Colon cleansing scams exposed
    Mucoid Plaque – a dubious idea
    Scientists dismiss ‘detox myth’

    “The idea that putrefaction of the stools causes disease, i.e., intestinal autointoxication, originated with physicians in ancient Egypt. By the 1920s, the medical doctrine fell into disrepute as scientific advances failed to give support. However, the idea persists in the public mind.” – Journal of Clinical Gastroenterology: 1989 Aug;11(4):434-41., Chen TS, et al. “Intestinal autointoxication: a medical leitmotif”

    Dig the facts:

    Intestinal mucous doesn’t exist.

    Gastroenterologists never document mucoid build-up in the colon because it doesn’t happen. Ever. The condition was invented by a non-medical person who was selling a cleansing system.

    Dr. Thuman, pathologist, Adjunct Assistant Professor of Pathology at the University of Texas School of Medicine, says, “I have seen several thousand intestinal biopsies and have never seen any ‘mucoid plaque.’ This is a complete fabrication with no anatomic basis. The small and large intestines normally secrete mucus for lubrication, but it does not form into any type of ‘plaque’.”

    It turns out that the inside lining of the colon is made up of the same type of smooth cells as the inside of the mouth, and it sloughs off daily. The alleged build-up is both impossible and totally unrecorded in either surgery or autopsy.

    The consensus is that these herbal cleanse programs themselves cause weird stools, because they often call for the daily ingestion of things like bentonite clay, psyllium, and/or mystery herbal concoctions in large dosages.

    Unmoderated fasting is unhealthy.

    There’s no good reason to go 7 days with a total caloric intake of less than 2,000 calories if you can help it; it just screws up your bodily functions.

    You’re literally starving your brain, weakening your organs, destroying muscle mass, and accomplishing no net gain beyond a week of biological panic.

    If you’re healthy, cleansing shouldn’t hurt you permanently but in the short term you’re doing violence to your body by starving it of calories, protein, and fat, and forcing it to cannibalize itself until you should decide to eat again. Other than the mental satisfaction of having forced yourself to through this ordeal, there are no measurable benefits for spending a week on lemon juice, salt, and cayenne.

    You’re not toxic.

    “Detox” is the clinical treatment for drug addiction or poisoning. (For example, if your blood were toxic, you’d be getting a transfusion or you’d be dying. Since you’re doing neither, it isn’t.)

    You have organs – liver, kidneys, lungs, skin – that remove waste and by-products from your body on a daily basis. Rather than supporting these systems, cleanses actually put them under measurable duress.

    Voluntary fasting has its place, of course, but that place is typically in the lives of renunciates. Householders have too many responsibilities to do long term fasts; fasting should be a silent, inward time. A day-long fast here and there is, if not good, then at least harmless, but longer than that, I become concerned about tissue damage.

    Your candy-from-Friday experience was probably just sluggish digestion brought on by a sudden and complete lack of protein intake. While I never saw any of the promised mucoid plaque during any of my cleanses or fasts, I have experienced extremely delayed digestion on several occasions – brought on by everything from dehydration to stress to being super sedentary for a long weekend.

    The approach I’ve deemed most nourishing is the Daily Cleanse: a day-to-day lifestyle of clean and healthy food, hydration, and exercise.

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